In the field
Lie with me for a bit, in this field of flowers
Lie to me for a bit, that we aren’t any older
By your side, I feel hedonic happiness
Die with me for a bit, as we rest our eyes before the sun rests
Dye your world with me, in this sunset’s marigold orange
Cotton Candy
Sweet and fleeting is your smile
Strands of amber hair like cotton silk
Melting my heart like sugar under candles
Light and fluffy is your personality
Comforting me when I’m sad
Wondering is my gaze
As I see you
So quickly
Fa d ing…
A w
a
y…
Just as magically as you’ve appeared in my hand
As Magically you disappeared in morning dew
purple clouds
i cease to think
like these wisping clouds under setting sunlight
that whimsically dance and disperse when gusts of eminent dusk come
i seize your words
as they fade into echoed whispers in the night
mildly ebbing back to the ocean as waves that recede into deep trenches
i release my soul
into this thin air of ocean scent and twilight
making my body bathe and drown in slowly falling starlight
i feel as if i’m on cloud nine
when i see all these colors clash and crepuscularly conjoin
into violent chaos as clouds reflect the sky’s violet hues
Sorbet Rainbow
The sun sets again on another accomplished day
Tired aren’t we, let’s rest by this tree’s sturdy trunk
Become a silhouette worthy of being cover art
And stare off into the horizon as a rainbow appears
Not a rainbow that shimmers after darkness of rain
But a rainbow that sparks one last time in dimming light
Red, orange, yellow, purple, pink
My very own rainbow
A haze of colors that signal
Deep nights of starry skies to come
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hop here with a review. Please excuse my yapping and why this review is so long is mainly that. But let's get into the review ~~~~
Okay so first off this collection is like woah. Like actually woah. It feels like walking through a dream with your eyes half open and your heart half broken but in a soft way not a dramatic way. You’ve got this really gentle voice that carries through all the poems and it makes the whole thing feel like one long breath. Like a sigh at sunset or maybe like watching clouds melt into each other hile you’re lying in grass and thinking about someone you miss.
“In the field” is such a strong opener. The way you play with “Lie with me” and “Lie to me” is emotional. It’s like you’re asking for comfort. That line “By your side I feel hedonc happiness” is a little fancy sounding compared to the rest but it kinda works. It’s like the speaker is tryna to name something they don’t fully understand. Then “Die with me for a bit” hits like hard. Not in a scary way just in a surrender to the moment kind of way. And “Dye your world with me” is just lovely. That line stuck with me fr because like it just idk bro ToT
“Cotton Candy” is soft and sad and magical at the same time ebcecuase it paints a beautiful image. “Strands of amber hair like cotton silk” is such a BEAUTIFUL line. The way you spaced out “Fa d ing… A w a y…” is really COol because like it is just super creative and definitely outisde of the box :3 The last two lines are a little bit clunky tho in my opinion. Like “As Magically you disappeared in morning dew” might be smoother? Maybe “As magically as you disappeared” or something?? But honestly it’s fine it just adds to the charm. Like the speaker is trying to hold onto the words just like they’re trying to hold onto the persn.
“purple clouds” is more abstract and it works(i don't think i'm using abstact right o.O) “i release my soul into this thin air of ocean scent and twilight” are very poetic. There’s a typo in “gusts of eminent dusk” I think you meant “imminent” but honestly “eminent” kinda works too? The final image of clouds reflecting violet hues is very beautiful. It feels like a painting that’s also lullaby.
Across all four poems your voice is consistant(wait these are four poems right?) It’s gentle reflective and emotionally open(woah big vocabulary there, hop. feeling confident?). You’re like almost inviting the reader to feel something.Like to notice the way light hits a cloud or the way someone’s smile can melt you.
~I'm tired~
Stay amaing! Keep writing! And Happy Review Month!!!!
Love,
Tired Hop
(totally didn't go back and like get rid of all my cringy things ToT)
Hey tired hop, tired toast here!
Thabk you for your review and there werent as much tangents as you made there out to be.
Although.. I totally did write eminent instead of imminent and i forgot that those two were even seperate words lol
It might be because i was thinking of the anime %u201Ceminance in the shadows%u201D recently when i wrote that line
Hi Toast! I really like the way you have set out this poem, with each colour of the sunset having a different section. My favourite section is the first one, perhaps because it is shorter and tighter and I can see really clearly what you are showing me. I love the "Lie with me" and the "Lie to me" repetition. A silly thing to note, I misread "Dye" for "Dry" so I thought it said "Dry your world with me", which I also sort of like because it's like the sun is drying out something that has been made damp by effort exerted during the day. Just something interesting from my brain to yours!
In the Cotton Candy section, again there are some good images, though I am not sure about these lines: "Light and fluffy is your personality / Comforting me when I’m sad". I'm just having trouble seeing this, and it's not very specific. What aspects of their personality? I would be tempted to cut these lines to keep things tight and easy for the reader to see.
In Purple clouds, again I love the repetition of "cease" and "seize", and I love that you've used this device throughout the poem. One thing I notice is that the headings are capitalised differently so you may want to keep them consistent. In this line "mildly ebbing back to the ocean as waves that recede into deep trenches", I feel like ebbing is already mild so maybe you don't need the word "mildly" - again, just thinking of keeping things tight and examining every word to see if it's needed or if it's the best word to use. Sometimes less is more! Also "i feel as if i’m on cloud nine" - I think the rest of this stanza works to tell us that so maybe you don't need to say this.
And for the final stanza, again, I can see this really clearly. I'm not sure if you need to list the colours and I wonder if you could cut this and the next line, and say "But my very own rainbow that sparks..." and then finish with the last two lines.
In summary, I really like this poem and you do a great job of making me feel like I'm there with you! I'd just say examine each of your lines and words, find where you might be telling rather than showing, or saying more than you might need to, and keep things tight and specific to make it really powerful.
Hello, Toast! This is Alex and today I'll be reviewing this awesome poetry you wrote.
I'm speechless! It felt like I was right beside you as all these mesmerising scenes unfolded. The writing is so captivity, I could feel myself getting lost in these splendid colours. I specifically liked how the headings circled back to the colour they started with, like an endless loop signifying the timelessness of the beauty illustrated here. Without further yapping, let's jump in the review.
In the field
An excellent start with the use of homonyms! This section looked as if it's addressed to the reader, grabbing one's attention from the get go. I felt included in the narrator with this simple move you played, well thought.
Absolutely love the youth reminiscing tone here, as if the narrator wishes to relive the past with zeal, once again. The line's got a solemn tone, indicating that much more is going through the narrator's head but they choose to let out only this much. There's a lot to presume and read between the lines.
This was deep. Seems like the narrator has found serenity and wishes to live no more, knowing life doesn't get any better than this. There's wanting to die dejected and then there's this scenario, where you wanna depart at your highest. Absolutely stunning.
To paint yourself in the setting Sun's marigold colour is to admire its grandeur fully. Such a heartwarming idea! A small suggestion- I think changing 'in' --> 'to' would capture the meaning better. I'm assuming the sunset's marigold orange is the colour you're asking your companion to get their hair dyed to. A reminder that I'm no expert, so it's just some personal speculation and opinion. Only change it if you think it fits your vision for the poem. I'm certainly not any master in prepositions either, so it's completely plausible that you used it right and I'm just mistaken, in which case pay the advice no need.
Cotton Candy
Moving on, this was such an adorable personification. They really need to make cotton candies with smiley faces! They'd be so much more fun.
My favourite metaphor right here. A great choice of words!
I love the widening spaces to depict something fading away. It looks you're juggling here, like letters are your toys and you certainly how to play with them.
As amazing as these lines are, I noticed the tense to be a little muddled. I believe it can be changed to- 'You had appeared in my head/ just as magically you disappeared in morning dew'. While the repetitive use of just as in the beginning is a good idea on paper, it sounds strange and is not able to express the intended simile as well as one would want it to.
On the other hand, I love the elegance of cotton candy dissolving when morning dew falls on it, it's a surreal scenario. You used a logical occurance as a poetic tool, great job!
Purple clouds
Ooh, dancing clouds, I love it! Finding such humanised actions in the elements of nature is so very artistic of you.
Such a ravishing imagery! This part is my personal favourite. Flawless phrasing.
Sorbet Rainbow
This portion of the poetry was arguably, the most unique. It isn't talking about a typical rainbow that everyone is well aware of, but the blending array of colours in the sky at the hour of sunset, such a heavenly thought.
Maybe I'm just overthinking, but I sense a latent insecurity here. Seeing these marvels of nature, the narrator is suddenly aware of how his looks can't compete with nature at all. He's thinking of becoming a silhouette to become art worthy, as if he isn't worthy of art in his present mortal form. Just a small observation.
Undoubtedly, these lines must have come across as a surprise to the reader. I love how you made an unusual choice to call the sky of dusk a rainbow, going against what is typically expected. It shows how well you bend definitions without breaking them, and give you poetry and innovative edge with it.
Spectacular ending! You say it so as if this rainbow is a green right for night to come. It points to its vitality and role in the efficient functioning of nature. Like a lighthouse, without which boats and ships will fail to navigate successfully in the dark night.
All in all, this poetry had some appealing imagery I could find myself immersed into. The colours and scenes are surreal. Nature is really the greatest wonder to ever exist, and this poem perfectly depicts that. Commendable work, Toast! Thoroughly enjoyed it, hope to read more from you soon.
This is a pretty poem!
I am sorta tired right now, or else I would have left a review - but this is so beautiful that even its melancholic note kinda corroded my own, making me smile slightly. I appreciate this a lot, thanks a lot for this poem! Keep writing! :p
The Rebel