I see you as this is read.
Don't believe me?
I see you're a skeptic.
Still not convinced?
You're being nonchalant.
Thinking that this is dumb?
Everyone does.
Getting a creeping suspicion?
I'm near.
Looking around for something, yet nothing?
Getting warmer.
Got a mirror?
There I am.
Am I you?
I am me.
Are you me?
Then I am you.
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
Now that I read this, I have the urge to go look in the mirror. And at the same time, I'm afraid of doing so.
This poem had a very mysterious feeling.
This lines were a little bit confusing, but that's what you wanted, right? It isn't supposed to just make sense, you're supposed to have to think about it. And I am thinking now. I like poems that make me think.Thank you, it's always nice to hear words of encouragement.
I got the sense that my "evil side" was speaking to me when I was reading this. Felt that it was kind of a "dark and twisty" type of poem, very mysterious and kind of an eye opener (the part where it says that we're skeptics)! Very well written
xxx
I see what you're saying, and I know exactly what you mean by this being "wishywashy". This was just something that popped into my head the other day, and after I wrote it down I just looked at it, longing for something more, but not sure what to change without having to change the entire thing. Thank you for your insight though, it's very encouraging to know that this isn't terrible.
I like the idea of this -- the sudden and abrupt reversal from 'you' to 'me,' and from 'us' to 'I.' Not only do you switch perspectives, you completely jump from a broader (if still limited) point of view to a singular point of view. It made me think of those tricks where someone lines themselves up with a mirror in such a way that you physically see only half of someone's face, but when added to the reflection, it completes the whole.
Unfortunately, the execution doesn't live up to the concept. It's jumpy -- which I like -- but not in an evocative way. It doesn't feel chaotic so much as uncertain, and that does the poem a disservice; it just feels sort of wishywashy. What you need is more imagery.
The second person is an incredibly difficult voice to master, but once you've done it, it can be unbelievably powerful, especially when exercised in poetry, which by the very nature of its brevity is more powerful than prose. Right now you just have someone talking to someone else/themselves; if you added imagery to evoke more senses, I think this would be a lot stronger.
Also, just as a personal preference, I really dislike the use of the word 'dumb.' It sounds childish.