So, I do not write love poems or love-related poems or anything of the sort. But I just had to get this out there; because it is a vision that's been possessing me and I have to write it out. Anyway. I apologise for the crapola in advance.
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Yes, they would stare
as we walk, hand in hand, on the matted black polyester.
And we would sit in the back.
The last row. You wouldn't mind; because
it's ours alone.
The light would stream out from above us
a golden column, catching dust.
You would put an arm around me; awkwardly.
But eventually we'd melt together.
Soft curves fit each other nicely.
And at some point, while the lights flash in front of us
our cheeks would touch, radiating warmth.
There will be words in the air; but they will be meaningless.
A turn of face, a lifted chin.
A kiss; the sun.
As the credits roll, you will keep your arm around me
and then we will walk back out into the blinding fluorescence;
hand in hand.
They will laugh, they will stare
and we will giggle like schoolgirls.
Warmth is only natural.
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139,657 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hi, Tori, I just want to say right now that I haven't done a good review in a while and I am trying to get back into the zone. This may not be the absolute best review I have done.
I really liked this, because, though it was a bit cliche, you conveyed the 'teen romance' in a new light. I also liked how, though I didn't know your characters individual, I got a really good picture of the average teen couple. Does that make sense? I liked the whole message of this poem as well. A girl and a boy, her are pretty innocent and who don't care what people think of them as long as they have each other. It is short and sweet.
Your grammar is pretty good and I didn't notice very many mistakes. But in the beginning of the poem you say 'would', but at the end of the poem you say 'will'. It just seems a little off to me.
Another thing I didn't really like was the last line. It just didn't seem to sum things up for me. It almost seemed disconnected from the rest of the poem. Or more like after I read it I thought there should be more. If I was you I would leave it at the school girls part, but this is really just an opinion.
Yep, Above is my really horrible review that didn't help anyone at all.
A. S.
Yeah, that's most of the message I was trying to convey. Thanks!
Hi! I liked this piece a lot it definitely showed a different style and topic/opinion. I'm just going to recap real quick on what you wrote and what I understood and got from it because that always helps me when I'm writing especially when I'm writing poetry. So this couple loves each other and all that, there are peope that stare and look at them but they hold their heads up and look past them, then in the end it's like how human beings are social creatures and want warmth/love/happiness
Okay so if that's what you were trying to say I definitely got it, and with my little recap don't take offense your poem was really poetic and flowed nicely. Wow sorry I'm kind of babbling right now
So to end my lame review I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed this poem, it created a sort of new lense for me to look through when I look at couples. Great job! Sorry for the random opinions I'll look for more of your work!
Peace,
Snickerdooly