You look at me from behind,
But not in the inside,
You say I’m beautiful,
Every time at noon,
You show me off to all your friends,
About what I wear,
And how I am.
I ask,
What about my heart?
You just stand there,
And don’t take me anywhere,
You don’t even hold my hand,
Just you talking about yourself,
Nothing else.
And yet I still ask,
What about my heart?
You treat me like an
object,
Like a trophy on a wall,
You never call me by my name,
Or answer my calls,
You don’t say goodbye
Nothing at all.
I still ask,
What about my heart?
You tell me all the things
you’ve achieved,
You didn’t even want to know about me,
I’m standing all alone like a doormat and you see,
I’m nothing to you but a touchdown in a football game,
I’m leaving now because you’re so lame,
All this time I keep on thinking to myself,
What about my heart?
What about me?
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Wow. Just wow. Your writing has moved me in a way most writing fails to do. I myself have been in a relationship that would've been better off not existing. I won't go into details because I don't want to go off on a tangent, but basically, I was used. You've taken the emotions I was feeling and elaborated on them, and I absolutely love it.
There are some minor things I'd advise that you consider changing, such as "you look me from behind." Is there a word missing from that phrase? It sounds a tad off to me. Also, "not in the inside" sounds a little redundant. You might consider changing those two phrases to "you look at me from behind, not looking on the inside," or something along those lines.
I love this poem, and I hope you keep writing in the future.
i love the poem, it's really nice
i love the poem, it's really nice
Hi!!
Here are some minor details that stood out to me:
"You look me from behind," This sounds off to me, maybe try adding the word at after look.
"Not in the inside," I think this second line sounds off because the first line sounds
"You say I’m beautiful,
Every time at noon," She's only beautiful at noon? They only see each other at noon? (Just curious)
"And how I am." It sounds better to say and who I am, but is that what you're striving for?
"What about my heart?
You just stand there,
And don’t take me anywhere," These three lines are my absolute favorite in the whole poem, genuinely beautiful.
"You treat me like an object,
Like a trophy on a wall," These are really cliche lines; how does he treat you this way?
"I’m nothing to you but a touchdown in a football game,
I’m leaving now because you’re so lame," Game and lame seem really forced to rhyme.
"What about me?" I enjoy this line, but I don't know how I feel about it being the ending line. Maybe What about my heart should be the ending line because it seems like the general theme of this poem.
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem. I think it got too cliche at times, but with a little more description of his actions and her feelings, I think you could avoid that.
XOXO
Rascalover
Their are supposed to be line breaks in the poem but when I published it, it didn't work, sorry!
Heyo. To get the line breaks, hit "shift" along with "enter" in the YWS publisher. That will bring the lines closer together, and then it will also keep the spaces where you put them.
Thanks