Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Far beyond the dense forest, across the rolling hills and unseen mountains, a sprawling city loomed on the horizon. It was a futuristic metropolis, towering with sleek, metallic skyscrapers, their neon lights piercing through the smog-laden sky. Holographic advertisements flickered across the night, casting eerie reflections off the steel surfaces. Massive factories lined the city's outskirts, their chimneys billowing thick, toxic smoke into the already polluted atmosphere. The structures were jagged, angular, and towering—steel and glass monstrosities that stood in defiance of nature. The hum of machinery was relentless, echoing across the vast expanse between the city and the wilderness. The faint glow of the city's lights barely reached here, casting an otherworldly aura in the distance, a stark contrast to the untamed wilds that surrounded it.
Yet, as far away as the city was, its influence seemed almost ghostly in the forest. Deep within this vast sea of trees, where civilization was an afterthought, stood an old house. In stark contrast to the sleek cityscape, the house was ancient, older even than the forest itself, or so it seemed.
Inside, the house mirrored its exterior: old, broken furniture cluttered the halls and various rooms. Most of the decorations were once expensive, admired by both commoners and the wealthy alike, but now they were mere relics of a long-past era. At the back of the house, a door led to a porch where three chairs were lined up side by side. In front of each seat, individual tables were positioned, and atop those tables lay three revolvers. The first two seats were already occupied by two gentlemen dressed in white robes.
The first man wore a pair of Windsor glasses, adding to his charismatic and charming appearance. A neat row of short white hair lined his jaw, complementing his neanimorphic face. His blue eyes gleamed like sapphires, expertly mined and carefully crafted to fit his sockets. His hands were marked with scars and cuts, evidence of a life spent in less-than-moral pursuits.
To the right of him sat a man with the biggest smile on his face. Between the two, he seemed the happiest. His long white hair covered his eyes, revealing only his almost foolishly wide grin. Both of his hands gripped the ends of the armrests so tightly that his fingers had turned from pale to red. His foolish smile revealed white teeth that seemed to glisten in the reflection of the water.
It had been more than an hour since they have been waiting. "It seems he is running a little late," said the first man, his voice deep yet calming. The man next to him nodded in agreement, still smiling. "So, while we wait, why don't we entertain ourselves with our stories?" the first man suggested, turning toward the second.
"Indeed," replied the second man as he met the first man's gaze. As he did, his long, milky hair shifted, revealing the eyes beneath.
"Martin. And you?" the second man asked, lifting his hand and pointing at the first.
"Jacob. Jacob de Labroria," replied the first man. Martin's expression changed slightly, the name sounding familiar to him. He had heard it before, but where was the question.
"You probably know me as the man responsible for wiping the Emrik nation off this planet," Jacob responded, almost proudly.
"Ah, now I remember who you are. It seems your reputation precedes you," Martin said, surprised. Jacob’s gaze lingered on Martin, cautiously awaiting the reason for his arrival. After a moment of silence, Martin finally spoke.
"Compared to you, I’m just a cog in the system—rusty and now being tossed aside, replaced by a newer one." Martin’s tone was peculiar, his voice rising with emphasis on the word "cog" before softening into a near-whisper when he said "replaced."
Jacob knew all too well what Martin was—a former leader used as a pawn in the war between the continent’s ruling nations. This wasn’t Jacob's first time seeing a once-powerful figure fall from grace. However, unlike others who often carried an air of bitterness and regret, Martin was different. He seemed almost happy—too happy. His curiosity piqued, Jacob asked, "Why are you so content, even after being cast down the ladder?"
"I never wanted to climb that ladder," Martin replied. "I was forced to by my peers, by those I once held dear." The word "dear" was laced with sorrow, though the smile on his face never wavered. He continued, "Back then, I climbed to please others. I turned myself into a clown, performing for their amusement, and in doing so, I lost sight of who I truly was. I became what others wanted me to be, not what I desired to become. So, the reason I smile now is because, in my final moments, I have finally broken free from those shackles. I will die on my terms, guided only by my own hands and mind." Martin’s face lit up as he spoke.
"Ah, a wonderful story with an even more wonderful conclusion," Jacob said. "Unfortunately for you, my tale is far less noble. I didn’t kill for revenge or out of righteousness during the war. No, my only motivation was curiosity—curiosity to see the faces of those who caused harm when they were met with fear themselves." Jacob turned to the vast trees surrounding them. "And most of all, I don’t regret any of it," he added, a small smile creeping across his face.
Martin remained silent, lost in thought. What Jacob had done could be seen as righteous by someone who didn’t truly know him. But were his actions righteous, or were they evil? Did intentions really matter? If an act that began and ended with wicked intent still produced a positive outcome for the world, would it matter to those who benefitted from it?
As if sensing Martin’s inner debate, Jacob spoke again, "In today’s world, where power can change anything, intentions become the only real truth. With a mere wave of a hand, lies can be turned into truths, and the voices of common men can be silenced. Intentions are the only thing that remains authentic. You may not always see it, but intentions are the truth. And the truth will always be the truth because it exists as the truth."
Martin raised an eyebrow and asked, "What’s the point of truth if it’s never revealed?"
Jacob’s smile grew broader, and the air around him shifted, becoming almost excited. "Well, the first question we need to ask is—do people even care about the truth?"
"What do you mean?" Martin asked, a hint of skepticism in his voice.
"If you give a poor person food and shelter, do they care about how you obtained it? Or do they care about why you’re giving it to them?"
"That’s true," Martin conceded, "but why even mention truth if it’s never going to matter?"
"Exactly," Jacob responded. "The truth won’t matter if the outcome outweighs everything else. No one questions the intentions of someone who donates money to charity. People fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. They don’t care how the wealth was acquired, only that it was given away. That is, until the cracks start to appear, and the falsehoods become clearer.”
“The people of this era seem desperate to escape from it,” Martin said, his voice carrying a heavy weight of realization. “Especially the common folk, who barely have enough to survive. Instead of facing reality and striving harder, they invest what little money and time they have into recreational technologies that offer them nothing but temporary pleasure.”
Martin’s face, at that moment, reflected admiration and respect for the man seated next to him. It wasn’t because Jacob was righteous, but because he had a deep understanding of the world’s current condition. Since his youth, Martin had been drawn to philosophy and abstract thinking, but society had always dismissed such pursuits as worthless. The memory of those days made his stomach churn. He despised the person he used to be, wishing he could bury that version of himself deep underground, far away from anyone’s discovery. Yet, Martin wasn’t the kind to run from reality. He had learned to confront it, no matter how painful.
Outside, the wind was growing stronger by the second. The sky darkened, and the air became thick with the smell of rain. Moments later, the downpour began, heavy and fast, pelting the porch’s roof in rapid succession. Rainwater soon found its way inside, soaking everything, including Jacob and Martin. Neither of them moved, not because they didn’t want to, but because they couldn’t. The slightest movement outside of their chair would earn them both a bullet to the head from the sniper hidden in the distant hills.
Behind them, the sound of crushing wood echoed through the house as another presence entered the room.
“Took you long enough,” Jacob said, not bothering to look back.
“Apologies,” a calm voice replied. “Had to say goodbye to the kids.” The man stepped forward and took his seat.
Curious, Martin glanced at the newcomer and nearly lost his composure. “Is it really you, Sir Brik? How… Why are you here with us?” Martin’s voice trembled in disbelief, his face pale with shock.
Brik nodded solemnly. “Yes, it’s me. And as Jacob likely guessed, I’m here because of my own choices—nothing more, nothing less.” Brik calmly lifted the revolver and placed the barrel against his forehead.
“No… none of this was your fault,” Martin stammered. “It was the corrupt officials—”
“The ones I chose to empower, Sir Martin,” Brik interrupted, his voice laced with regret. His eyes gleamed with a deep sadness as he pressed the revolver harder against his head, leaving a red mark on his pale skin. His expression was desperate—he had no desire to keep living. He wanted only to atone for his sins.
In the next moment, Jacob silently put the barrel of his own gun into his mouth. Martin was about to urge them both to stop when he noticed a red laser dot on his forehead—the sniper had him locked in.
“Damn it… so annoying,” Martin muttered under his breath before placing his own revolver to the side of his head.
“I, the breaker of the first code, atone for my sin,” Jacob declared just before pulling the trigger. His gun fired, and his body slumped lifelessly to the floor.
“I, the breaker of the sixty-fourth code, atone for my sin,” Martin said, his voice calm as his own gun went off. The bullet tore through his skull, passing straight into Jacob’s, their blood and brains splattering across the room.
Brik, shaking, raised his revolver one last time. “I, the sinner, atone for my sin—for breaking the universal law of trust.”
But before he could fire, a shot rang out from the mountains, piercing his skull cleanly. Brik’s lifeless body collapsed next to the others, leaving the room in eerie silence. One after another, men entered the old house, their footsteps echoing off the worn floorboards. They moved with practiced precision, carefully lifting the bodies from where they lay and wrapping them in thick, refined white cloth. There were six in total—five elite soldiers and one general, who quietly gave orders as they worked. Once the bodies were prepared, they were placed inside a massive steel vehicle. Despite its heavy, almost archaic appearance, the machine seemed to move as if by miracle, rumbling toward the distant city.
As the soldiers left, a second group arrived, this one composed of trained cleaners rather than combat elites. They worked with ruthless efficiency, scrubbing and wiping away every trace of the grim scene that had unfolded moments before. Amazingly, despite the fragility of the old wood, not a single plank gave way under their touch. In a matter of minutes, the house had been cleaned of all evidence, and the cleaners disappeared just as quickly as they had come.
Now, the old house stood alone once more, as if nothing had happened.
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Hello, My Friend!
It's been some time! Glad to see you're still putting up some great work too. Anyway, it's me, Raven, and I'd like to review the next chapter in this great story using my Familiar method! As a side note -you may notice a slightly different layout to the review this time. It's something to help me stay organized, but if you're not a fan, I can just as easily go back to the standard chaos you probably expect from me, haha. Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...
What The Black Eyes See...
WOW. This story was incredible! The conversation between the gentlemen hits so deep and keeps you thinking really hard about the meaning. Right, wrong, good, bad; it feels like a mix of everything, but more than anything, just sheer honesty. It feels like they're calling out the ills of their world in a way that's easy for an outsider to understand, while subtly pointing toward things to ponder in our own lives. And that chilling end just really put the icing on the cake for it all. Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
Not much to put here at all! As a matter of fact, for the story itself, I don't have any complaints! There's just one thing I noticed, that I believe Silver also brought up below me. Let’s break it down…
Rating: Not to be a downer, but given this story does deal in graphic descriptions toward the end, self-inflicted violence no less, I would recommend giving a little age warning -I'd say even just checking the 16+ box would work well enough.
That’s all! Great writing job ~
Why The Grin Widened...
Plot and Pacing: Great! You did an incredible job building this futuristic industrial world without overdoing or complicating it in terms of lore and detail. You chose words and metaphors that gave such a grim, almost dystopian undertones, and you can just feel a sense of corruption. Sure enough, that leads seamlessly into the introduction of the three men and their fascinating conversation, telling us a story within a story -and that spike of action in the end gives us a jolt, balancing the description-heavy, somewhat slow pacing toward the beginning. Absolutely brilliant!
Descriptions and Setting: AMAZING!! Your description of the city in the beginning, oh my gosh -so beautiful, I would dare say perfect! And the way you introduce the men sort of tells us about their characters already, making us question why they're out in these woods and if they're good, bad, or somewhere in the expansive gray space between.
Action: While there wasn't too much action in the story, I thought to include this section just for the latter half of the story. I found the soldiers' method of execution fascinating, and it makes you question the reason behind it. Perhaps by making them confess their sin, it's a form of humiliation? Perhaps by letting them be the ones to pull the trigger, it's a form of respect for their past service? Yet another one of many things this story leaves you to ponder about.
Characterization: I loved the similarities between the three men, how they all broke a code of sorts in acting toward a common goal that the elites clearly didn't like. But I also appreciated the differences and found them even more fascinating. Whereas Martin and Jacob are ready to die with pride, Brik seems to feel such shame for his mistakes that he doesn't even hesitate to grab the gun. A sad moment for his character, especially with the other two insisting that it wasn't his fault. In stark contrast, Martin seems the most calm and fearless, knowing he can die happy and content that he's no longer "a clown" for the higher-ups, and Jacob seems somewhere in between, unsure where he stands in the end. They may all be criminals in the eyes of the soldiers, but the reader can clearly see them as unique individual characters.
Grammar and Spelling: I didn't really catch anything in this regard, so good job! As a matter of fact, I loved your word choice in so many moments.
Reactions!:
This is a great example of what I meant by taking that description of a futuristic city and giving it a grim atmosphere. Honing in on that pollution and using words like "monstrosities" just really brought out the scene and set you up for a serious, hardcore story.
At first, I found this description unnerving. A creepy smile and an abnormal grip -I was wondering if this would go the route of horror for a second. But in hindsight, it feels like Martin is expressing anxiety for the next step (the firm grip) despite masking it (the foolish smile) and focusing on his impending freedom from the corrupt forces. And that just really struck me as eerie.
Gosh, it was hard to pick one line to put here! The whole conversation surrounding morality and intent was just amazing! Martin pointing out if anyone will question the intent and reason behind wealth -incredible, really makes you think, and so does this line above. This one leaves you thinking; indeed, if spoken lies and truths are blurred and no line can be drawn, what is left? Intent was a great answer on his behalf. Overall, the way you framed and wrote this deep philosophical sort of dialogue was very well done!
Loved this for an ending. So absolutely chilling.
Our
MadThoughts...Overall, I thought this was an incredible story. It feels like there's so much more that this world could offer, like this could even pass as a powerful story opening. And that's usually the mark of a great short story! Nicely done!
Wow, good to see you again, been busy with life and had no time for myself. Thank you for the very concise and very deep review of my story. I will try my best to be active again and write better stories.
Hello! I'm Silver, and I'll be reviewing your story today! :)
Wow- this is such a mysterious and compelling story, and I have a ton of questions in the good way. A couple of them could be answered without the story losing too much mystery, I think, with just a little more detail about the conflict these three men are paying for to provide some worldbuilding. Some things are better kept in the dark, in my opinion, like why the house is so quickly cleaned up by the military. There's a lot to weigh about which information to reveal and which to divulge, and with a slightly stronger balance between the two, I think the story would be even stronger. I think it's going to remain in my thoughts for quite a while, but it'd be even more satisfying to have some takeaways from it.
I also thought your title was very clever! Their manner, dialogue and general presentation clearly shows they are gentlemen, even though we learn from their bloody and vicious actions during the conflict that they really aren't very 'gentle' at all. Excellent pick!
The way you described setting was incredible, especially in that opening paragraph. It was very immersive and detailed, and the scenery itself appears to have a lot of character. Even though I don't know much about the world itself, which comes back to the mystery wrapping around the worldbuilding and lore, I still get a really good sense of what kind of reality the three characters are living in (that is to say, a very dismal, almost apocalyptic reality).
The relationship between the three characters makes me very curious, especially since the perspective is omniscient: somehow I feel like they know a lot about each other, but not as much as they should know at the same time. For the most part, it seems as though they're making a lot of assumptions on each other's parts. I'm left wondering why Martin recognizes Brik, but Jacob and Martin don't know each other directly. If they're being grouped together for this execution, how come they aren't all co-conspirators? It makes sense that we as readers only see their 'confessions' if they're not too familiar with the others, but the lack of familiarity is a little unexpected.
I have to say it is so interesting how they just know this- it's also the moment I guessed what was happening here.
This is sort of an aside, but if Jacob is slumped on the ground, how is Martin's bullet also hitting his head? It doesn't make much sense as a bullet trajectory. (An aside on an aside: I would recommend rating this story as either 16+/18+ for violence!)
The conclusion is so interesting- I can't seem to figure out what the reason for the sniper taking out Brik is, but that's a mystery I can live without knowing. The cleanup scene has a ton of implications. I interpreted it as the military getting it ready for another group of condemned people to be executed in, but it could just as well be a cover-up for deaths they don't want anyone to know happened, or a ton of other things. I think this is the part that intrigues me the most, and where a lot of the good lingering questions in my brain come from.
I'm looking forward to seeing more of your writing! I hope some of this was helpful, and that you're having a good time on YWS.
- Silver :)
Hi, I really want to thank you for the review. Honestly, I thought no one was going to read this, so I'm very grateful that you did and took the time to go through it. Since you read it, I%u2019d like to give you some background information.
The three "Gentlemen" are living legends in the current era, responsible for some great achievements. That%u2019s why they are being killed together, and also why they%u2019re given the option to take their own lives in such a ritualistic way. As you might have guessed from the intro, this is a cyberpunk-esque setting, so they use laser guns and advanced technologies. The government allowed these individuals to die by their own hands and with something the government didn%u2019t create%u2014like the revolvers, which are ancient relics used by the people from older times.
The reason Brik gets shot by the sniper is that he didn%u2019t die properly. He was supposed to repeat the law he broke, but he didn%u2019t do that. This led to the snipers, stationed afar in case of an escape or other attempts, taking action. The reason the military came in and cleaned up was because this is a sacred place where legends like them die in this manner, and although the government is corrupt, it respects the dead. So, they clean the area as a sign of respect. Again, I really thank you for the review, and I know I%u2019m asking for too much, but I would love for more people to read this work, which actually took me quite a long time to write. I%u2019d really appreciate it if you could recommend it to others or share it. Thank you.
Wow, thank you for the context! It's really enlightening and I was delighted to learn more. Reading this was super enjoyable, and you should be really proud of your work!!
Thank you.