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Bangladesh

by Urba


Beyond the earth

Far from the moon

Behind the stars

And full of flowers.

There's a land

Lies on the sand,

Full of blue, full of green

Reveals all the beauty the nature has gained.

My country, my home

Upon the clouds, on the bed of foam.

Here blows the air light and fresh

My own land, I call her Bangladesh.


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Thu Sep 03, 2015 2:08 pm
Harker wrote a review...



Hey there, Urba! I'm here to review this magnificent poem of yours. First of all, thank you for posting this. Your devotion to and love for your country really shines through with every word. Now... let's get to the hard stuff. ;)

Beyond the earth

Far from the moon

Behind the stars


I do like this idea, but the second line's execution seems a little awkward to me. "Far from the moon" disrupts the flow and the image of something "beyond the Earth". Of course, it's not physically beyond the Earth, but that doesn't mean I can't picture that! I'd change this bit to something like, "Beyond the Earth, / and the moon, / behind the stars". I'd also add a line after "behind the stars". It doesn't matter what it is, but it'd be nice if it mirrored the first two. For example, "Beyond the Earth, / and the moon, / behind the stars, / and the skies". Something like that.

And full of flowers.

There's a land

Lies on the sand,



I don't like this sudden rhyme of "land" and "sand". It throws off the flow and doesn't make much sense in this context. Instead, I'd mix up these words and try something like, "There is a land, / full of flowers, / and glittering dunes". Now, I haven't been to your country, and I don't want to make assumptions about what it looks like or feels like to you--I'm just trying to help you make your original words slightly more engaging.

Full of blue, full of green

Reveals all the beauty the nature has gained.

My country, my home

Upon the clouds, on the bed of foam.


This second line sounds a bit off to me. I'd change it, especially because it's longer than normal. What about something like, "full of blue, / and green, / it lies upon the clouds, / and it is my home." The rhyme between "home" and "foam" is a bit off-putting and artificial.

Here blows the air light and fresh

My own land, I call her Bangladesh.


I really like this final, personal connection, and I think this is a well-executed rhyme. Bravo, Urba!

--

If you have any questions about this, just PM me or respond. I'm sorry if the feedback I gave you was repetitive or unnecessary. Don't forget to be awesome!

IronSpark




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Fri Apr 03, 2015 7:52 am
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prithamrittika wrote a review...



hi urba. i like the poem very much. nothing to say. you explain your country beautifully. the last lines are most most beautiful

My country, my home

Upon the clouds, on the bed of foam.

Here blows the air light and fresh

My own land, I call her Bangladesh.

the three line is perfect for bangladesh

There's a land

Lies on the sand,

Full of blue, full of green

the total poem is beautiful. keep writing.,,,...




Urba says...


Thnx thnx thnx thnx...



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Mon Mar 23, 2015 4:52 am
donizback wrote a review...



Guess what! I am here for a review, as requested.
Well, I know I am late (sorry about that. The weekend was super busy!).
Should I continue with review? Okay! Let's go.

It was a cute, little poem. I personally liked it. Not really one of the best poems but still really very good given that you are just 13! I wrote my first poem when I was 13 so I this number the most. haha

Well, this poem clearly shows how much you love your motherland and why shouldn't you? It is such an awesome country! (let's not talk about politics here. haha)

The only thing which I disliked was that it was way too short. It could have been longer. And there is no structure to the poem. I mean, how do you identify if it has like 2 stanzas or 3 of them? Do write poems in stanzas - believe me, it makes the poem look even better.

Another thing to note here is that the title is not really good enough. Make it like a phrase such as "My beautiful country" or anything! Try to grab the readers' attention with the title. I am sure you'll do better next time.

Signing off for now. Do let me know if you need any help :) I'd love to help. Good luck.




Urba says...


oww...thank you...actually in the real copy there was two stanzas....but as it is my first work posted here...i got a bit nervous and forgot to keep the gap... :D



donizback says...


It's totally fine. Do let me know if you want any help. :)



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Sat Mar 07, 2015 6:13 am
Siennabrooks says...



Good one
keep writting...

Sienna...




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Sat Dec 13, 2014 12:05 pm
WaltzingDreams wrote a review...



That was a nice piece! :) I liked the imagery you used for this and even the context of your poem is touching. True love for Motherland and expressed in poem!

My suggestion is that you make a sort of 'transition' with your thoughts here and there like in the part of "Behind the stars / And full of flowers." You should create a sort of connection with the two lines, linking the heavens to something earth-bound. Or you could exchange the two lines... "Behind the stars/ there is a land/ Full of flowers....."

Overall, it was a good one ;)




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Sat Dec 13, 2014 1:31 am
HybridHead wrote a review...



Overall a descent poem, but do consider the first four lines.

1. Bangladesh is not "beyond the earth", it's ON earth.
2. Of course it's far from the moon, it's ON earth.
3. Behind the stars? I don't get it.
4. This line arbitrarily describes an implied entity that is full of flowers. It's confusing and doesn't make much sense.

Apart from these, it's quite alright. I like how the last four lines rhymed. They're fairly grammatical.




Urba says...


Poetry is much about imagination....and i see my country on 'this' height. Still thanks!



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Fri Dec 12, 2014 10:26 pm
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Burrow says...



That was beautiful.




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Fri Dec 12, 2014 7:33 pm
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LionessQueen wrote a review...



I really enjoyed your poem. I think it is really interesting that you are from Bangladesh. You are really good at writing. This poem definitely painted a picture. Even though I don't live in your country let alone seen it, it is as if I was there. You really make me want to visit Bangladesh, it sounds sooooooo beautiful. I think this line:
"My own land, I call her Bangladesh."
Was especially good.
Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see more of your poetry. Happy writing and have a great day.




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Fri Dec 12, 2014 7:15 pm
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Eldritch wrote a review...



Hello!! Guess what??? guess guess guess!

When i first saw the title i went like :o !! Yahhooo! Finally! My Bangladesh! our Bangladesh!

First of all, Good poem, it's so good that you wrote something about your country and your love for your country is actually showing here :)

I don't wanna critique on this piece. and yes, guessing over?

Well, I'm a Bangladeshi too! *High Five*

And, welcome to YWS, enjoy writing, reading and reviewing! :)

Good time! ভালো থাকো! :)




Urba says...


Yess!!*High Five* to you too:) Thanx!!



Eldritch says...


^_^



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Fri Dec 12, 2014 3:45 pm
ketr3n wrote a review...



Home is where the heart is, and maybe that place you would say is beyond the Earth, but the land of Bangladesh is very much a part of the Earth, isn't it? ;)

I think that phrase is often used, you know, to the point of overuse, and is really only included to add a contrast to the next line, "Far from the moon." If you nix that first line, the rest of the poem still functions and, as well, will have this added effect of being a very beautiful, shimmering night-time poem.

Without the very bright, day-time-y, earthy, foliage-y, Earth reference, you have "the moon" and "the stars" and "flowers" and "blue" and "green" and "bed of foam" - like a night walk on the beach.

The poem's title and first line made it start very vague, but now you've specified what part of Bangladesh you're talking about: the countryside or the sea, where the air blows "light and fresh." Surely, the air isn't so pleasant in the slums of the country, like Dhaka. It's difficult to encompass the whole, I know. Countries are so big. I can't talk about all of the different land areas in the US very well, either, especially if only one area in particular is where I call home.

The only spot I'd rephrase:

"My country, my home
Upon the clouds, on the bed of foam.
Here blows the air light and fresh
My own land, I call her Bangladesh."

How about:

"My country, my home,
On clouds, on foam:
Here, the air is light and fresh—

My land, Bangladesh."

Yes? No? It felt funny reading with so many words, like there were too many in my mouth before I finished a line, so I struck a few.

This poem has that really loving tone behind it, and I appreciate that. I have no idea if you're still in Bangladesh, but I'm not living in the state, here, in the US that I call home. I can relate to that endearing feeling. It's nice. It's simple.

For this poem, with a few excess words removed, the whole thing would be even better.





Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author