A rather sentient puddle

I like this a lot! It's got good imagery, and I really liked the personification of the 'sentient puddle'. In some areas I felt rather confused, and had to re-read to clear things up, but overall it was quite an enjoyable read.

eldermimmi wrote:Once upon an afternoon,
I decided to take a stroll;
to take a break and clear my thoughts
for they were really rather muddled. I think you should take out the 'really'. It clutters it.

I took the main path, past the lake,
weaving through blurry cyclists and drizzle,
when all of a sudden, I heard a voice -
it was a rather sentient puddle.

It chirped up a hearty "Hello!"
to which I was amazed;
I could feel the puddle 'staring' at me
through its still, watery glaze.


"You look confused, my sodden friend.
You seem to feel despair. I could feel it
when I tumbled down, and landed on your hair." This stanza confused me. I had to read it several times to figure out who was talking, and then that the puddle, had been rain, on his hair before.

I scratched my head, and asked the puddle
how it knew this to be true, to which it said
"I'm a puddle, not a psychic. You're cold to my own view. How is the puddle cold to his view?

"I think you think you don't fit in, "I think you think", is rather difficult to read. Maybe just try "Perhaps you think" instead, or replace one of the 'thinks' with another word.
but that just can not be. "cannot" is one word.
We can all be what we want to be,
now have a look at me.

"I woke up this morning thinking You should have quatation marks at the beginning of this stanza and the next, so we know the puddle is still talking.
that I would never fit in,
but look at this incredible, remarkable hole
that I've found to sit in. In this, I like "I have" better then "I've", personally.

It fits me well, staggeringly well;
it even hugs my curves.
I think I've found my place in life,
now you should go find yours." LOVE this!!! My favorite stanza.


I thanked the puddle for its thoughts,
and continued on my way,
and took to heart its solemn words,
and let them light my day, Too many of the lines start with 'and'. Maybe try "I thanked the puddle for its thoughts, continuing on my way, and taking to heart its solemn words, I let them light my day."

for the sentient puddle was right:
the hole did indeed fit it perfectly,
so I guessed I had to just go with the flow, 'Guessed' should be 'guess'.
to see where it would take me,
and maybe, just maybe, there would be I dislike the repeat of 'just maybe,' try something else.
a puddle-sized hole, just big enough for me. This last stanza kind of broke the flow. It was harder to read and less 'pretty'. Maybe try rewording some of it?

I really like this poem, first of all. I want to say that it is important to even out your punctuation. At the end of some lines, you use a comma, period, or question mark. But in others, you don't. I would recommend that you pick whether you want to use punctuation or no punctuation. If it's uneven, the poem looks like it is incomplete or uneven.

Another one of my personal preferences is not to use "and" and "but" at the beginning of a line. I was taught in elementary school to not start a sentence with those words, so it seems, to me, sort of juvenile, to start the line with those words. Just an opinion and/or suggestion. I don't mean to offend you!

I really love your writing style and your words flow really well together. I hope to see more poems out of you. Keep writing!!!

~Fortiii