It was the 8th of August 1348, when I died.
Truthfully the event didn’t come as a surprise. Death himself stalked England then.
Remembering the coughing, the pungent smell, vomit and blood all over the room, would make me shudder if I still had a body. The pestilence was everywhere. The gruesome deaths of people with the raging disease became regular and monotonous. Somebody dies, shove them in the earth and that was it, until the next person. Nobody wanted to become diseased, so it was done quickly and efficiently. Even the priests sometimes avoided hearing the confessions before people died. Families sobbed sorrowfully over the sorry excuses for graves, but nobody else cared.
But I had no family, nobody who cared about me. ‘Crazy ol’ Alice’ that was me, the demented woman who lived at the dark end of the village, the woman with the visions of the lights. No other mad hallucinations, just the lights. I wasn’t mad, that was for sure. But nobody believed that I was sane. The lights made me wiser than anyone. Every time a light was extinguished, somebody met their end. And it was me who had to live in knowledge. In these strange dreams where I saw the lights, everyone had a history. For example, in one dream I extended my arm and felt the light dancing and flickering in its radiance and power. His name was Mark Dale. He was a humble farmer abandoned by his wife and working hard to support three children. He...
Then he disappeared.
I remember when I was dying, the deathly smell, and the sense of terror. And all of a sudden everything was calm. The boils on my skin disappeared, the sickening stink disappeared, and my vomit and excretion was gone too.
Then he came.
It started with a creak of the door opening. A gnarled wrinkled hand grasped the door frame.
And he stood in the doorway.
He was garbed in a midnight robe with a hood covering most of his face, yet revealing grey stubble and a scarred face.
“Alice Basset.” He murmured. “I have chosen you to help me.”
I walked the void, as if it were solid ground. Seeing the lights blazing about me, some strange ones in the distance, as bright as an August sun; others were dimming like a failing candle. I heard whispers of strange incoherent languages about me, and of past life and life to come. Such torment this was!
I moved to a light that I recognised, that was ever so slowly dimming, yet desperately attempting to keep itself radiant.
“She’s only a girl!” I thought with anguish.
I reached into the light. “Turn out your light my dear.” I whispered. “You’ll be safe with me.” And hesitantly the light materialized into her, and she took my hand.
As I led her away she spoke. “Ma’am...” She said. “I’m scared.”
“Don’t be my dear.” I whispered. “Nothing can hurt you now.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hi Terian805,
Mailice here with a short review!
An exciting short story, but I was a bit confused how it all turned out because you jumped back and forth a bit too much at some points. I like the tone with which you tell the story. The first person narrative makes up for a lot of this, especially the tone with which you tell how some people die, like with Mark Dale. There's a certain tension that you build.
Especially in terms of structure, you manage to build up a good tension, always going into a new section, describing a bit of Alice's fear and anxiety. I was only confused in the second half because I thought you were just changing the POV, which made me think a bit about what was happening.
From the tone, the story made me feel like we have a lot more to see here than is actually shown, where I think it would help to be a little clearer in places. You stay in your metaphors, and I think that's good, but there continues to be a certain cluelessness in the reader where I think a little more description would help pull that in a different direction.
In summary, it's definitely an interesting and unusual story you've written here.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hi!
First, might I suggest to put a rating for 12+ and violence on here? Just a suggestion with the death scene.
Okay, so the actual review.
You did a marvelous job with the senses - especially smell. Also, the little creepy feelings shivered up my spine, which is fantastic! Great job on giving me the shivers
Although, the last little part didn't make much sense to me. I just got a little confused. Now, that may just be me and my weird ways of interpreting things, or it could be everyone. Either way, maybe you could clear it up a little more.
It is a great sort story, and if you continue it that would be awesome! Keep writing,
~ EternalRain ^.^
This is a very detailed work throughout the piece. Good job.
So the narrator is allegedly crazy, or she's thought to be by those who know her. In reality, she's so knowledge that people can't understand her. I like that. Reminds me of a few people in my life. Not that they have supernatural abilities or anything.
I like that you give the psychological impact of the plague during the Dark Ages. While I haven't done much research into the area, I don't doubt that the people were jaded in regards to death. It's a nice touch.
One thing I can't quite figure out is who the girl is to the narrator. I assume that the girl is dying, and when the narrator tells her to 'turn out' her light, the girl is giving into death, or the scarred, darkly robed man. A little sentence or two could establish the girl in the story and could clear up the vagueness at the end.
Also, did you mean for it to be all in bold? It's not a problem because the entire piece is consistently bold, but I was just wondering.
Other than that, I really don't have any problems with it. Keep writing!
Hi! I thought that this was a very cool short story, albeit a little confusing. I didn't find too many mistakes, although in the sentence "'Crazy ol' Alice' that was me," you may want to include a comma after Alice unless you plan to rearrange the sentence.
I think it would be good to include a bit more background about Alice- tell a little more about her visions of lights, and what she thinks the lights may be. What does Alice feel throughout this whole thing? Is she happy to be helping to kill people? (I assume that's what she's doing at the end- it's not clear).
In "I moved to a light I recognised, that was ever so slowly dimming," who or what is the light she recognizes? Recognized is also spelled with a z rather than an s.
The ending seems slightly abrupt, so you may want to extend it a little with where the girl may be going or if Alice must do this over and over again for many years.
I really liked this story, it has a very interesting plot. Keep writing!
Thank you all three of you for reading! (Sorry the reply is a bit late!) I will create a revised version soon, and extend the story on Alice's feelings and I will clear up the ending!
Sounds great! I look forward to it!