My Sister's Skin is Darker Than Mine

Hi!

I know you have a lot of reviews on this, and I said below I agree with a lot of Morrigan's points, but I still feel like I have to write a review because of how serious this poem was and how sensitive it seems to you. I could tell you're protective of it and let me just say, I understand. You wrote it a specific way because you like writing that way, you're comfortable writing that way. And to be honest, the poem did have some effect, it did touch me, especially in the middle.

However, I ask that you take some of my advice/suggestions (and that of others). I'm not trying to criticize your work, I promise, I've had people do that and I don't like it. I'm trying to make it connect more, and flow better.

When it comes to poetry, flow or rhythm, is just as important as rhyming. You are dedicated to the rhyming pattern, yes, but what about rhythm? The last stanza was sad, but I was distracted by the fact that the rhythm was interrupted. You made the last two lines too long. Here's an example on how to shorten it. Just a suggestion.

Example 1:

My sister's skin is darker than mine
I don't know if she's dead or alive,
but since her skin is darker than mine
no one seems to care for her life.

Hi there, TheBlackSheep.

The subject of the poem is very serious, and I enjoy the almost guilt that the narrator feels when she envied her sister's race, as well as the conclusion.

The subject matter is great. That being said, I feel like the execution could use a little work.

I'm going to be honest. I don't usually like rhyming poems, especially in serious poetry. Now, I am going to suggest that you forego rhyme here because it makes the subject not as hard-hitting. Also allow yourself to go outside the four line a stanza rule you've set for yourself here. I feel like a free poem would deliver more raw emotion.

Now, from what I've read below, it seems that this is more about raising awareness for the murders of Native women in Canada than it is a personal narrative, and I'm glad that you're writing about a social issue like this. However, it kind of feels impersonal while I'm reading it, despite the fact that you use the word sister. If my sister was missing, there would be a lot more sadness and fear than bitterness. The bitterness, I think, would come with time, but I want the rawness of pain that comes with this. Yes, this describes a hate crime, but beyond that, this woman is family to the narrator.

even though our parents are the same.
My mother and sister look exactly alike
while, for me, my father takes the blame.

when we were both "that age"

I envied my sister a lot

people unlike you and me
unlike us not by the shade of their skin

until one day I looked for her
and my sister I could no longer find.

Hello, I hope this review helps.

Looking at the positive side of things, I loved this poem. The bias behaviour of the people was well portrayed and so was the persona's feelings towards the unkindness shown towards her sister. How she envied the darker sister was well expressed and this does portray the belief of some people. I also loved the rhyming scheme and everything followed well.

I really don't have anything negative to say as I really liked this piece. My favourite stanza would be:

' These people are modern day monsters
far scarier than creatures of lore
because they lived not in our nightmares
but in the red brick houses next door'

Overall, a well written poem and hope to read more of your poems in the near future.

- Anshira.

wow!

I loved your poem, i really liked the use of lyric and the story you told through it. this poem is bringing forward an universal fact which is quite hard to describe in simple words but you did it with good care.
but for the nitpick-
"Chief"- pardon my ignorance but why will one bully another calling them chief.
"that's considered okay, as you've already read."- this in no way seems to me a good way to end such a lovely poem. when i read it for the first time i was expecting something relevant and strong in at the end but this truly killed the sense. think about it and i am sure that you will come up with something better
"I envied my sister a lot"- just a suggestion- you can change this to- " i envied my sister under the hood"- like you didn't want to expose your jealousy- this matches the lyrical scheme better and in no way lessens the feel. while using the word "lot" seems childish and just forcefully inserted to rhyme.
that was all i had to suggest, you have a good view and beautiful theme to work on, let your imaginations know no bounds and aim at the best,
keep writing
Rituparna

Hello, TheblackSheep!
I really love this piece. It is something I have gone through in my own life and I could relate very easily. My favorite part was this section:
"I envied my sister a lot
in the few short years of our youth
but that was before I really understood
the most common of life's cold truths."
I think I enjoyed this part so much because it is so true. When we are young we are so innocent and we don't understand that there are so many differences and that they matter (even when they shouldn't).

In the second line of the fifth stanza you say "people unlike you and me," Maybe this is just me, but I think that it felt a bit broken from the rest of the poem. I probably would have said "People 'that are' unlike you and me". Just a thought for the future.

They rhyme scheme you used fits very well with the piece and flowed flawlessly when reading. The only spot it got a bit held up is when you had "me" and "misery" which, while the wording is very good, it seemed a bit disconnected because the latter is so much longer than the first.


Overall it is a beautiful piece. Very good work.

Great job! Keep writing!

--Cam

Hi, the Black Sheep.

This poem is powerful and touches upon what many media outlets today choose to ignore. I am glad you chose this topic and I actually clicked to read the poem because of the title as well as description, so well done.

The poems is great and like every review, I will have to point out a few thing that limits the strength of this powerful piece.

- In the first stanza:

[ My mother and sister look exactly alike
while, for me, my father takes the blame. ]

I had to read it twice to understand what you meant. By stating that your father takes the blame, it gives the reader the impression that the poem is more about your problem and can confuse the reader that it's actually your sister who is the main subject who faces hardship. By using the word 'blame', it hints that you will be the one to face the problem as is not the case.

- I like how you use the word 'envy' consistently in the first half of the poem, however, you stop using it in the second half which breaks the consistency. You could perhaps imply in some of your lines that you did not 'envy' how she was bullied and the like etc. Well, you are the poet.

- This line was unclear. How does skin burn in darkness?

[ because while my skin could burn in darkness
hers almost never did.]


- This stanza is really inconsistent because there are two ideas (1) the sister was bullied (2) the sister's light was dimmed. Whilst these two ideas are connected, the lines don't flow:

[ These monsters bullied and picked on my sister
called Featherhead, Crow, and Chief
her light which had always shone brightly
was now dimmed by their ignorant belief. ]

- You do not need to tell the reader what they've already read as in:

[ that's considered okay, as you've already read.]

You could just end on: [ that's considered okay ]

- It is unclear what happened to the sister, did she go missing, did she run away, was it an accident? and it is not really communicated how the writer was affected by this loss, which makes this otherwise powerful poem come off as 'weak' - for lack of better word -



I don't know why my review is so long. I really loved your poem and I really feel bad what happened to the other sister. It touched my heart.

Barbz out.

I'm kind of confused, about the envy part.
I wonder if there could be a little bit more of a description.
I Like that you chose to write a poem about this, and hope it may raise a little bit of awareness.
I wonder if you could not have said the word envied or envy as much though.

I hope this helps!