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Benji's Last Day

by ThekingsAdvisor


The cold winds of the north swept through the forest, it traveled through the lushes trees and the beautiful red and blue flowers. The wind traveled like a snake; smooth and cleanly through the forest where it arrived in a mansion, the mansion tall, but broken from age and improper maintenance. Inside the wind twirled the dust in the ground then it moved from room to room until it hit the sleeping old Benji in the face.

Benji awoke from his deep slumber opened his eyes and looked around. The room to him felt so know and unknown at the same time. He inhaled the cold frigid air slowly then he exhaled it out the same way. With every breath he felt his life waning.

Benji slowly moved his old and frail body, with every motion his body cracked. Popping sound's filled the room as he got up from the bed and stood bent. Benji while touching his back with his hand went into the hallway. shattered glasses, chipped wood and random pools of mud made up the floor of the hallway, Benji walked on them barefooted he made no sound as his numb feet came in contact with the floor.

As Benji entered the kitchen he paid no heed to the red blood that trailed behind him. Benji found a half eaten loaf of bread with a packet of cream cheese in the one of the old cabinets. As he laid the cream in the outer layer of the bread with his finger, he reminiscent about the old times when the kitchen was filled with maids and servants, he remembered as they moved around like dry leaf's blown by the wind.

After finishing his meal Benji ventured into the garden, where it was filled with flowers and trees that have died from inappropriate care. The flowers reminded him of his wife, once bright and lovely now robbed of its color. He imagined what expression she was making, was it a sad one or one of happiness. He imagined his wife outside giving orders to the maids with a expression that would even make him scared. Everything felt empty as Benji ventured further, until he was standing besides his wife's grave. While kneeling he ran his wrinkly finger through the tombstone as it read 'Allena Vet Benji'.

He knelt there even when the rains cascaded from the sky, the sounds of the rain and the lightning became a backdrop to his mind as he sat there, waiting for something.

Soon night started to rule as Benji got up and heeded back to the mansion. He followed back the bloodied path to his room where he fell asleep again.

The rays of the sun peeked through the tears in the curtain. The rays fell onto his face, but no response, no reaction came from him. He had already now met with his wife.


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20 Reviews

Points: 609
Reviews: 20

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Thu Apr 18, 2024 11:04 pm
Inferno wrote a review...



Hello fellow writer!

This was such a touching and beautiful story. I absolutely loved the similes you used to describe things.

The wind traveled like a snake...

Yes, the descriptions are very well done!

So. There are a lot of long running sentences, like:
As he laid the cream in the outer layer of the bread with his finger, he reminiscent about the old times when the kitchen was filled with maids and servants, he remembered as they moved around like dry leaf's blown by the wind

Hmm... Maybe you could cut the sentence up, like this:
As he laid the cream in the outer layer of the bread with his finger, he reminiscent about the old times when the kitchen was filled with maids and servants. He remembered when they moved around like dry leaves blown by the wind.

There are also sentences that need pauses.
Benji while touching his back with his hand went into the hallway.

If you read it through without pausing, it sounds off. Try writing it this way:
Benji, while touching his back with his hand, went into the hallway.

You can replace the ,, with () or -- if you want.
This one too might need touching up:
shattered glasses, chipped wood and random pools of mud made up the floor of the hallway, Benji walked on them barefooted he made no sound as his numb feet came in contact with the floor.

Maybe it would make more sense this way:
Shattered glass, chipped wood, and random pools of mud cluttered the floor of the hallway. Benji walked on them barefooted, making no sound as his numb feet came in contact with the floor.

That's all I got for you! Just remember, THIS IS YOUR WORK!
If you aren't sure about my corrections, feel free to keep it as it is. This writing is beautiful as it was made.
Hope this was helpful! Happy writing.




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Points: 97
Reviews: 2

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Tue Apr 16, 2024 10:32 pm
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TeddyButCheese wrote a review...



I love the writing!
The writing give such a detailed description
and the story lets you wonder what happened to the old man's life to cause it all to come crashing down.

I like the part at the start with the wind kinda gives us a small tour of his land.

It hit all the places where it should
and has a nice sad tone.

I especially like the blood trail,
it shows that he is in a bad condition
and is just over all a great detail.

This piece of work is perfectly constructed
and has good writing.

I love this.




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8 Reviews

Points: 77
Reviews: 8

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Fri Apr 12, 2024 6:02 pm
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Lolita18 wrote a review...



Hey! so, I am here for a quick review. i think you already know that since you are reading it. anyways, i am new here and this is my first story review ever so bear with me.
honestly, i liked this. the idea of an old man spending his last day on earth, looking at his house for the last time, remembering his late wife, visiting her tombstone,
is actually great.
i think when benji's wife died , he probably had felt like he has also become lifeless. i feel like he might have wanted to die after his other halfs death. but he waited for the right time.
i thought that because of these lines :

"He knelt there even when the rains cascaded from the sky, the sounds of the rain and the lightning became a backdrop to his mind as he sat there, waiting for something."

his world might have crashed because of her death. and it feels so pure that at last, he met her.

ps " once bright and lovely now robbed of its color" this line is sooo beautiful.




ThekingsAdvisor says...


Man thanks for review. I am so happy to hear you enjoyed this little piece.



ThekingsAdvisor says...


Man thanks for review. I am so happy to hear you enjoyed this little piece.



ThekingsAdvisor says...


Man thanks for review. I am so happy to hear you enjoyed this little piece.




Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero