Exhausted, she rests against your chest,
fickle muscles unaware of their own confusion.
Beneath your weary composure lies the raging battle
of breath against body, sense against delusion.
The hand of the angel brushes your neck -
to heighten the excitement, to lower the lights -
the angel that berates the mind and elates the senses,
and in her own time, no more than a score,
she'll be the angel that makes you her lord.
In a sweep of her hand, the light returns,
from a white lamp beside the bed.
And as the angel's hand flees the glow,
she holds you at her beck.
With her touch, the hunger is filled, her lip's
soft grace upon your forehead, and
hesitation is lost, and thoughts parried away
of whether you are the angel instead.
((This is one of the first poems I've ever written in full, and was unsure of whether it fits into any of the main categories. Hope you understand it. xD))
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The reason for the idea is to portray the 'angel' as not being the real angel. The angel is a figment of the voice's imagination, and attributed to his partner by himself. The angel's hand fleeing the light would be a falsity by most reader's standards, and in turn labels falsity upon the 'angel' on the whole. Does that make sense?
I addressed the 'beck' term earlier. It's a short-form of 'beckoning', as in "at your beck and call..."
Thanks for the comments!
Would it be weird to describe this poem as poetic? It was, I thought it had a nice flow and rhythm about it. I had to read it a couple of times, though, to fully understand it. Great word choice, also. Overall, I didn’t have a lot of complaints.
"In a sweep of her hand, the light returns,
from a white lamp beside the bed.
And as the angel's hand flees the glow,
she holds you at her beck."
Why would an Angel's hand flee from light? I don't think the word "flee" was right for this context. Also, beck? Should I know what means?
Thanks for the additional feedback.
Warrior Princess - I have decided to remove those lines for those reasons. You were absolutely spot on. Thanks again.
Does anyone think I could expand upon this poem, maybe into something more storylike? Or is it a good length as is?
I loved this. You made the girl so ethereal, and yet so real, I kind of wanted her myself.
It was beautifully written and handled a kind of steamy subject very gracefully. EXCEPT. Except for one little part. . . .
NO. No, no, no. Okay, so I'm being a little over-dramtic here, but this part just made me cringe; I'm not gonna lie. The rest of it is so lovely and so dream-like, but this one part reverts to something resembling the jokes we are all too used to hearing in high school. It's pretty funny, but this is not meant to be a funny poem. If anything, it is very serious. If you must employ the idea presented in these two lines (which I wouldn't advise; it's a little too . . . oh, what's the word . . . vulgar for the overall concept), then I'd strongly suggest changing the wording. Make it something that flows with the rest of the poem, something more delicate.
But on the whole, this piece is really great, and I look forward to reading more of your works in the future.
~Warrior Princess
I agree with others. The last couple of the lines were the best out of the whole. There wasn't really much to review, so I'm sorry ): . You're really talented and this was good for your first poem.
-lilgreedots <3
I really liked this, especially the last line:
This being one of your first poem, you are definitely a talented writer! Keep writing!
Brandi
I really love this poem; especially "the hand of an angel" and "she'll be the angel that makes you her lord."
Just one grammar note:
This should not be "lip's." It should be "lips", because it is not "her lip is soft grace,"--though I suppose that might work, except then you'd have to say "her lips are soft grace"...but I don't think that's what you were trying to get across. Anyway.
This is really lovely. I also loved:
(Though I do think you could un-capitalize "Hesitation" because it's a continuation of your previous sentence.) But that's really a great line. Really well done!
Thank you for sharing!
Wow, this is really an amazing piece of poetry.
Its different and powerful and gave a strong use of imagery. I felt like i was just watching the character while this was taking place. It made me smile.
I think you have a real talent for this and you should continued trying this aspect of work as I would seriously love to read more.
Thank you both. In response to you, DragonLADY (nice name, by the way), the word 'beck' is as I wrote, as a common short form of 'beckon', or in this case, 'beckoning'.
Thanks for the feedback!
I wrote it because, firstly, I'm in a dark place romantically, and secondly, it would be rude to turn up to YWS without some form of contribution.
Beautifully penned (or typed).
Your actual language (as in structure and word choice) is wonderfully executed. The rhythm feels a bit off to me at the very beginning, but slowly unfolds and really begins to flow later. Your stanza and lines are really nice after the second stanza on especially. Your conclusion has an excellent sense of finality, and really holds together the piece as a whole. Great job.
Sorry this isn't a great review- but I really look forward to reading more from you, especially if this was one of the first poems that you've completed. Excellent job.
-Coral-
This is a gorgeous use of words. There was on part where you wrote,
Is this supposed to be "back" or "neck," or neither? For being one of your first poems, you certainly are talented! You're correct; it doesn't seem to fit into any of the other categories, but that's all right; categories are limiting.I think my favorite passage is That truly is memorable.
For gaw's sake, KEEP WRITING! If this is your first, I can't wait to see where you go in the future!