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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heyo AnonymousPerson here,
I liked the piece a fair amount. The message it gives, how we're all made from the same flesh and blood and nothing we can do will change that. I felt that it was a mostly smooth read and enjoyable too. Some of the lines threw me off because they didn't really fit into the rhyme scheme you started. Other than that I liked it and keep up the good work.
-Anon
Oops. This was meant to be a review. Let's try that again, shall we?
Hello.
I noticed something slightly off about this piece, and looking at the structure more carefully, I think part of it might be the rhyme. You go slanted/perfect, then slanted-nearly-perfect/perfect, slanted/slanted, sorta-slanted/perfect.
Reading the story you have for this piece, the opening two lines make sense, but because they don't really feel like rhymes (from the following phonemes in "sludge"), the following rhymes in the first two lines of the remaining three stanzas feel out of place, to me. It ends up going a bit back and forth and I can't quite decide whether or not I like it.
The images are quite nicely relating to religion and act as a nice trade off to diet culture being worshiped as a deity. Not sure if that needs to be more obvious or not, because the contrasts you achieve between the two sets of couplets is really lovely.
The first stanza remains the weakest because the second rhyme feels like it's forced. Every other rhyme is relatively poetic or at least is tied to more complex sentences. The simplistic language of the second couplet, first stanza just doesn't set the tone for the rest of the poem.
So really, it boils down to the attempted rhymes of the first couplet in each stanza, and whether or not the rhymes in the second couplet works. I feel it does for two and four especially, but in stanzas one and three it could use some polish. Love the topic, love the contrasts, just the structure needs some work. I actually like the rhyme (which I normally don't) because it provides such a nice visual and auditory contrast between the comparisons you're setting up.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
This is Kaos here for a review!
I like the start of the poem. The imagery works well and compliments each other. It feels like a whole thought. The wording of the stanza feels a bit awkward with starting the third line with 'these' and in the second line using 'this gut'. I feel like it was a stylistic choice from you to use 'this gut', but I don't really see how it benefits the poem. All the lines in this stanza starts with "th", which I don't know if it was a stylistic choice either, but it gets repetitive to start every line like that.
I think that the fourth line using "they're" could be replaced with "it's", just to switch it up and make it flow better.
The "your" in the second line feels like it should be replaced or reworded. The rest of the poem isn't clearly directed to anyone, and I don't think it should be, as the "you"s and "your"s would clog up the poem's flow. The last two lines of the stanza are weak, and you abandon the imagery that you had going in the first two lines. I wanted more about the crumbled stone, but I guess that goes along with making yourself a wall. I think that you could/could have swapped some of the words out that are weaker in this stanza and replace them with stronger synonyms. Doing this will make the stanza overall stronger and make it sound more like the first stanza.
I like the form that you keep throughout the stanzas and how you keep the idea of the poem riding on a base idea and expanding on it. The second line almost feels awkward, but it still works. I feel like it's a good time to address the rhyming. I felt like it was a little forceful with what it was trying to get across, and it seemed like the last two lines of each stanza were a little more constricting. The last two lines of the stanza didn't rhyme and it's off a beat if you read it aloud, which if you are rhyming or do decide to rhyme, be consistent with where you rhyme /or/ make the whole poem rhyme (I think the former works well here and you don't need to do that).
I really liked how you wrapped up the poem. It felt like a whole thought or poem, which was nice. I felt like that you didn't have to have a semicolon after every first line, because if you're looking at them as independent clauses, it's kind of awkward to start on a "nor". Other than that, I didn't really have any problems with the stanza.
I hope this helped and have a great day!