1
[Our story begins in a distant village named Roe of Russia. It is the story of a little boy whose unforgettable love and devotion for his mother made him our hero.]
After three days continues snowfall, the sun finally said hi to the villagers. It was just a little shaft of sun that spread all over the village and nothing more. As snowfall has become an inseparable part of the village, the villagers thanked the almighty for a rare sunny day. Snow was everywhere, onto the trees, over the hills, around the fences and also in the dust-bins. In that very morning a caretaker from the only church of the village Gustav, who was a hard-working old man, started to clean soft ice from the graveyard.
“Oh… What a beautiful morning this is!” thought he.
Indeed it was. From the graveyard on a hill-top he could see the brook flowing through the northern side of Roe. Frost had made a thick layer on its water. Kids from a nearby school were fishing in those frost-cover holes. Some of them were playing with colorful skating shoes and boards. Gustav imagined them as little dolls.
The graveyard was too big for the little population of Roe. So bunch of time was being needed to clean the yard. But old Gustav didn’t feel any boredom. He had been working here for 25 years and got a rare chance to go out. But he didn’t left this life. Why? Well, Gustav didn’t tell us. But he liked to stand beside the soundless, colorless world where laid many of his men, many of their men, sleeping forever and the innocent lives who never new what fate is!
Gustav stared at the brook so didn’t saw Jojovich coming.
“Lots of snow everywhere, hah…How would it be if I help you, old man?” said Jojovich in a cheerful voice. Then he didn’t wait for an answer. Taking a snow covered spade, kept carelessly beside Gustav, he said eyeing at the northern graves,
“You know that kid? He keeps coming here every day since Mrs. Andrei died. He doesn’t talk with anyone, really weird isn’t he?”
Mrs. Andrei died almost a couple of weeks ago. By then, a boy’s continuous appearance was not so much unnoticeable. He wore a colorful woolen scarf, blue shirt with a button missing, charcoal pants and a pair of oversized, old and faded boots. The boy held a yellow Bible in his left hand.
Gustav may had lost all his excitement and probably had no interests on living things. He smiled lifelessly, that was so full of disappointment.
“Fate plays awful games with some people. Probably he’s one of them. ”, he murmured. As rough as possible.
About Gustav’s mysterious character, a little was known. His glittering eyes must have held something that made Jojovich giving up on him.
2
The boy-with a yellow Bible-really was a ‘fate’s toy’. His name-Ivan.
Ivan’s mother couldn’t read, though as a country-woman it’s not a matter of wonder. So, after returning from school it was Ivan’s daily task to read her the Bible. When his friends were playing with snowballs and ice frosts, that time Ivan often had to travel the holy pages of his old Bible. Sometimes he got bored. Sometimes his mind was not there in that small wooden house. He looked through the window to where the maple trees were filled with snow-unconscious.
And then, “Ivan… go on son”, his mother called. Ivan started reading again.
But Ivan’s thoughts knew no bound. His green eyes sparked with the dream of malachite-mines of the west. So much he desired to be a mine-worker.
But today morning when he was reading the Bible beside his mother’s grave-stone, his big bright eyes were looking colorless and small because of cold wind. Ivan didn’t have gloves, his mother had. As they were too big for little Ivan, he held the Bible barehanded. His little hands were shivering every second.
“Who cares”, thought he. So, Ivan continued reading. After his mother died of severe unknown fever, he tried to convince himself by thinking that it was good because he won’t have to read the Bible now. But after a few days he suddenly realized that reading the Bible had been become his habit. So, every morning he came to the grave-yard and read to his mother.
After a sunny day cold came again in Roe. Freezing wind started to blow over the graveyard up on the hill. Surely one woolen scarf wasn’t enough to fight against that. Ivan curled up into a ball pulling himself together. He put his chin onto his knees. But didn’t stop reading. Slowly his hands got colder. It became too hard to hold the Bible. Then his doll-like face-what was already pale-turned blue with cold. His brown hair got covered with white snow. It was impossible to go home because snow storm had already started. Ivan’s whole body was freezing. His thoughts messed up. A sudden unknown feeling was there. But still he didn’t stop. Slowly he murmured the last two lines of The Holy Bible:
He who testifieth these things saith, surely I come quickly. A-men. Even so, Come Lord Jesus. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. A-men. (The Holy Bible: Revelation: 22)
Then fell down on where his mother laid forever. Ivan heard someone was calling him. A thin weak voice. He recognized it was his mother’s. He tried to call her. But his throat was too dry to say anything. And suddenly there was nothing else.
3
The snow went on till the next day morning. The people of Roe wondered to see another sunny day so early. That morning Jojovich and Gustav came into the grave-yard to clean ice. Jojovich was going to clean the ice of the northern side. He stopped-shocked. At once his face turned pale. He cried, “Gustav…Gustav look…”
They saw a little body. Curled, lifeless. No, there was no ice around it. As they were respecting the body. As they’d let the divine light to come and take Ivan’s holy soul to haven. Where there is no misery no sadness.
My Words: There is no such village named Roe in Russia. There can be some spelling and grammar mistakes. Because the main story was written in Bengali by me. I translated it in a very short time. Thank you for reading it.
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Hello Urba! Otter here to review as they once promised!
To be entirely honest, i can't review stories and i never did too.. I just read stories, like it or dislike it. Your one here is pretty good with few grammatical errors, which you've mentioned too; which i think is editable so if you have time, please..?
You wrote it with a Russian background. Good that. Three parts, i liked the second one which is touchy and in a way or other i can relate to it. I'm pretty devoted to my mum too and do things for her which have no meaning and all. I try not to but still do, that's how i can relate.
I liked the name "Ivan" too!
Now! In part 1-
I think it should've been this-
And this, i found it bit faulty-
You better keep your sentence simple, sister. Otherwise you'll confuse the readers. I think you should've highlighted the other characters too, bit more. You can also write something like part TWO and that. My question is- just because someone's mum is dead why should he be fate's toy? He can work harder for his mum and it's his mother's memories which will make him only stronger. Your ending could've been somewhat like that. It was little predictable like some of your reviewers have said.
Anyway, you can feel my review is somehow incomplete but pardon me as it's my first review on any story. Like you said, you translated it in a very short time and then you came up with this which is applaudable! Trust me, i stink at translating!
Whatever, i look forward to see some more from you. Hope you've had a great Eid! So long!
*jumps outside*
~ Otter
Hi ForgottenMemories here to review.
Continues should be Continuous
A simple typo and I'm sure you already noticed it.
This sounds like something out a of an old children's TV show.
"The sun's rays poked out of the clouds, in greeting to the village after 3 days of snowfall"
sounds way better.
This doesnt sound right in my mind it should be "What a beautiful morning" he thought to himself
I dont know if this is meant as a metaphor and if it is why is he imagining children as little dolls. I would understand it if he was high above them or very far away but from the context neither is possible.
This here is a sentence that doesnt know where it's going. It has an idea it just doesnt know how to say what it wants to.
A lot of time is needed to clean the graveyard. Is more clear to read and It gives the readers more of a general Idea of how much time is devoted to cleaning such a large area.
I feel as though you switched the point of view really fast and it confused me with this sentence. This entire sentence is hard to understand as a whole.
You just switched the point of view again. The setting has also changed a moment ago he was standing next to the colourless world.
Punctuation and Grammar are going to be your best friends. Also this entire paragraph needs to be rewritten.
This is where I'll stop for now. I'll come back and finish this in a comment
Keep writing!
Happy review day
Clickdun here :3 Let's talk about your story...
This seems like a very immature line. Being that it sounds like a child would say it, not a responsible narrator. Try The sun greeted the village after many days of continuous snowfall. That just sounds better.
There are three things wrong with this sentence, first is your clunky dialogue. It's clunky in the fact that nobody thinks like that. Try: The old man smiled, it was a beautiful morning. That should fix your dialogue right up!
The second of the three things is wording of Switch those two words around and it should read better. Like this: He thought See?
The third and final thing that was wrong with this sentence is the fact that thoughts go in italics not quotation marks. Or, in other words-or rather the same words with emphasis-: Thoughts go in italics not "quotation marks."
This sentence should be cut.
Two things:
1.) Why? Is this a metaphor?
2.) Put this into a new paragraph.
That was a sudden change of subject, this paragraph should have been explaining the aforementioned Why? about the dolls.
This whole sentence needs to be reconstructed. Try Gustav stared at the brook. He was so distracted by it he didn't see Jojovich coming.
I'm going to stop there as you obviously know where I'm going with this. The grammar doesn't work in English, it was translated poorly. I would recommend showing it to someone who knows both the languages to get this all polished up. Remember, languages are usually constructed differently than others.
We're going to talk about your actual story now, so worry not! Um, I don't get it.
Allow me to elaborate, I get the idea, but it's actually not a story that makes sense to be written. It had no conflict, there was a glaring plot hole that really irked me, in that Ivan didn't go home when the snow came down.
As for the other thing, the fact that there is no conflict, try making the characters have struggles with things. It's always important to do that. There are three steps to a good conflict:
1.) The character wants something
2.) But they can't have it because reasons.
3.) So they figure out how to get it anyway.
Let's translate that to your story:
1.) Ivan wants to read the Bible to his mom.
2.) But he can't get into the cemetary.
3.) But he figures out he can climb the gate.
A complete story arc would have him get so numb he couldn't climb the gate again so he has no choice but to die in the cemetary.
And that would be a much better story.
Hope this helped.
Write on!
~ Lord Clickdun
Hi Urba.
Nice seeing a Bengali here. So this was originally written in Bengali. Did you translate it only to get criticism or do you plan on working on the English version? If it's the latter, then you have to do some serious editing.
As a person who did once write in Bengali, I can say the mechanics of the two languages are very different, and a particular effect that you can get in one with ease, you won't necessarily be able to in the other.
Your story, if judged purely on plot, started off pretty well. I don't understand why you did a chekovesque Russian setting. Was there any particular reason for it?
Gustav seems interesting. More info on him would've been nice. You don't talk much about Jojovich.
I don't have much to say because I'm not attempting to correct the grammatical errors and story-wise the most interesting part was in the middle, when Ivan continues reading the bible to her mother after her death.
Killing him off was predictable. I strongly suggest you re-write the latter part of your story. As of now, it's just one of those soapy stories with a Russian background.
I sure hope it reads better in Bengali. Maybe you will let me have a peek at that. I'll be be happy to give it a read.
Un.
Thanks for reviewing. Hey you know bengali? Ok so your complain was that I gave a little information about Gustav and Jojovich. Jojovich is not an important chracter. But Gustav is one of my fav. So you'll have to wait for the sequal I'm writing. It's the story of Gustav. About the Russian background I can only say that Russia is one of my fav countries. Bye.
Urba.
My main issue with the story was how it ended. I felt it was predictable; it made it harder for me to appreciate the eerie middle of your story. And yeah, I do know Bengali. I'm from Dhaka.
You're planning to do a sequel? I'd love to read it.
As expected you're from Dhaka. I'll try to solve my writing. Thanks