Young Writers Society

Ooh I like this! This could totally be made into like a teen fantasy romance novel. This is quite short, but it definitely is a really cool spark to start a bigger story. Sometimes big stories have tiny beginnings. You should totally turn this into a book!

Nice idea! Short but pleasant.

Btw also got a fae story of you’re interested. *cough cough self-promotion, cough cough I just want someone to read my work embrassed cough*

Oh my god I love fae. Aye it’s a wild IvoryRose with a snazzy review. The premise is interesting and I could definitely read a sequel or series. My issue is that it feels incomplete, that you need more. I’m convinced of Mason’s love for Lydia and he has charisma so character wise good job, but the world feels incomplete. I was kind of hoping to see Lydia’s reaction. I don’t know I feel like it’s a wasted novel idea, that it could go beyond short story. If you don’t want to that’s fine because it’s really good and if it leaves the reader wanting more trust me that a compliment. Overall, great job!

Hi @Shikora here to give a review.

First I loved this short story it was really good. I liked how you gave a lot of detail on how Mason is feeling, and it was a really good length.

Okay down to the Review.

I do still think this could have a little more in it though. Like some description. There is one place that i think could really do with it.

1) I turn towards her. "Lydia?"

She doesn't glance away from the T.V. "What, Mason?"

I take a deep breath. "What would you do if I told you I was a Fae?"

Between these three sentences i think you could add a little more. Sorry if i'm coming a cross as mean. Anyway this is how I would write it.

I turn towards her. Her deep, green eyes glued to the T.V., and her hands neatly placed on her lap. Taking a deep breath I ask, "Lydia?"

She doesn't glance away from the T.V. "What, Mason?"

I take a deep breath feeling the sweet run down my face. "What would you do if I told you I was a Fae?"

I no it doesn't look like much but it makes a big difference.

If it's not to much to ask I would like you to describe his homeland. I don't really get a good image in my dead when you talk of it, just a little more information would be nice. But over all I loved your story. I hope you keep on writing and have a good day.

@Shikora

This is a good start to build on. I really like the way the narrator's personality shows through. The concept is cool, although forbidden romance is a very commonly use topic for writing.

I think it's interesting how the girl's father doesn't tell his daughter what Mason is, but as you said, "plays games" to keep him away. I wonder if he does this not because he wants them to break up, but so Mason will be forced to tell Lydia the truth.

I would suggest that rather than revealing what the narrator is from the beginning, you wait until the last line. This might add an element of suspense to help keep the reader intrigued. Instead of saying "Why didn't I just tell her I'm a Fae?" I would just say "Why didn't I just tell her about me?"

I like the cliffhanger at the end, and I hope you'll continue to add to the story. I hope these suggestions helped!