Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Mystery / Suspense

12+ Violence

The Zombie Game [part 1]

by TheBlueCat


Press Start to begin

Loading…

Please wait, you will be teleported shortly.

Teleporting…

I feel my body disintegrating as I’m slowly being teleported into the game. I take a deep breath. I’ve been training pretty much my whole life for the day when I have to enter the game. Normally the boys want to play the game and the girls want to live their girly fashion life. I don’t fit that girl mold. And besides, I’m an only child and each family has to send one child into the game after a certain amount of time. Now that I’ve turned fifteen, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

My vision starts to clear as my body is reassembled inside the game. I'm in some sort of clear box overlooking the current round. I still can't feel my whole body yet, but I can at least watch what's going on. There's action everywhere. People running around, swinging plastic swords and shooting bright Nerf guns, but mainly avoiding hordes of zombies. Zombies are everywhere. Chasing people around, slowly but surely, trapping people in corners, and crawling around on the grass, half defeated. There's various green tinted body parts laying around on the ground, most likely from a misaimed sword. At least there isn't blood in the game. That would be gross.

I suddenly hear a really weird sound, a strange sort of dying bugle sound. Everyone below starts to scramble around faster. They seem to draw strength from the sound and fight back fiercer and stronger. I think it’s the sound signaling the end of the round soon. But then the mossy cobble walls start moving. Not much, but changing what looks like a maze below. I think it also squished a couple of zombies.

After a minute or two of scrambling around and walls moving around, another noise sounds, more like a school bell this time. The walls disappear along with the zombies, both alive and dead. If you can call a zombie alive that is. All that is left is the survivors and a few dead people. The survivors high-five each other, gather their weapons and head towards the empty area a little bit in front of me. A few of them grab the dead bodies and drag them towards the gathering.

A young man, about 16, comes out of a door directly below me. He’s holding a clipboard and seems to be directing everyone. I catch a few snippets of what he’s saying.

“…over there…give them respect before they disappear…zombies soon. Now you…any injuries? Are we good to…aright let’s get a move on.”

He claps his hands together and calls out louder so everyone can hear him. “Alright everyone, can I have your attention please? We don’t have a lot of time and have a lot of things to cover. First off, let us identify the dead and have a moment of silence for them.” I hear a few names called out further back in the crowd, and the boy scribbles something down on his clipboard. When he’s done, they all stand there silently for a moment or two, and then the bodies fade. Everybody looks up expectantly. “Sadly, there’s nobody returning to us today from the zombies.” A few disappointed sighs. The boy checks his clipboard again. He really seems to like schedules.

“Okay, we have some time to shop, so take a few moments and get some upgrades. There’s also some water and cookies up here, so please help yourselves.” A bunch of hologram screens popped up in front of everyone and there is a few minutes of shopping, snacking, and general small talk. After a while, the boy decides time is up, so he claps his hands. The screens disappear and I can see the new upgrades people have bought. Everyone finds their way away from the snack table and stands up, ready for the next order of business.

The clipboard boy pulls a walkie-talkie off his belt and talks into it. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but after a moment he nods and turns around to flicks a switch. It must be connected to the box I’m floating in, because I can feel myself disintegrating again. He turns back to the crowd. “We have a new player today!” The crowd cheers lightly. I feel my body being funneled onto the ground below and reassembled, fully this time. “Everyone, please welcome them to our team!”

I fade in and stand there in front of everyone, tall and proud. The light cheering everyone was giving fades away as I stand there. Even the boy with the clipboard stares a little. I’m starting to wonder if I look weird, like is my short blue-purple hair with rainbow streaks too much? I suddenly realize that at least 95% of the players in front of me are boys. I suppose girls are a little uncommon. The boy collects himself and checks his clipboard once again. Does he forget what to do without constantly checking his clipboard? “Uh, what’s your name?”

“Ruby. Ruby Wiley.” I look him directly in the eyes as I say this. He can’t meet them. Typical boys. My mom always told me that I was prettier than the average girl (I don’t believe that) but these boys were acting as if I were a supermodel. Yeesh.

After scribbling more on his clipboard like his life depends on it, he sticks out his hand. “Hi Ruby, I’m Leo. Welcome to the team. I’m the unofficial team leader.” I shake his hand firmly without hesitation. He still seems more flustered than before I came, although he’s hiding it and still being very efficient. He waves his hand in the air and two weapons appear floating in front of me, a black and green plastic sword and a bright orange and white toy gun. Is he a wizard or something? “Your beginner sword and gun,” He explains. I grab them out of the air and stick the sword on my back and the gun in my belt holder, which appeared along with the gun and contains a few extra ammo clips.

“Oh, and I almost forgot, here’s your life band. It’ll keep track of your health points and your kills for you. The number of kills and type of zombie killed will earn you a certain number of coins to buy upgraded weapons and gear. The coins will be added to your account at the shop.” A snap of the fingers and a black bracelet appears on my right wrist. It appears to be integrated flat onto my skin. There’s a small circle on the back like a watch with a big white zero surrounded by green bars. I’m assuming the zero is how many kills and the bars are my health points.

Leo turns toward everyone else. “Alright, gather everything and ready yourselves, we’re moving on to the next round. Good luck!” The world around us changes like a hologram to a rain forest type setting. I can’t tell whether we were teleported or the world changed. It could easily be both. “Good luck, Ruby. You’re really going to need it,” Leo whispers before he slips back into the door behind him. The door disappears. Rude. I think. I know what I’m doing. I’m not some damsel in distress. And to top it all off, he’s probably going to sit somewhere nice and safe while we risk our lives fighting undead people. I shake my head. Rude.

Before anyone can do anything else, I’m teleported with a nice pop! to a random place on the map. No one else is in sight. I guess we’re on our own. I ready my gun and hear the same bell sound that ended the last round. The air suddenly reeks of rotting flesh, and I hear some zombie groans not too far off. I press my back against a tree trunk. My heart starts racing, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life, and now it’s here. I just hope I’m ready.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1201 Reviews


Points: 9039
Reviews: 1201

Donate
Wed May 16, 2018 5:02 pm
View Likes
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Cat!

I'm glad to see something you've posted here that I can review. So far, I think what you have is really strong, and I'm excited to see where this is going to go. I'm curious as to how long this is going to end up being, if you have an idea. Like others have mentioned, your first couple of paragraphs do a good job of bringing the reader into the world that you've created, and inside of Ruby's internal monologue.

I had a lot of questions as I finished reading. I'm assuming most of them will be answered in future parts, but still, I wanted to give you things to think about. First of all, how old is Ruby is exactly? They seem to be all teenagers. It seems like they're there not by their own choice, so how exactly are they chosen, and why is Ruby being a girl uncommon? Is this a dystopian future or an alternate present? Why does this game exist?

Overall, great work. Let me know when you post future parts. Can't wait to read them! Let me know if you have any questions.

Best,
Elinor




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks! I'm pretty sure in the first paragraph I mentioned that Ruby is 15, but if I didn't, Ruby is 15 xD I actually didn't have an answer for that next one, but I have been thinking and there will be answers in future parts if I ever get around to writing them. No clue, but probably dystopian future...? Oh right I need to answer that xD (Lots of reminders for me)
I also have no idea how long this is going to be, but my best guess is more than 4 parts? Less than 7? xD
Glad you enjoyed! c:



User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 844
Reviews: 93

Donate
Thu May 03, 2018 3:28 pm
klennon14 wrote a review...



Hi there, here for a review!

The first few lines about being initiated into the game is well written. It intrigues the reader.


"I feel my body disintegrating as I’m slowly being teleported into the game. I take a deep breath. I’ve been training for the day when I have to enter the game. pretty much my whole life" (this can be worded a bit better, perhaps ‘I’ve been training my entire life for this day.’)


I have a few issues with this first few paragraphs. Overall, the base structure is well built. However, I do feel a bit of the wording here is mundane or there could be more elaboration on a few topics. I feel like you’re just rushing through important background information with the reader. I want to know just a little more. Just use a little more description to bring more life to the story- you want your reader to feel immersed in the story, not as if you're just reading off a story.


"Normally the boys want to play the game and the girls want to live their girly fashion life." This line is a bit cliche. You want your reader to be pulled in by your descriptions in the beginning rather than not be surprised because your descriptions are the expected. The opening few paragraphs are a pivotal step in getting your reader engaged.

"I don’t fit that girl mold." (Perhaps rather, ‘I don’t fit your typical girl’s mold.’ This suggestion is because you have to find a balance between more choppy and longer sentences.

I feel like some of your sentences are too choppy and that’s what creates the feeling that you’re listing off background facts to me, rather than making me relive the experience. It can be hard to find a balance, but even just a word or two can make all the difference.)


"... slowly but surely, trapping people in corners, and crawling around on the grass, half defeated (Are the zombies half defeated or is it the victim’s? Some sentences can use a bit more clarity.)

"There's various green tinted body parts laying around on the ground," This sentence is a bit awkwardly worded. It feels mechanical. You want it to flow. Something more like ‘There’s ghoulish body parts every step I take, strewn across the mud’ would flow a bit smoother, or a sentence along these lines. You see the difference? It’s just less choppy and more conformed, the detail is stringed together in a order and rhythm that flows.

I think overall, you have a very good story line base for this story. It's interesting and action-packed. It seems to have a good balance thinking about short story attributes. It could even be expanded into a longer piece, you have a lot of options with this piece!

There is room for improvement with enriching your descriptions, but you are a young writer, and many of my short stories began this way. I am now 22, and I remember starting at this point and you'll see how much progress that you will make over time with developing your own voice and unique ways of descriptions.

Apologies if this seemed like I was nitpicking, but I do love the idea of this story. You have a good base, and I really enjoyed reading it.

If you have any questions or you want to yell at me, feel free to message me! :)

Good job!

Happy writing,

Kali L.




TheBlueCat says...


Thanks! c:



klennon14 says...


You're welcome :)



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 118
Reviews: 6

Donate
Thu May 03, 2018 3:25 pm
View Likes
MrsxCreepypasta wrote a review...



Boo! Creeps here with a spooky review (still working on my intro)

I'm am not a grammar nazi and have no right to tell you if you used the right sentence structure or punctuation. I will leave that to the professionals. I would rather review this story based on what I think about it.

Sadly, this kinda theme is not new to me I've seen a lot of stories like this, but yours is absolutely amazing and it kept me pulled in, so props to that. I like how Ruby doesn't put her self in all that girly stuff and breaks gender roles, we need more of that irl. While reading this I kinda got a Walking Dead and Hunger Games vibe. Perhaps that was the inspiration? It also reminded me of an anime called Sword Art Online as well. To top it all off its got that Jumanji touch near the end...well except for the zombie. I'm not saying this is a rip-off, these are just all the things that I love and that's what makes me like this story even more.

I do have a few questions. 

Why don't girls play this type of game? There's actually a lot of girls who like zombie games. Is it a future thing? Has it been outlawed? Also, if they die in the game do they die in real life? 

Anyways I hope my review was okay.

~ Stay Spooky




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you! This is only part one, so most of those questions will be answered! ;)



User avatar
120 Reviews


Points: 7486
Reviews: 120

Donate
Wed May 02, 2018 5:52 am
View Likes
Carina wrote a review...



Cat! Here as promised. I fiiiinally get to see the story that you've been a sneakin' around with, so let's dive right in! Nitpicks are a drag, so I'll tell you my overall impressions of the story.

I remember you saying that this was based on a dream, and y'know, I can totally see that. xD I can especially understand this towards the beginning when so much was happening, and it's like, yup, you had a vision and put it into words, which is great. I admit I was kinda confused at what was going on at first 'cause so much was happening and I was like omgwhatisgoingon, but then I realized it was just like the Hunger Games setup. But instead of killing each other, they kill zombies. In a game. So, Hunger Games meets The Walking Dead meets Spy Kids. lol.

Still, remember to show and not tell! I think I mentioned this in my Blue Arrows review, so I won't get too detailed here. But! Here is a good outside source to research this topic. Check it out! And if you do, I'd love to see you try to incorporate their exercises or pointers into Part 2 of this novella. :D There's bound to be lots and lots of detail of zombies and, ya know, death.

Speaking of which, the last paragraph did an EXCELLENT job at showing and not telling, as well as incorporating sensory detail. I'm specifically referencing this tidbit:

The air suddenly reeks of rotting flesh, and I hear some zombie groans not too far off. I press my back against a tree trunk. My heart starts racing, adrenaline pumping through my veins. I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life, and now it’s here. I just hope I’m ready.

I underlined the sensory details that breathes some life into the story by -- you guessed it -- showing, not telling. The italicized part is a narration by the main character Ruby which is also essential in a strong voice for a first-person story, so don't be afraid to incorporate more thoughts and feelings of Ruby!

Here's an exercise for you: try adding more details (such as the underlined and italicized ones above) into the following sentences.
Zombies are everywhere. Chasing people around, slowly but surely, trapping people in corners, and crawling around on the grass, half defeated ...

... All that is left is the survivors and a few dead people.


yep yep that's some yummy food for thought words right there. ANNNYWAYS, I'm curious to know how this story will play out. Is Ruby nervous? Is she scared? Has she never been in the game before? Is the game a really huge deal, and if so, what is the point? Why zombies? What happens when you die in the game?

SO MANY QUESTIONS. We seem to have been given a brief setting and character introductions, so I suspect the main part of the plot will be in the next chapter. I like how you started the chapter with the 'start to begin' thing, by the way. It was a nice gamer touch.

Hope this helped, and tag me for chapter two! :D




TheBlueCat says...


Yay thank youu! Glad you enjoyed~ :D <3



User avatar
351 Reviews


Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Donate
Wed May 02, 2018 3:36 am
View Likes
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, TheBlueCat. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

Impression on Story thus Far:


I enjoyed the gamer streak Ruby has inside her. I can connect with her on a personal level because I am a gamer as well. As for the storyline, I am assuming that this takes place in some virtual reality game, fighting zombies obviously. I love it, love everything about it. I do not know how much more I can say about this chapter because we haven’t fully gotten into the story yet.

Nitpicks & Stuff:


And besides, I’m an only child and each family has to send one child into the game after a certain amount of time.


The one ‘ and ‘ is not needed in this sentence. Even though the words ‘ and ‘ and ‘ but ‘ can be used at the beginning of a sentence, this was not needed because of the word ‘ besides ‘.

Overall Conclusion


Overall, I enjoyed the aspect of gaming and zombies combined in one. It seems like there is more to it than what is led on at the moment. We shall see, am I right? I do connect with Ruby on a personal level only because we are both gamers. That is just me though. I hope this review helps for your future chapters and such. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and can’t wait for the next chapter update.

- Kanome




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you! Glad you enjoyed c:




[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] RavenLord: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
— RavenLord