Young Writers Society

Hi! What I liked about this story was it reminded me of R.L. Stone’s Goosebumps series of books. I devoured all of them. And loved them to bits!

Now, as for improvement, there is quite a bit of repetition of using the same words repeatedly to describe tense situations. ‘Apartment’ was used quite a bit. Instead, try dwelling. ‘Goosebumps’ was used several times. Try plugging in goosebumps into an online thesaurus and see all of the synonyms offered and then choose the best word you feel would work.

Take a second look. Comb through, and remove repetition. Good luck!

Hello, My Friend!

This was so cool! Following those gorgeous descriptions, I love the gradual change from someone admiring the gardens, and something typical like an asphalt street, before it turns into something brilliantly horrific. The blood, and the semi-sentience of it as it swallows him, was so chilling and created such a mysterious ending.

As far as a more technical review goes, I have nothing to recommend! The pacing, descriptions, and atmosphere were all just right. Great writing job ~

My favorite part would definitely have to be the manifestation of the blood, and Kiel being consumed by it. So cool! So creepy! Awesome work, there!

Overall, this was a brilliant example of scary flash fiction. Nicely done!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is quite the tale here. I really like how this flows here, just rather innocent and a very simple description to get us going but then the way it just gets gradually more suspicious and then that ending is really well done here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Kiel looked outside of his new rooms window, It hade been two days since he had moved into this house. He loved to look down at his backyard, the lush golden grass and the line of red roses to the side made it mesmerizing to look. But what bothered him was the old apartment building right by the side of the garden. The apartment was a three stories complex, it was consisted of red bricks and lush greens that grew on the walls and in the broken windows.

Kiel stared at the windows of the apartment, and reminiscent about yesterday, about that shadow figure that he saw last night. Just from thinking about it gave him goosebumps. Today he was on a mission, a mission to explore that apartment at night. He checked his blue bag to check the contents inside again, he filled the bag to the brim with essentials that he thought he would need, a flashlight, first aid and a lot of bandages.

After two hours the sun had set, and it was time for him to get out. With quit, and quick steps he was out of the house. Kiel than slowly walked toward the apartment, he tried to keep quite as he walked through the asphalt street.

About two minutes later he was in front of the shabby apartment. Kiel felt goosebumps rung through him as he inspected the apartment, the already cold air of the night become colder to him as he inhaled slowly, fearing that his breath might wake someone up.

Kiel turned on the flash light, and he went in. The lobby of the apartment reeked of a rank smell, and the whole floor seemed to creek from the slightest movement. Kiel while covering his face explored the lobby.

The lobby wasn't as big as he thought it was, the lobby was as big as his room. Kiel noticed the staircase that led to the upper floors, slowly he went up the stairs. Kiel noticed that the rank smell thickened the more he went up the stairs, and when he was in the second floor his nostrils were invaded by a metallic smell.

Kiel retrained himself from throwing up as his heart beat faster, harrowing imagination filled his mind as he explored the floor. The floor was a long hallway sided with doors that led to rooms, and in the end of the hallway he saw the stairs that led to the last floor.

The closer he got to the stairs the worse the smell became. When Kiel was in front of the stairs he noticed that he had stepped in something sticky. He looked down, and to his horror a pool of blood had covered the floor. A chilling scream went off in the apartment as Kiel fainted in the pool of blood.

The pool of blood then came to life and sucked him in slowly devouring his body into the floor.

Howdy, and belated welcome to the site! Hope you've had a great day thus far!

This was one well executed horror story! The conclusion with the pool of blood was bone chilling, and your descriptions were excellent, achieving one strange and unsettling atmosphere. I particularly liked lines like these:

It hade been two days since he had moved into this house. He loved to look down at his backyard, the lush golden grass and the line of red roses to the side made it mesmerizing to look.

the already cold air of the night become colder to him as he inhaled slowly

Kiel noticed that the rank smell thickened the more he went up the stairs, and when he was in the second floor his nostrils were invaded by a metallic smell.