z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Prologue: Lantern on the Ship

by Terian805


Prologue: The Lantern on the Ship:

The skies were as silent as death, for it was a still night upon the crystal straits.

Hardly a trace of life could be found in there. Most living things fled from the unearthliness of the place, the brilliant magenta glow of the crystal cube-shards hung in suspended animation in the violet sky, and the desolate floating islands, long abandoned by some forgotten race.

With an ominous moan, misty clouds came rolling through the air, and began to envelop the isles and the crystals. The winds picked up, and as if to herald their arrival, the ethereal figurehead of a ship speared through the wall of cloud, a silver, beady eyed eagle, which hauling its groaning vessel along with it.

It was a sky ship, and a fine specimen at that. Built like a merchant ship from mast to prow, the smooth contours of the wood and the seamless, overlapping plates of metal across the hull marked it as a craft fresh from some lumberyard of the Upper Kingdoms. The deck however was surprisingly sparse of individuals, save a cloaked figure stood motionless at the helm. The man was built like a bull, with a windswept beard across his face, and tanned, rugged features resulting from years spent travelling among the skies, His fingers gripped the wheel with the strength of an old friend, as he narrowly manoeuvred through the blinding glow of a shard. He grimaced in frightened concentration, while continuing on wards. These skies were unfamiliar to him, and didn’t like the unfamiliar.

The man heard footsteps on wood, behind him, and turned just for a moment to see another man stood at his side, hood thrown back, and tangled black hair streaming in the wind. They both looked remarkably alike, for they were twins after all. The one at the helm knew how he was unlikely to be interrupted at work, unless in a matter of great importance. So he stared expectantly at his brother, waiting for him to speak.

“Retos, you’ve been at it for hours.” The other said. “Why not let me take the wheel for a while”

Retos replied with a guttural grunt. “I’d suppose, Cedric, you’d want me to talk to our passenger again, but I know that you said how much you were hated steering this damned ship, so perhaps I won’t assume that.”

Cedric sighed melodramatically. “That’s very true, brother, very true. But you know how much more I hate to start conversation with that girl. She just sits by the rigging, buried in that damned cloak of hers, and doesn’t move an inch. I swear to you, it’s as if she’s asleep half the time.”

Retos chuckled quietly. He knew Cedric all too well, having spent their entire lives together, half as smugglers, and half raised as youths. They’d fought together, suffered together, almost died together, and if there was one thing that Retos knew about his brother, it was that he would never be swayed, if he had made a decision

“Fine then.” He spoke. “You’ve convinced me. Take the wheel and steer us through the crystals, whilst I go try to speak to her.”

Leaving the heaving mass of wood, to his brother, Retos abandoned the wheel and strode up the deck, passing the interlocking webs of rigging which hung over his head, the silence filling up his ears. Sat in the usual place at the rim of the ship was the girl, a mass of black cloth and knees brought to her chest. Her hood had been swept from her head, revealing waves of auburn hair that cascaded over her shoulders, and stabbing green eyes. They’d picked her up, at some city in the Upper Kingdom, a small and ordinary looking thing, looking for a lift to the Silver Spires. Retos and Cedric had been heading exactly that way, transporting gunpowder to a kingdom in the Eastern Reaches, so it would have seemed thoughtless to leave a lost young lady with no place to go.

“Being the chivalrous, and trustworthy human beings that we are.” Retos thought with irony.

There seemed to be little special about her. Even the fact that she called herself, “Lantern” didn’t surprise Retos. Many travellers crossed the skies under false names, whether to protect their identity or for a bit of fun and adventure, it didn’t matter.

Lantern saw him coming her way, and smiled nervously at him. Retos stood towering over her, struggling for something to say.

“So how are you finding the journey?” He asked.

“Good thank you.” She replied. “I’m seeing places that I never would have thought I’d see. Places I only heard tales of as a child.”

Retos clambered onto a net of rigging nearby, and lay back onto the ropes. His boots balanced precariously over the rim of the ship and over the void, but he was an old hand at climbing the rigging, and knew well that he wouldn’t fall.

“Why’s that?” He replied. “How many times have you travelled on a sky ship before?”

“Less than you might think.” Lantern said vaguely. “But your ship reminds me of another that I was once told about, by a good friend, long ago. He told me of adventures through the clouds, and of long and dangerous journeys to distant islands. He told me of his life on board, and the dangers that he had gone through.”

Retos was surprised to hear Lantern talk so wistfully of her past. Retos and he, had hardly extracted more than ten words from her since the beginning of the journey.

“Why don’t you tell me what he told you?”

She looked at him in surprise. “I’d bore you...”

“I’m already bored. And more than you might think. It’s a long journey for Cedric to get us past these straits, and I haven’t heard a good story in a while. So go on, tell me about your friend.”

Lantern smiled up at him. “If you wish me too. But stop me if I drag on for too long.”

Retos lay back into the ropes to listen, and gazed ahead into the violet skies, as the ship trundled slowly onwards into the oblivion.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 6057
Reviews: 83

Donate
Thu Mar 09, 2017 5:17 am
EscaSkye wrote a review...



Hey, Terian. I won't nit-pick this work; instead, I'll state my general thoughts and observations.

First, I don't see why this has to be a prologue. This could be incorporated into the main body of text than be separate from it. Here's an article written by one of our moderators regarding prologues. I hope you find it useful.

Second, while I appreciate your descriptions (and they are lovely, by the way), it gets to the point that it becomes dragging and excessive. This happens a lot in the first three/four paragraphs. Try to cut it down -- not to the extent that the world you're trying to portray becomes different or vague, but just enough so it flows more with the narrative.

Third, there's sentences that are awkward to read due to commas which aren't necessary. I suffer from this too, so what I do is read it aloud. If it becomes too chunky or choppy, take that comma off. Also, there's a part where you forgot to place a punctuation in your dialogue. This one:

“Retos, you’ve been at it for hours.” The other said. “Why not let me take the wheel for a while”


Here's another resource for punctuation within dialogue, written by Demeter. There's moments while I read your work that I feel the article would help you.

For the positives, you're setting up an interesting setting; same with your characters. I don't know them well, but I can see myself wondering about what's going to happen since I feel like the twins are lovable guys. Lantern seems that way too.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Good luck on the next chapters!




Terian805 says...


Thanks a lot for your feedback. I read the article about the prologue and feel as if most of the criteria applied to this. This won't be the setting of the main body of the story, but will lead on to it.



User avatar
116 Reviews


Points: 5240
Reviews: 116

Donate
Wed Mar 08, 2017 9:22 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



Greetings! I will start with the criticism first, then onto the positives.

'The deck, however, was surprisingly sparse of individuals, save a cloaked figure who stood motionless at the helm.' Is the correct way to say that.

'The man was built like a bull, with a windswept beard across his face, and tanned, rugged features resulting from years spent travelling among the skies, His fingers gripped the wheel with the strength of an old friend, as he narrowly manoeuvred through the blinding glow of a shard.' As for this, I think you meant to put a period instead of a comma between 'the skies' and "His fingers" so just fix that error.

'The man heard footsteps on wood, behind him, and turned just for a moment to see another man standing at his side, hood thrown back, and tangled black hair streaming in the wind.' Is the correct way to say that.

'Retos chuckled quietly' the adverb seems superfluous, so I'd suggest you delete it.

Also, when punctuating dialogue such as “Retos, you’ve been at it for hours.” The other said. “Why not let me take the wheel for a while”, it should be “Retos, you’ve been at it for hours,” the other said. “Why not let me take the wheel for a while?"
The same applies to “Good thank you.” She replied." Which should be “Good. Thank you," she replied.'

This also applies to “Less than you might think.” Lantern said vaguely.' Because it should be “Less than you might think,” Lantern said vaguely.

I could go on, but I think you got the gist of it by now.

'Retos stood towering over her, struggling for something to say.' It would be better to say 'Retos towered over her, struggling for something to say.'

'Retos and he, had hardly extracted more than ten words from her since the beginning of the journey.' For this, delete the comma between 'he' and 'had hardly'

“I’m already fucking bored already." For this, delete one "already".

That's all the criticism I have to offer. Overall, I think this was a good way to start the story and eager await more, keep writing! :)




Terian805 says...


Thanks very much for your points!




A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl