A wallflower. That's what she was.
Delicate, fragile, and
Soft.
And I... I was a white heather.
Small, quiet, often unnoticed,
But always there, watching,
Guarding.
It wasn't long till I became a sunflower.
And just so, I was always looking at her,
But I always did forget,
that though the sun rises, the sun sets too.
Leaving the sunflower alone
Through the cold, windy night.
Unprotected, exposed.
But oh! The sun rises again,
But unfortunately, this cycle,
Of love and hate,
Of togetherness and betrayal
Went on again and again,
Night after night,
Day after day.
But, as the winds grew stronger,
Did my affection grow deeper.
Only for me to finally realize that she was a rose.
I tried, I tried to get closer,
But oh, must we forget,
That she is a rose.
And every rose has its thorns,
That leaves wounds deep,
With scars staining,
Dirtying the surface,
Breaking it,
Tearing it,
Slowly.
That was just the beginning,
And soon after did I see her true color,
Did I see her true form,
Form of that of a rafflesia.
A faceless beauty,
A shameful odor.
That only allows me to feel nothing but
Disgust, sadness,
And shame.
And so I went away,
Or maybe I pushed her away and moved on.
Though a small part of me wants her to remain,
Be there,
Forever with me.
Her odor makes me think again;
there is the fact that she is a rafflesia.
Hey Twistedmuffins,
I thought the flowers touch was handled really great, the imagery sort of wafts over at you, because you don't quite make the comparison immediately or directly, so I thought the progression from wallflower to white heather to sunflower was just handled beautifully. And the imagery that the flower provides is excellent as well - I love the symbolism and how you took it that extra level and kept it moving - great pacing with the breaks. Overall this all works together very well.
I think this may be one of my favorite of yours -- I absolutely loved it
The story is interesting too - I sort of like it because it's not immediately a boy/girl romance sort of relationship that I got from this, but almost a girl/girl friendship type of relationship, which I thought was an ingenious stroke. It sort of reminds me of how friendships fade away and how we grow into different people, or how we might want to reach out to people, but are afraid or thus unable to. I thought that was a unique twist to the whole flower/love motif that we usually see in poems.
Excellent job overall!
I love the turn here, that from a rose she becomes a rafflesia, and I actually had to google to see what that was. I sort of wanted more description of a rafflesia -- I know you used the odor thing, but when I googled it and saw the fungus-like appearance and the roughness and sturdyness (almost like bark!), and yet still despite that there's this vibrant color -- why not add details such as that to the poem? Just a suggestion.
Hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
Very...heartfelt poem. I can feel the poem. When I read it I can imagine the loneliness and sadness, but also the small moments of joy. I really like your style here, with not really a rhyming scheme but everything still flows nicely. My favorite stanza has to be the first.
"A wallflower. That's what she was.
Delicate, fragile, and
Soft.
And I... I was a white heather.
Small, quiet, often unnoticed,
But always there, watching,
Guarding."
It really sets up the rest of the poem for more depth. I think that this first stanza is amazing. I like how you portray the different personalities to different flowers, and how people change. You send a nice image through the words of your poem.
Great job, and keep writing!
~Rainn
Hi there! Gsp here.
This is a really nice poem. It's understandable and rather moving, and I really enjoyed the style you used. I only have one or two things to mention. (Just so you know, I do NOT specialize in poetry at all so all of this might actually be entirely wrong, so keep that in mind).
The word "soft" should probably be on the line above it. It doesn't match up to the rest of the poem and kind of breaks up the flow.
This part looks forced compared to the rest of the poem.
I think you meant "as the winds grew stronger" here.
Maybe change that top line to "That allows me to feel nothing but" rather than only allows me. The only is kind of unnecessary.
ALRIGHT, now that the criticism is done we'll move to the stuff that I liked.
I really like this part here. You describe the relationship very well in a short amount of time.
I think this is my favorite part of the entire poem. "With scars staining", especially. Beautifully written.
And... yes! In conclusion, the poem is very well written and captures the story perfectly. I understood what was going on and I don't think I've ever seen the flower metaphor like this before.
Keep on writing!
Edit: ACK! I didn't realize <quote> didn't work anymore... T_T Meh. I'll leave it as is. Not as elegant looking as I'd hoped but... oh well.
Edit 2: Okay, I was using the wrong thing. Fixed it.