Fireworks

I liked this poem. In school this year i read a novel called "The Absolutely True Diaries of a Part-Time Indian." Talk about a book that will make you cry! It was about a boy that had severe brain damage, and close to no friends on an Indian reservation. Then he goes to a public school off the reservation, and learns that he's growing up around a world of broken dreams on the reservation. The dreams were broken for one reason: they had no money. I feel the same way you do. I love the fireworks, but once I learned about propaganda and how much money goes into presidential elections instead of charity's. I wanted to scream. But, if you think about it, there are still thousands of people climbing through desserts, and traveling thousands of miles to get the freedom that we take for granted.

I really enjoyed this poem. It made me look at the Fourth of July in a different way. You really gave the reader another aspect to look from. There is one thing about the poem that I did notice and thought that it could be improved. You say things like, "The fireworks began to lose there charm," and then, boom, you suddenly hate the fireworks. That's a big leap, from just noticing why there celebrating and not respecting that, to hating why there celebrating. If you added a little more disdain into the few lines before the line about hating fireworks, it would work a lot more.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem.

Hey Veritas!

So - definitely a controversial piece you've got going here. Unfortunately, I don't feel like your style does justice to the big topic you've decided to tackle. When I first started reading, I was confused - wait a sec, I was thinking, I thought this was a poem, but it reads like prose...?

There's nothing wrong with longer, more complicated lines in poetry, but this doesn't read like a poem to me - it reads like the outline to an essay or a short story. I agree with what the others have said about showing vs. telling. Really expanding on what was so particularly horrifying to you about each of the things you discovered in history class would make this so much more visceral and kill the ho-hum vibe. This a charged topic, so making the writing charged too.

I'm new to the site, this is the first thing I read & I have to say that I'm literally shaken. I can't say that the 4th of july has had a similar effect on me, but from around third grade to seventh all they taught us was the good things that happened and never the bad. When I did I was livid, and then in the ninth grade we talked about slavery and racism and were shown the movie "A time to kill" and I almost threw up....I have heard people yell about how great America is and how much we have helped but they don't seem to understand the people who were hurt and the millions that died to get us where we are....
sorry for my ramble, but this is without a doubt amazing....especially since there are very few who would have the courage to say it.

This is a great poem! I completely agree with it! America's history is so blood stained it's hard to tell what we are celebrating on the 4th of July. Here where I live there was a fireworks ban so I actually didn't really celebrate it.

Sorry, but this particular review will not have any critique, Veritas. I loved everything, and found no errors. All this review will contain is what I loved about this short tidbit, so that you may apply it to your other works.

Let's get started:
First off, I thought that what you wrote made a point; it was written for a purpose. This really intrigued me. It made me think about what America--the land of the free--REALLY is. Yes, I've never had suffering that I didn't bring upon myself. But I can't say the same for those past. That's what really got to me. Life isn't always a chocolate-sprinkled donut. Freedom? Forget it.

I wish that I could say the same about the fireworks, but they were ban in my area due to the drought as a fire-hazard. lol
Again, beautiful poem, nonetheless.

-Jojo

I can respect your views about America's past. Every country has a sordid past, no one can name one country that doesn't have blood staining their soil. But I think you dismiss the good in our Country. For example minorities like African Americans, Chinese, and Native Americans recieve benefits that others don't. There are also scholarships set up especially for them. In America you have the right to bash/slash/trash your own country. In other countries you would be eliminated for such talk. In America we have one of very few standing democracies. It's not a perfect system, but it's also not a dictatorship. You have a choice here. You also have a voice here. That's why I respect your poem, because you truly believe that you've been decieved by the United States. But the history is there, not hidden behind doors or locks or chains. No one said we were perfect. But I'll take those imperfections over the imperfections of the rest of the world any day. You're right about us knowing about our countries past ,though. Everyone who lives here should know about everything from the Rough Riders during the Spanish-American War to the Apache tribe. From George Washington to Bill Clinton. If we learn all of our nation's history, then maybe we can feel more secure when we shape our nation's future. Sorry if I didn't stay on topic, I could talk/type about this stuff for hours : )

Unbelievably breathe taking.
This needs to be seen by more than just the YWS fabulous eyes (in my opinion!)
I have never cared for the 4th of July myself, but the way you expressed your true opinion with no sense of pure hatred just raw honesty, my mouth dropped—literally.
I can truly say—I LOVE THIS POEM
I could never get this kind of emotion to settle on paper and I am basically (being 100%) honest here—going to stalk your other posted works this weekend.
Great job! I mean it!
SnowBerry

You have a point but I still love the 4th. really good poem

I feel the same way, too, and this really touched me that someone else agreed with me.
While America is clean, people have really forgotten what we had to do. We most certainly weren't brave with the African Americans.
And to that person said you 'forgot America' I completely disagree. That person have forgotten the civilizations we have ruined, and I'd love to see what people like the Native Americans, who were some of few who cooperated with nature, could have done. I'm not necessarily an environmentalist, I just hate what we've done.
And thats not even to mention the Mayans, Incas, and Aztecs. They really were amazing.
Anyway, back to your poem.
Like others said before me, show don't tell.
This quote: "The fireworks began to lose their charm" seems like it can only be used once. Maybe, for the 2nd and 3rd times you repeat that, you can change it around so they continue to lose their charm instead of beginning again, which is what it implied to me.
Nothing else, really, this poem was amazing.

I love lay on a blanket and watch fireworks, or I did. You have changed my mind. This is very real. People have changed over the years but there will still be that snotty pride that labels us as Americans. I never thought of that as a bad thing before now. Though you where just speaking your mind, you have changed at least one persons heart and I can say that in my eyes you are a revolutionary.
-Always, Writer.

I, myself, am truly jaded against America, much in the same fashion as you. I never really felt anything towards America when I was younger, but like you [if these iare your true feelings] I see how much... corruption, for lack of a better word, it really took for America to get where it is today. You can be drilled into thinking how wonderful your country is, or how wonderful anything else is, but there are always people who can see past it. I've lost whatever respect I have for alot of things though [just not America] and I think that poems like this truly reflect just what the cost of 'freedom' has. I don't think it's unpatriodic, it's needed. Every story has two sides, and it's up to people, not just historians, to find where that truly lies.

I honestly felt like this on the 4th. I watched the fireworks with my family, but all they were was just 'pretty lights in the sky'. They meant nothing, and this poem captures that. You've written it well, but as Hannah said, "show, don't tell." I feel that, besides the fireworks losing their charm, you need to convey more emotion for it.

Other than that, I have no problems with it. Most times people don't say things like this because of fear from what others think. I'm happy you put it up though. I loved it.

Keep on writing.

~ Wolfy

Wow, this is good. It really made me think about independence day and what it's about. I love fireworks, but you're making me rethink them!

Awesome poem- I loved how you showed that you began to dislike the fireworks.

I hated the fireworks.

Formslipper wrote:Go to North Korea. Go to China. Go to Kenya.

Got to Germany- Heil Hitler!!!!!!!!!!

Nah... Just stay here, in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Be thankful that you live in the cleanest of all nations; don't expect perfection from us Americans. Instead, expect a land where civilization is wrought and freedom for blacks paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of men- arms torn from their sockets, steel in their guts, damned to nameless graves.

Expect a land from which bold warriors journey to seek the nazi death-camps to destroy them and liberate the destitute. Expect a land where the iron fist of Communism- the bastion against human rights and freedom- is fought against ever so bravely. Expect a land from which men in arms leave to suffer on Pacific-Japanese, tropical hells, where napalm rains fire and melts skin and where the screams of forgotten troops are faded into bloody, drowning waters- all for freedom's cause.

"What do you want from us?" cry the still-tortured American prisoners of war to their petty countrymen, "Have we not given you our lives? Have we not protected your rights and comfort while you wallow amidst amber waves of grain and cities bright? Must you forget us as we are tortured and made to march naked through 'Nam prison yards, to rot in cells like animals, to die as men forever forgotten by you?"

And the veterans who made it home, whose legs were blown off by mines, and whose fingers severed by the demon enemy? Will you forget them too, as they beg in the streets, as they shiver in the alleyways- their mind's eye flashing back to the silhouettes of hidden guerillas in the rice paddies of Asia Minor, AK's concealed up their backs.

Will you forget them?

You have forgotten America, the fortress of peace in the world of shame. The fourth of July is not for you.

Wow this poeM is amazing! It really makes me think of the reality of our history. It makes me think of the things our ancestors did in order to persue their dreams. The poeple they killed, (indians) the scams the y pulled. It actually put a blood stain to the american flag, and the fireworks do not seem so glorious after all. still our ancestors faught for thier country and for that they deserve the reverance. You did a fantastic job! Not only did you entertain the reader, but you made us think about your topic as well. Keep on writing, I look forward to reading more of your writings!

Go to North Korea. Go to China. Go to Kenya.

Got to Germany- Heil Hitler!!!!!!!!!!

Nah... Just stay here, in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Be thankful that you live in the cleanest of all nations; don't expect perfection from us Americans. Instead, expect a land where civilization is wrought and freedom for blacks paid for by the blood of hundreds of thousands of men- arms torn from their sockets, steel in their guts, damned to nameless graves.

Expect a land from which bold warriors journey to seek the nazi death-camps to destroy them and liberate the destitute. Expect a land where the iron fist of Communism- the bastion against human rights and freedom- is fought against ever so bravely. Expect a land from which men in arms leave to suffer on Pacific-Japanese, tropical hells, where napalm rains fire and melts skin and where the screams of forgotten troops are faded into bloody, drowning waters- all for freedom's cause.

"What do you want from us?" cry the still-tortured American prisoners of war to their petty countrymen, "Have we not given you our lives? Have we not protected your rights and comfort while you wallow amidst amber waves of grain and cities bright? Must you forget us as we are tortured and made to march naked through 'Nam prison yards, to rot in cells like animals, to die as men forever forgotten by you?"

And the veterans who made it home, whose legs were blown off by mines, and whose fingers severed by the demon enemy? Will you forget them too, as they beg in the streets, as they shiver in the alleyways- their mind's eye flashing back to the silhouettes of hidden guerillas in the rice paddies of Asia Minor, AK's concealed up their backs.

Will you forget them?

You have forgotten America, the fortress of peace in the world of shame. The fourth of July is not for you.

This is an epic poem! Wow. Very nice job.
It's deep and makes you think.
There are always two sides to freedom.
Thanks for the nice read!

-------------------
-Jojo

Amazing! That's all I have to say, really.

This is a great poem! You're not being unpatriotic because it's all true. If we are proud, then we should be proud of our faults also. I would love to see a die-hard patriot read this poem and try to argue back against it. After all, our country isn't all so great.

There were a few things that bothered me however. You talk about the Chinese forced to work on the railroads, and yes they had deplorable conditions to work it, but they came here of their own free will. I'd rather have you talk about the Japanese concentration camps, or the fact that the Germans had to abandon their culture for a long time, because these seem worse than the Chinese on the rails. I understand that you're only putting a few examples in the poem, but these seem a lot worse and goes with your theme more than the Chinese part.

I would also like to see the lines "the fireworks began to lose their charm" grow. Like in the fourth grade, have that line, but in fifth grade say "the fireworks began to disgust me," or something to that effect. I would like to see the hate build up until "I hated fireworks." I think that would be better because right now it seems too tame.

The ending was magnificent though and I can tell that you feel strongly in the poem. Good job and keep up the work!

-Nana

I really enjoyed this! I mean I don't feel your unpatrotic or anything. Sometimes I feel the same exact way. We were (and still are) selfish people who just are greedy. Human beings are greedy and like to win haha, but I feel the same exact way and I really enjoyed the poem

Hi! This is great. This is touching on something you feel strongly about, something you can outline the steps into, as well. But what I think is that I want to know more about what it feels like. You only mention briefly that you cry, something that gives us a visual into how you're feeling. If you've ever heard before that you should "show, not tell", the rest of your description of your emotions is telling. Like "I hated the fireworks".

I really like to know that you hated the fireworks. But I want to know how that manifested itself in you. Where did you feel that hate? Did you express it? If you did, how? If you didn't, how did it feel to keep the hate inside you? Did you see how other people reacted? Did you wonder if they felt the same way? Patriotism comes from a feeling of community. Did you feel like you'd exited the community?

My favorite part was when you said the world was on mute, because that was a sensory image I could really get in to. Through all the loud explosions, when you adjusted to them, it felt quieter. I could definitely understand that.

I also wonder why you feel lied to at the end, if throughout your education you'd been told new things that you obviously believed in. So wouldn't that mean that you'd been told the truth? How did the feeling of being lied to last over all the years of being told the truth? I'm just wondering. I'd rather see these feelings in comparisons than hear the timeline of how you came to this feeling.

Maybe it would help if you chose a point in time and wrote from just that point, instead of moving through. You could still look back at how it felt in the past, but then we'd be more grounded in a place emotionally. It would also help our sights of the fireworks out as the world fades to mute. We'd feel like we were actually watching the fireworks with you instead of looking around in a distant place at your feelings over time.

If you have questions, please let me know and we can talk more!

Hannah