My little girl all dressed in white,
Her smile shone brighter than light,
Laughter that echoed all around louder than lighting stabbing the earth almighty,
But a voice so soft like a wave crashing onto the shore,
An extraordinary presents filled the whole wide world,
Even butterflies fluttered every time she was around.
When she walked by, pure happiness was known,
A simple hello turned into a thousand replies.
Her rosy cheeks were so red with delight,
Eyes sparkled even in the darkest of nights,
Her heart so beautiful it never broke,
The face of an angel, innocent and kind.
The moments we had and the memories we shared will never be forgotten,
It was just you and I against the world,
Fighting battles and celebrating victories as well,
You were there all year round,
A mother proud of a daughter so brave.
My little girl I loved you so much,
I’ll never leave you know that you must,
My little girl still dressed in white,
You’re up above the clouds tonight
All tugged up, closed eyes
Sleep well my little girl,
Lights out,
Goodbye.
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hi TheDarkWriter, Msho13 here to give you a review
It really showed how she was such a happy person. She saw the best in everything. This line got to me because this good you describe here would soon be taken away in the next couple lines.So I really liked how you started the poem with imagery because the readers will imagine this innocent beautiful daughter from the beginning. Also by starting with this it sets up the ending well when she is still wearing the white dress. You described her so well and it truly made her seem like she was the best thing that this mother had encountered. My favorite part of your poem was,
The one line that I was confused about was, . Were you trying to say presence? Also in the third line I would put a comma after around to give it a quick pause. It would flow better that way. I loved the way you ended the poem because it brings in the mother aspect in but also says goodbye. It truly was beautiful. I really loved your poem. It was so sad and the way you described the little girl made me feel like she truly was an amazing little girl who never got a chance. Hope to read more from you
Hey ¨TheDarkWriter¨ I am here to a review.
First off I would like to say that your poem is really good. It is so beautifully written, and deep. This poem almost brought me to tears, which is a good thing.
I really liked this part of the poem. I thought that the simile you used was clever and fit well with the poem. I also liked it because it really depicts an image in my head of what the voice sounded like. It is also descriptive which is awesome!
For this quote I think that you should have added to it. I think that you should have told the reader what the daughter must do. It kind of leaves a mystery in such that you do not know what the mother wants the daughter to do. I just think that you should have explained that to the reader.
For this part of the poem , I felt like it was such an abrupt ending by saying goodbye. I would change it to say ¨Goodnight¨ and then add something settle to that just to make it more smooth and go with the feel of your poem. I just think that with ending the poem with goodbye it just seemed kind of harsh, since the rest of your poem was so heart warming and beautiful.
Overall your poem was really good! I would love to read more of your work! Keep it up!
Hey!
Your poem has such a beautifully sad topic. You wrote it so well, but I do have some suggestions. The second line of the poem where you say [quote] laughter that echoed all around louder than lightning stabbing the earth almighty [quote/] made me a little confused. I get what you are trying to say but it is thunder that makes a loud noise not lightning, so I would suggest changing it to be a little more logical. The line after that says, [quote] but a voice so soft like a wave crashing onto the shore [quote/] seems to contradict itself. When I think of waves I think of loud and crashing, so are you trying to make a point of how her voice really was not soft..? I love how you included a lot of metaphors so that the reader can really visualize what you are saying. I would suggest changing the last line of the poem from goodbye to see you soon. Goodbye seems harsh where see you soon seems more fitting for your poem as your poem shows how much love you have for your daughter. ‘See you soon’ fits with the more optimistic tone of the poem.
Hello TheDarkWriter!
I think this might be the most sweetest and well written poem I have ever read.
(quote/)My little girl all dressed in white,
Her smile shone brighter than light,
Laughter that echoed all around louder than lighting stabbing the earth almighty,(quote/)
- I love the opening of this poem. You did amazing with going into detail. The metaphor "Her smile shone brighter than light" really caught my attention. This shows how beautiful her smile is.
(quote/)Sleep well my little girl,
Lights out,
Goodbye.(quote/)
- For the ending, were you going for a sad ending? The whole poem is happy and then the ending is sad by ending it with "goodbye"If you wanted to make the ending happier you could say "Goodbye my little girl, heaven is a better place."
(quote/)My little girl still dressed in white(quote/)
- Throughout the poem, I like how you make the color white a very important point. The little girl reminds me of an angel.
Good job! I love this poem!
Hey and yeah I was making it a sad ending. and thanks for your feedback!
Okay! Reneia here to review your poem!
Okay. I really liked the poem in general, it was an interesting subject that you chose. (And you illustrated it really well!) Sadly, I'm hopeless with praise, so. I'll have to just go over to the... um. next section.
Okay, this is where I'll put everything else. So. First thing that I noticed was that you started out with a rhyme, then you decided otherwise:
Things I liked:
Spoiler
Things I don't like:
Spoiler
So that didn't really make sense. Going on the same subject, that last line in the quotes was REALLY LONG. I would suggest making it into something a bit more like this:
Those are just a few nitpicks. Some of the other lines are run-ons as well. Another thing, if you have a rhyme scene (aabb), keep that rhyme scene. I couldn't tell if this actually was supposed to rhyme, but if it wasn't, change either white or light in the first or second line (You know, to not create a confusing illusion for readers).
Okay! Well, that's all I have for you now. If I misinterpreted, so sorry, let me know! Just to let you know, my criticism is always longer than my praise (I feel that I have to explain everything-see, I did it again! XD). Loved your poem, signing off!
Reneia the Bold
thanks, but this is a narrative poem so it doesn't have to rhyme but thanks for your feedback
Hey, The DarkWriter! My name is Strozzie, and this is my review of your piece. I think I understand your concept, and I like what I am interpreting. However, I do have some critiques for you concerning flow, grammar, and spacing.
This line is interesting in its dual connotation - it gives off two very different "vibes," which I am not sure is being used well in this context. "Soft" is a very positive, fond word, while "crashing" is a harsher verb. I understand the relaxing imagery of an ocean's tides, but your word choice overshadows that pleasant mood you want to give off. I would recommend changing the verb to "rolling" or "cascading." Same idea, but very different vibe.
Unlike much of the rest of your piece, this line was difficult to read because of how you presented it. In free-verse poetry like this, shorter lines are used to help keep the reader's eyes focused and maintain interest. Your lengthy clause disrupts that focus, and especially since it is so early into the piece, carries the risk of turning away a potential audience. Thus, I would recommend chopping this up into two or more lines, maybe offset by spaces? Here, let me show you:
Laughter that echoed all
____ louder than lighting
________ stabbing the earth almighty,
See how nice that looks? I think it also helps accentuate the "louder than lightning" part, so long as the formatting lasts through the submission to YWS.
I do not understand what you mean to say in the second line. "Tugged up?" Do you mean something like "tucked in," as in what a mother does to her daughter before the latter falls asleep? Perhaps consider revising this verb, replacing it with something clearer.
I am honestly not a huge fan of your concluding lines. The whole poem gives off a very nostalgic feeling, but by ending with "Lights out / Goodbye," you chop that short. I think that if you left the ending as "Sleep well, my little girl," this whole piece would conclude very softly. Try to think of your writing like a piece of music. You start out very gently and sweetly, almost like a lullaby. Yet, you end on a very curt slammed chord. If you could end as sweetly as you started, perhaps with a metaphorical arpeggio climbing up a few octaves, your piece could keep that I-miss-you-sweet-child vibe.
Aside from these critiques and some minor grammatical errors, your piece is very sweet and heart-warming, despite its reference to a parent losing their child. If you know someone who has the time and interest in proof-reading your work for the little grammar things, your writing quality would improve a bit
Here with a review:
This poem is so emotional and again with your other poem you grab the reader's attention straight away. I love your use of language and how you connect with people on a emotional level.
It was perfect, keep it up
Hi Felistia here with a short review.
What a touching poem, it had me almost tearing up. Note: I don't tear up very often for anything, so well done on the emotion.
I like how you carry the little girl in white through the whole poem and your description is great.
If I had to nit-pick I think you used the rhyme ight to much like in night, light and white. I am sure there are punctuation mistakes, but I am terrible at punctuation in poems so I will leave that to a more expert opinion. All in all a very touching poem with good description. The ending is very neat and ties off the poem nicely. I look forwarded to more of your works. Have a good day\night.
Thanks Felistia
I forgot to put some commas in, so please try to ignore it thanks!