The Stars

Hi big brother!!!!!!!!!!!!

static glimmers too far

whats a static glimmer?

to reach for - to hold

loves!

'tween aspiration and disbelief.

oo-er. Sorry Zan! xD Didn't notice your review til after the 14th edit! Been busy working on the structure, because I knew the rhythm was awfully shakey to begin with, and I thought condensing and simplifying a bit might help the flow, even if needing a little reduction in punctuation. Thank you anyway for your constructive advice. Although the whole poem has probably changed since you reviewed, I think it's worth you having another look at, and heck, it's another review on your tally, isn't it?

@Persephoneia - Thank you! Your suggestions have been implemented (for the most part), because they are good ones. I really appreciate it!

I think I'm done editing it, for now at least, so don't worry about me changing it whilst you're writing a review - if you write one, that is! xD

Brilliant. I don't need to correct you on anything right now, that was fantastic.
It did remind me of Edgar Allen Poe a bit, in a good way, similar flow, great pace, sombre, sullen feel and utterly brilliant!
Well done! I loved this!

Keep writing and don't you dare stop!

*edit* *You changed your poem while I was writing this review, ha! Okay I'll add the other stanza to the quote, but I won't write anything on it, though I realize the new stanza probably doesn't account for all the changes you've made.*


This is my first time reviewing by editing into a quote in red, so bare with me. "~~" indicate the start of a thought, "~" indicate the continuation of a thought from the previous line. If I don't have room for a full thought on one line, I'll continue to the next, pushing the next line of the poem down.
Furthermore,
If you don't think you can handle my criticism, then don't read my review. I'm simply giving you an idea of what I think could be improved in the poem. And keep in mind that there is a very big different between "terrible" and "needs work." Everything "needs work," and nothing's perfect. "Terrible" is either when you put no effort forward, or the person sayin it is looking to offend somebody. Every piece with effort behind it has value when it comes to reviewing. Here's my advice:

The lights at night, ~~ While I like how you try and keep to six lines per stanza, for this poem,
static glimmers too far ~ and this stanza in particular, the symetry in the number of lines simply hinders
to reach for - to hold ~ your descriptions and makes your sentences weak and hard to follow.
like amibitions once ~ I recommend only switching lines with every comma and sentence to make it easier to read.
fought for; the values ~ Seperating the stanzas into six lines takes from the poem most of its rhythm and makes
of a soul no more. ~ the reader re-read many of the crucial descriptions. As a result, through the entire poem, the meanings of your sentences are hard to understand and beyond the point of facination.

Once inspiring, twice depressing;
my heart beats as it sinks
through thoughtless clouds below -
an unfaltering shroud
of misplaced faith, 'tween
aspiration and disbelief.

The lanterns in the darkness, ~ This is a good example of a description that is easy to understand, has good
the glittering hopes ~ imagry and sticks with the reader. Reason: line ends with comma.
still dying - still crying ~ I really like this one, but I again would really like to see it without the break after
for the lost dreams - ~ "still crying" since is breaks up the meaning.
for the lonely, forgotten ~~ Same thing here.
ideas of the broken.

The stars of our mind, ~~ This should be a particularly powerful description, but at this point I found myself confused at what the poem was talking about altogether, so it didn't stick with me
the most minute of humanity's ~~ No new line.
longing for understanding - ~~ Now, if you could do do this with the "-"s in the 3rd and 4th lines of last stanza, they
are fading into darkness - ~ would feel much more effective.
of tyranny, and opression;
'tis the mighty's resolution ~~ Dispite all the breaks in the senence, this is probably the clearest sentence in the
to seize power, to rule all ~ poem, though I had trouble connecting it with the rest of the poem.
as the moon to our dreams, ~~ I thought I understood what you meant here, but its unclear. But good imagry.
as our dreams to the stars,
as the dead of the night ~~ This is the most important line and is built up to really well, but the break in the
to the chill in our hearts. ~ thought makes it less effective. I still found it very powerful, so I'd love to see how well it comes across without the break.

Awesome job. Love the way you portrayed the fact that no matter how much you long for the stars, you can never get close to them.

Beautiful piece- however, I do have a little bit to say about how you could improve it.

The lights at night, The phrasing here is a little too unoriginal for more, and I think it really needs to be stronger, especially if it's going to be your opening one.
static glimmers too far Love the phrase "static glimmers"
to reach for - to hold
like amibitions once
fought for; the values
of a soul no more.

The lanterns in the darkness, Really nice imagery here.
the glittering hopes "Glittering" gets used a lot with stars. I think it'd be nice to see some other imagery here instead. I know you're capable, and I think it'd add a lot.
still dying - still crying
for the lost dreams -
for the lonely, forgotten
ideas of the broken.

The stars of our mind, So you've now changed the stars from physical to mental/emotional? I think that in order to switch the location of all this imagery, you could make the parts before match that better. For example, "night" really seemed to set a location. Instead of "night", maybe you could make a small change like "dark" or something. The word "night" carries other images with it, that make this transition a bit harder. Also, I would emphasize this line; as of now, it gets kind of lost in all your other stuff, and doesn't hit as hard and change all that could.
the most minute of humanity's Really like the word "minute" here, don't know why.
longing for understanding -
are fading into darkness - The last three lines added together fit together a bit awkwardly. I don't know if "are" should be "is" (I don't think that's the problem, the stars are plural after all) or is "longing" needs to be plural but... I think that something might be off grammatically. Just can't figure out what it is. Sorry. :/
of tyranny, and opression;
'tis the mighty's resolution
to seize power, to rule all
as the moon to our dreams,
as our dreams to the stars,
as the dead of the night The segway from "to rule all" to your small list feels really weird to me. It's kind of stilted and awkward, and could be much smoother. Also, three lines starting with "as" usually isn't a good thing. I'm very guilty of repeating line-starters, and it's a habit I've been trying to break.


to the chill in our hearts.

It reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe's 'Alone'.