Young Writers Society

Hey Tue,

So this poem was rather underwhelming after the last one I reviewed. I think the rhyming really messed with the flow of the poem and the refrain is a bit long to be effective. If you had a shorter refrain and less of a preachy poem you'd probably have a better result. What I did like was that you had narrative in the poem. That was nice to see.

You need to work on making your narrative a bit more clear though. When you end up using words to create a rhyme, they don't always fit into the narrative and it makes it difficult to do both, so I'd suggest you cut out the rhyming and work with the narrative of the poem to create a story. Refrain is also another hard thing to get right because repeating things in poetry is difficult to do without becoming boring. Repetition in poetry in general is shunned because poetry is about conserving words and using the same ones again means that those words have to absorb a new meaning. You can do that by writing a refrain that changes slightly, like the words change but the meaning remains the same, or you can do that by writing a refrain that has multiple meanings. That's easiest to do with a bit of practice writing the refrain into the poem.

Writing villanelles can be great practice for that. Here's an article about those, and another one about writing rhymes.

Poetic Forms: The Villanelle
Rhyme...all the time!

Hopefully those help answer any questions you might have about this type of device for poetry.
-Aley

Lol your poem mad me sad.......so did he just die on the spot??

Here for Team Wizard!

This poem is so very sad! There wasn't I mistake I could tell from, well I think so. I liked how you kept on repeating the same paragraph at the end of every stanza. I couldn't see any mistake, but just to be sure. Let's review the two major things in poetry writing.

1) Feelings: I could tell the main character was having all sorts of mixed feelings, and this was a great thing too. You told a point from both, the man, and the main character. Also you showed many different perspectives of this situation. This poem was just awesome when it came to feelings. Anyways next major thing.

2) Wording: Your wording was exact. I loved the way you phrased everything, and the way you put it. You have an expertise when it comes to this kind of stuff. But besides all of that your poem was awesome in wording too!

I hope your really proud of yourself, and I hope you keep on writing more poems like this one. Have an awesome week, and may you find a four-leaf clover!!!

~Laelle

Hey there again, Tuesday! I assume your old user was CapitalMonday since I see that in the comment section below. This was a very odd poem, but I liked it. The last four lines being in every stanza showed great importance, and I think it heavily impacted your poem. I believe this poem is about an entrepreneur who simply cannot sell his object and/or product, and so he seems rather depressed about it. In the last stanza, the man does not truly die, but instead turns down the offer to buy the product. I liked this idea because of the originality and the way you used a person that I've never really seen used in poetry before, and it was quite a cool poem, if I don't say so myself.
Leading my angry became to swell.-This line, however, I was confused on. I think you meant to phrase it like "Leading my anger became to swell" but maybe I'm just really bad at reading poetry and can't read things differently than the way I think it should be said. I don't think this is necessarily something that has to be "fixed," though.
Other than that little line right there, the idea was very clear. I liked the purpose of this poem and it was an interesting take on things. Well done! ~Prez. T

Oh my gosh. That is such an amazing poem! I think the repetition of the last four lines makes the poem very strong. I also like the rhyme pattern, and how you weren't afraid to just not rhyme, like in the last stanza where "coming" and "running" only slightly rhyme and "smile" and "died" don't rhyme at all.
I can really imagine this happening, your words are very clear and precise.
I also like your use of the word "ain't", because sometimes ain't just needs to be used.

Hi, I'm here to attempt to review this magnificent piece of poetry you have written. (I don't review poetry very well...)

Okay! Now, first of all, I loved the imagery you placed into the poem, but keeping the storyline and all the rhymes.
It was splendidly written, and I enjoyed the repitition of the man's words.

The only thing that kind of irked me was just one word, and that's really all.

Also that could be more of hating,
Since life is like honey.

Hello!

I'm going to break down the first stanza and tell you what I personally thought about it.

I was sitting in town, feeding the birds.
Nice first line. It tells me where your character is and what they're doing. After reading the first line, I wanted to know why your character was in town, feeding birds. You explained well throughout the poem.

I heard a man sighing and weeping,
I remember his words,
These lines get straight intno the story. I don't have much else to say about it, I just want to read on! :p

As he began leaping.
Is there another word you could use instead of leaping? Also, you say that you 'heard' and you can't hear a person leap. You can only see them leap. I think this is the only line in the poem that needs to be changed, it doesn't flow too well.

The object ain’t selling and the job isn’t working,
The idea will dwindle and my ego will fade,
My pleasures will disappear and it will be hurting,
And I will always be afraid.
The man's words are pretty well written. You tell me his story, that his job isn't working out, and how he's feeling about it. My only nitpick is in the third line. What is 'it'? I suggest you put a name there.

There you go! I hope I helped a bit.