Alo~ First poem! I think I did fine. Though I need someone else to review this. So... help? Thank you in advance!
Our friends, How long will they be there for us? Before the fight breaks, Evil words roll, And it be nothing but chaos.
Our friends, How long will they be there for us? Before evil takes over them. Jealousy or influenced? Which will it be?
Our real spine of life. But how long will it be? Before the world turns over and clouds turn black, Eyes turn red and words unsaid, Are all filled with hatred and unkindness.
Our real spine of life. Still are they that? Yes, they still are, Regardless of the past, Regardless of the future. She'll be the loser. For she did nothing but shape me, To someone less gullible to fall for something like that, All over again.
She lost me, A friend like me, in such a way, Even God would say, "Shame for ever bringing her to Earth." For everything but the truth, Is in what she stood. My friend. No, my trust-thief.
But then, I don't see what other harm she's done to me. Though now I must thank her, For bringing me to such an uprising, For opening my eyes, For being accomplished, yes more than her, After my dramatic fall. So, I thank her.
Thank you, friend. My trust-thief, My blood-stained knife, My eye-opener, My... my savior.
Wow, I really like this piece! Especially how you call backstabbing friends "saviors" , because they really are. They really make you more aware of people. This is one of my favorite pieces, for sure. Keep up the good work! Brandi
Note that this review will probably be more harsh than the ones you've already received. I'm going to be entirely honest in it, but all of the things I say are things that you might be interested in taking to mind.
First of all, this poem did get progressively better... kind of. The ending added a few twists, and there were a few strong lines that should be recognized later on.
Unfortunately, the beginning of this poem was so full of cliches and angsty energy (and a few spelling mistakes, which I'll point out in a spoiler at the end of the review). The "back-stabbing" friends theme is something that you'll already find so many poems on. It's all whiny-sounding teenage angst that tends to become overkill after a while. It's something that people can relate to, sure, but as it's being in poem form, the theme needs a higher level of creativity (as it would if it was being put as down in any other literary form).
To write a strong poem, you should rely mostly on three very important factors: Imagery, Emotion and Creativity- along with many other little factors such as but not limited to: word choice, layout, stanza structure, grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc, etc... Of course, we're focusing more on the first three here. Your imagery was lacking- it was there, but it just wasn't as provoking as it could have been. Why? Because you lacked a bit of the creativity factor- especially near the beginning. Most of your images are used so often already that they tend to get dull and boring. In poetry, people want lines and phrases that both come from and represent you(r poem). They don't want the same lines and use of imagery that everybody else uses on a regular basis. Then there's emotion, which I suppose you could say that this poem had, but it sounded... haughty and stuck up. Not at all that provoking. I understand what you're trying to get at with the poem, but the way you put it, in all honesty, just makes the entire piece portray you as arrogant and bitter, even after you thank you 'trust-thief.'
That could use some work- try to find other ways of describing what you have down. The cliches can be a structure, but find things that mean the same as what that aforementioned cliche is trying to say; it won't be nearly as dull, and it'll give you many a bonus point for being creative.
Another thing I noticed was how repetitive some of this poem was. You used the same lines and phrases repeatedly in so many areas, that it honestly got to be a bit much. Repetition is good when it's set out right, and when it's intentional. (I have problems with repeating words and phrases myself, so I should be taking my own advice here. ) For example, "How long" was used a lot. Obviously, it was intentional, but it just didn't sound good. All it did was add to the [negative] angst factor. Just watch out for that.
On the upside, the ending of the poem did seem to get better. It showed hints of what I mentioned before, and out of the entire poem, it showed the most potential. The last stanza did have one cliche; "My blood-stained knife." The last line was provoking, however. The repition of 'my' actually worked. (Another thing that I would suggest is putting 'saviour' in italics. Just a random thought- but it puts emphasis on the word, which you're obviously going for)
Now, for a couple spelling errors that I noticed:
To someone less guliable to fall for something like that,
Gullible, no guliable.
For openning my eyes,
Opening only needs one N.
My eye-openner,
Opener only needs one N, as well.
My... my savoir.
This one's just a little entirely important, since it's in your title as well. I'm assuming that you meant, "Savior," not, "Savoir?"
All in all, this poem could use a little bit of work. I hope that I helped.
Hey! I really like this poem because I can relate to it. I've been there before and it's true that backstabbing friends can be eye-openers. Where you wrote "guliable" did you mean "gullible"?
Nice job with the poem and I agree with Deanie- that last stanza was a nice ending.
I really like this poem. It is very easy to relate to and I have to say very true. At first I was a little confused after reading the first two verse. I couldn't understand what you were trying to say. But when I completed the poem it all became really clear.
I like the imagery and I have to say my favourite verse is:
Justtrying wrote:Thank you, friend. My trust-thief, My blood-stained knife, My eye-openner, My... my savoir.
The last lines were a good sum-up and were very descriptive. All in all great job!
I really like this. It shows an interesting point of view on the whole "backstabbing friend" thing. I personally have had a backstabbing friend, and it actually made me stronger, and allowed me to open my eyes to who my real friends were and what I want in a friend.
This dipicts a great perspective. I love it. Keep up the good work.
I really liked this poem as it seems to be very true to a lot of frindships, the only thing I'd like to say is that you have made a couple of minor spelling errors
For openning my eyes
Opening only has one n as does opener :] Other than these minorities I thought the poem was fantastic. :]
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Wow, I really like this piece! Especially how you call backstabbing friends "saviors" , because they really are. They really make you more aware of people. This is one of my favorite pieces, for sure. Keep up the good work!
Brandi
Hey Justtrying, here to review! ^^
Note that this review will probably be more harsh than the ones you've already received. I'm going to be entirely honest in it, but all of the things I say are things that you might be interested in taking to mind.
) For example, "How long" was used a lot. Obviously, it was intentional, but it just didn't sound good. All it did was add to the [negative] angst factor. Just watch out for that.
Spoiler
First of all, this poem did get progressively better... kind of. The ending added a few twists, and there were a few strong lines that should be recognized later on.
Unfortunately, the beginning of this poem was so full of cliches and angsty energy (and a few spelling mistakes, which I'll point out in a spoiler at the end of the review). The "back-stabbing" friends theme is something that you'll already find so many poems on. It's all whiny-sounding teenage angst that tends to become overkill after a while. It's something that people can relate to, sure, but as it's being in poem form, the theme needs a higher level of creativity (as it would if it was being put as down in any other literary form).
To write a strong poem, you should rely mostly on three very important factors: Imagery, Emotion and Creativity- along with many other little factors such as but not limited to: word choice, layout, stanza structure, grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc, etc... Of course, we're focusing more on the first three here. Your imagery was lacking- it was there, but it just wasn't as provoking as it could have been. Why? Because you lacked a bit of the creativity factor- especially near the beginning. Most of your images are used so often already that they tend to get dull and boring. In poetry, people want lines and phrases that both come from and represent you(r poem). They don't want the same lines and use of imagery that everybody else uses on a regular basis. Then there's emotion, which I suppose you could say that this poem had, but it sounded... haughty and stuck up. Not at all that provoking. I understand what you're trying to get at with the poem, but the way you put it, in all honesty, just makes the entire piece portray you as arrogant and bitter, even after you thank you 'trust-thief.'
That could use some work- try to find other ways of describing what you have down. The cliches can be a structure, but find things that mean the same as what that aforementioned cliche is trying to say; it won't be nearly as dull, and it'll give you many a bonus point for being creative.
Another thing I noticed was how repetitive some of this poem was. You used the same lines and phrases repeatedly in so many areas, that it honestly got to be a bit much. Repetition is good when it's set out right, and when it's intentional. (I have problems with repeating words and phrases myself, so I should be taking my own advice here.
On the upside, the ending of the poem did seem to get better. It showed hints of what I mentioned before, and out of the entire poem, it showed the most potential. The last stanza did have one cliche; "My blood-stained knife." The last line was provoking, however. The repition of 'my' actually worked. (Another thing that I would suggest is putting 'saviour' in italics. Just a random thought- but it puts emphasis on the word, which you're obviously going for)
Now, for a couple spelling errors that I noticed:
Gullible, no guliable.
Opening only needs one N.
Opener only needs one N, as well.
This one's just a little entirely important, since it's in your title as well. I'm assuming that you meant, "Savior," not, "Savoir?"
All in all, this poem could use a little bit of work. I hope that I helped.
Keeping writing,
~~Ish.
Hey! I really like this poem because I can relate to it. I've been there before and it's true that backstabbing friends can be eye-openers. Where you wrote "guliable" did you mean "gullible"?
Nice job with the poem and I agree with Deanie- that last stanza was a nice ending.
Keep writing
Hey Justtrying!
I really like this poem. It is very easy to relate to and I have to say very true. At first I was a little confused after reading the first two verse. I couldn't understand what you were trying to say. But when I completed the poem it all became really clear.
I like the imagery and I have to say my favourite verse is:
The last lines were a good sum-up and were very descriptive. All in all great job!
I really like this. It shows an interesting point of view on the whole "backstabbing friend" thing. I personally have had a backstabbing friend, and it actually made me stronger, and allowed me to open my eyes to who my real friends were and what I want in a friend.
This dipicts a great perspective. I love it. Keep up the good work.
Love and other things,
fictionfanatic
I really liked this poem as it seems to be very true to a lot of frindships, the only thing I'd like to say is that you have made a couple of minor spelling errors
Opening only has one n as does opener :]
Other than these minorities I thought the poem was fantastic. :]