Hello fellow writer!
This was such a touching and beautiful story. I absolutely loved the similes you used to describe things.
The wind traveled like a snake...
Yes, the descriptions are very well done!
So. There are a lot of long running sentences, like:
As he laid the cream in the outer layer of the bread with his finger, he reminiscent about the old times when the kitchen was filled with maids and servants, he remembered as they moved around like dry leaf's blown by the wind
Hmm... Maybe you could cut the sentence up, like this:
As he laid the cream in the outer layer of the bread with his finger, he reminiscent about the old times when the kitchen was filled with maids and servants. He remembered when they moved around like dry leaves blown by the wind.
There are also sentences that need pauses.
Benji while touching his back with his hand went into the hallway.
If you read it through without pausing, it sounds off. Try writing it this way:
Benji, while touching his back with his hand, went into the hallway.
You can replace the ,, with () or -- if you want.
This one too might need touching up:
shattered glasses, chipped wood and random pools of mud made up the floor of the hallway, Benji walked on them barefooted he made no sound as his numb feet came in contact with the floor.
Maybe it would make more sense this way:
Shattered glass, chipped wood, and random pools of mud cluttered the floor of the hallway. Benji walked on them barefooted, making no sound as his numb feet came in contact with the floor.
That's all I got for you! Just remember, THIS IS YOUR WORK!
If you aren't sure about my corrections, feel free to keep it as it is. This writing is beautiful as it was made.
Hope this was helpful! Happy writing.
Points: 634
Reviews: 13
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