No one understands, don't know why;
For what reason should folks look me in the eye,
And spit awful words,
That makes me eye heart race and brain swells.
I lived life for myself,by myself and of myself,
Yet they beckoned me from my shell,
Listening to reason,i followed,wits with fault;
Receiving mild insults
Even mental assaults-
I didn't cry,
Or ask why,
Just returned nothing,wishing I could die
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey, fellow... person!
I like lines 3, 5-6, 10-11.
"For what reason should folks look me in the eye," you can just say "why should..." It's too wordy otherwise. I guess you did not want it to match with the last word of the previous line, but I think you should take out "don't know why," it's not powerful and makes me think you're just trying to rhyme.
I agree with mongoose about the fourth line, it doesn't make sense.
How can you live life "of" yourself?
Period after 6th line.
"wits with fault?" I don't understand.
Comma after 8th line.
"Mild insults" doesn't sound bad, and then you say "even ....." which implies "something horrific, and then ON TOP OF THAT......" But there's nothing horrific to begin with.
I don't agree with mongoose about the hyphen, I think it connects to the next line, when you don't need it explicitly. It is obvious.
"wishing I could die" you COULD die, there's nothing to wish about. maybe "I would die?"
Overall, truly nice work. Happy writing!
Thank you!! I appreciate the time you spent in writing this review.
Sorry if I sounded too critical, I really DO like the poem!
Hi Mongoose here to review,
Wow, this is really powerful, I like how you used your rhyming only at the beginning and end of the poem it highlights he beginning of a journey to the end of one really well. The use of a hyphen at the end of the tenth line is really useful as well, it also makes your point of assault really stand out, like the word really has a meaning behind it which is good.
The fourth line however
'That makes me eye heart race and brain swells.'
This to me doesn't make much sense, should it say:
That makes my heart race and brain swell.
or have I just interpreted it incorrectly?
Also, one more little niggle: 'i followed,wits with fault;' Needs a capitalised 'I', but other than that it's great!
The last line is really good though, to end using enjambment is really good, You'v ended on death, yet not finished, it's left open ended without the full stop. this to me opens up the door to the reader and gets them guessing on how the poem ends and how the writer's emotions here are too left unfinished. Almost as if they are allowing the reader to define their fate, life or death, in a sense of the incomplete.
Overall I really liked this poem, it's charged with emotion and written well. Thankyou for posting it with us TegaEdais:P
I truely can't say how glad I am.Thanks for your advice