Lay Me Down

Yo!

You said to be gentle so I'm going to praise you a lot and then do what I typically do. =D

You really do deserve some praise for this. You have some really good work in here. First off you picked up on the beat of this poem and I can really tell that you put a lot of work into the sounds and the syncopation of the reading. There's a lot of delicacy when it comes to the punctuation and the word choice such as "'neath" and "of beloved family" because I read it "be-love-ed" instead of "be-lov'd" which I think is how you meant it. The rhythm and flow support that reading clearly. In other words, this poem is really good in the area of flow, rhythm and beat.

You've got some work to do still though, as you noticed yourself. For the most part I'd suggest working on the punctuation in the first few lines. I have a hard time reading it all the way through in one go, but at the same time, I always trip up on the word "willow" as well, not really sure why. This is just a thought from reading it out loud and telling you what I experienced. It could just be me.

Also punctuation at the end, the last three lines, needs a little work too. I read right through "Stay one night silent, by my grave" because it's not natural to pause there, and while I understand that you're trying to emphasize silence by the verbal pause, it might be better to do that by taking out the comma and making that the end word of a line.

You could go so far as to break it up like this even.

Stay one night silent
by my grave as you pray
for my soul the lord to save
and should a lonesome song bird sing

Wow, this is actually pretty impressive. The lines flow so well, and I'm loving the imagery I'm getting from this. You are very good at what you do. I would love to hear more from you!

I am sad that this is the first poem that you have written for yourself. You are clearly a talented writer, and you have waited far too long.

This is truly amazing. Your word choice is excellent. Your fluency is perfect.

It is very beautiful. It has the sweetness of a beautiful song. I could hear each and every word being read in my head. It has a beauty of it that is difficult for me to explain.

Please, write more poetry. You would be doing yourself and the rest of the world to not do so. You truly have a wonderful talent that you should never try to suppress.

I don't really have major notes, and i apologize for that.

I think that you either shouldn't've put the title on the page, or you should've put space in between there and the poem. When i read that line, i thought that it was the first line of the poem. Some poems really do begin with the title, and sometimes the title even comes from the first line.

I think that you should put a period after the line "And the mourners few." Poetry is very stylistic when it comes to free verse. I know that the punctuation doesn't need to be correct, but it should always be consistent.

Also, i have another suggestion. I personally think that you should put commas after the lines that do not finish sentences.

Otherwise, this is amazing, and i believe that it does not require any major revision. I recommend that you are wary of which suggestions that you take from people. This poem is beautiful, so you should not do anything that may take away from the beauty of it.

Hi TheBlackSheep.

This was beautiful and touching, and I promise I will be careful with this; I just have a few suggestions.

"Lay me down on a bed of moss

'Neath a shady willow tree"

I don't think the "'Neath" is necessary...and it would flow nicer if you replaced with "beneath". And in the next part, when you said:

"Surrounded by the quiet graves

Of beloved family."

Since you made this a rhyming poem, these are just small word and rhythm changes that I think would work better for your poem. Instead, maybe you could put, "Of my beloved family" (or whoever's family it may be). "Mixed with morning dew." Maybe change this to, "Mixed with drops of morning dew".

You mention the word "silent" in both this line: "Stay one night silent..." And this one: "Before taking flight on silent wings...". There are other repetitions of words in this poem; but I promised to be careful with this. Just add variations and synonyms of the words; it doesn't sound bad to me, but other people might criticize, so I was just mentioning it.

At the end, "there" and "near" don't quite rhyme, but it's fine. Just in case you were worried about it; people should easily overlook it. And for your first real poem, this is perfectly written.

So, from reading this poem, I interpreted that the narrator is approaching death, and they are wishing for their mourner's future as well as their own; he or she pleads for little grief and seldom tears, and lets his or her family know that he or she will always be there, watching from above, asking for only a little deed: that they remember her and hear his or her love before disappearing back into the night. This poem reminded me of a soft whisper, sort of.

You were so brave for posting something so special to you and leaving it for other's to view and dissect. I know that takes a lot of courage. If it hurts you too much to change anything, then please don't.

Great first poem.

Yours,

Sav

Hey.
I like what you say in the description about writing the poem for yourself - and it's true - I get the impression that this work is very personal to you. However, it also has meaning that is accessible to the reader:

Let the grieving be silent,

And the mourners few

silent wings