Land of the Free

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

As others have said, when posting a poem like this, especially on YWS, be prepared to back it up. YWS is, in majority, populated by Americans and even the creator is American. I'm not American, but I've loads of friends and family down south. I think, perhaps, you aren't much educated about the States. They have a really bad stereotype, but a lot of stereotypes are harsh, strong and lies. They are constantly eyed critically by the world because they hold so much universal power over commerce and international affairs. Just think, the resident of the USA are all descendants of Brits, the French. All sorts of different European and South American ethnic groups. I find this a harsh way to talk about the Americans. I realise you mean not to attack all Americans, but just be aware

Well written.

Lavvi

To Misstoria who said 'Just because we have a black president, doesn't mean we like him':

Hon, speak for yourself. He wouldn't have won the vote if he wasn't liked.

~Jas

Thanks!

I'm from America and i actually like this. It has great emotion and it does frame america. Even thiugh we have a black president doesn't mean we like him. I like it.

Thank you! I'll PM you if I ever get a chance/ the motivation to expand on this.

I would review this, but you need more. I really couldn't careless about the subject matter, I slander my country's name because of its hypocrisy and the people at the top that are all too happy to sell everyone down low to the highest, regardless of ideology or party affiliation. As of now though, this is a trite, brisk, derogatory utterance that lacks artistic flourish.

Now mind you, I don't think it's hurtful (other may, great!). It's an attempt at art and art is not always nice, heck no, it's supposed to put you on edge and it's supposed to open your mind. How? Not up to me to say. You can't define art. But, I can tell you this is not it. It's an exercise if anything, but not a complete draft even. I encourage you to finish this and contact me in the future as I love satire and criticism in work.

FWIW, I love cuss words and explicitness in art.

Thank you! Well, the use of the word "faggot" was to symbolise the extreme homophobia I've encountered in America, and how gay rights aren't what they should be. I put it there really to get that point across. And all my capitalization or lack thereof was intentional. When analysed, it would make sense.

But thank you for your suggestions. I realise, of course that this is a huge generalization and there's much I don't know about America. I realise that most of the people there are lovely, and the country itself has many, many excellent aspects. I mean, just look at you American YWSers! I love you all dearly. I'll take everything you said into consideration, though. Thanks!

Hello again, got an idea, maybe for the first line you could say-

Welcome to the land of the free
(don't ask, don't tell)

You know, just something a little more relevant, Im going to shut up now.

Hmm...first of all I did like the poem as a work of poetry, though...maybe you should spend more time in America that isn't spent on "holiday" before you actually form an opinion.

Welcome to the land of the free,
(faggot) this is true
where the girls are beautiful and the boys are
(killers) ?
lovely as the dawn; or the colours
(white, white, white) our President is black, and have you ever watched an episode of MTV cribs? liberal Europeans
red white and blue.
The home of the brave.
(out of sight, out of mind) again ?
The pride of the
(money makes the) most Americans could give a shit about money, its the top 5% that steal from everybody and cause the problemsworld. go around, boy. capitalize "go"-you capitalize after a period


this land is yours thanks so much.

I actually did like the poem, and it's a good idea, but you should study the real ironics of America, like the co-opting of the American dream and the spoiling of it-or how if it wasn't for Americans about 70 years ago the British might be speaking German right now and wearing brown uniforms...

Again, I liked the poem, I just get really sick of the reception this country gets around the world when we do things like give a billion dollars to Haiti (when we have no money to give) while the rest of the world combined gives another billion dollars.

Liked the poem though-thanks for not mentioning Bush, that must've been hard.

Thank you all very much!

This was very....I guess the best word to use would probably be honest. I like how it speaks to me. It's easy to relate to, well to understand anyway. I think that this has very raw emotion barely contained. I like, well I can't say like, but I understand what your saying. I guess all that I'm trying to say is that the concept was easy to see. I like this. It was very good.

Hey, I'm not American so personally I wasn't really offended by this poem. This is a poem not an essay no back up is needed, poems are here to express anything the writer wants them to. I quite like what you did how it worked without the it worked with or without the inserts. I think your saying something very important about society in general ( not just American )that behind the friendly smiles there is something dark. That there is still inequality behind the guise of equality. We have the same problems in Australia.

American need to understand they stand for all of this. The American flag is a symbol of capitalism, freedom and western society. The will stand for all that is good and all that is bad. It's not an attack on you but a reflection on society in general, a society that American represents, a i believe likes to represent.

lovely as the dawn;

go around, boy.

i think this was good, (americans dont kill me)
because it was sincere and although it was kinda talking about the minority of the population
i think you expressed your thoughts really good (:

Thanks. Of course, I realise this was a harsh generalization of America. I didn't mean any offense to your American people. I was just generalising how some- not all, not most, not many, but just some- people act, and how much of society is corrupted. Like most free verse poems,The spacing and punctuation must really be analysed to be understood.

This poem was really more of an attack on the racist skinheads who claim to be patriotic that I've met. Of course, for every one of them, there are a good 100 lovely, charming, and polite Americans.

But I agree, this poem needs expansion to get my point across. Thank you for making those very legitimate points!

I'll have to do a lot of rewriting .

-Tori

Hi!

If you want to write a poem about why you don't like America, that's fine, but just be prepared to back it up. As poetry, this falls short because you don't exactly present any images or add any substance -- we're just supposed to figure out what the words mean. I'm not trying to say that I live in a perfect country. I recognize that are a lot of things wrong with our government, and I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. But another problem I have is that this generalizes too much -- we're not all like this. Every country has their fair share of good things and bad things. Right now, you're reaching out to everyone who isn't American. If you expand on this a bit more, you can make this a poem that really reaches out to the problems all of us recognize are occurring and together it can be a poem everyone can relate to and appreciate.

Let me address some of your individual points and then I'll sum up how you can do this as a whole --

(white, white, white)

(money makes the)