Like his grandma’s broom,
His head hairs stood straight;
At attention!
His sunken-eyed face fitted hideously
In a large, shapeless ball.
Hunger made his skin thin,
Flaunting an eerie web, just bellow his monstrous jaw.
His palms were blacker than his
Charcoal-colored teeth.
During this boy’s nap-time,
When the day wasted away,
And the sun shone brightest.
History, reality and folklore jammed in his head,
They conjured his sincerest desire,
Just as he slipped into the swirling perfection of
Death’s Cousin.
In his head was a world.
Just as found in grandma’s stories.
He saw the old bald Eagle and Mr Tortoise
And a host of many other great birds in feast.
He saw all this from far below
And said “I should be there”;
From that moment on, he sought for a way,
Failing woefully all the way.
But the aroma of heaven’s feast
Pinched mercilessly at his nose.
This boy wasn’t about to give up.
The old Eagle saw this boy,
His plight and his emaciated frame.
In a great flight it thundered down,
Scooping the boy up, hurling him into the clouds.
He heard his grandma call, he looked down and saw her
displaying her gum.
His success made her happy,
feasting in the clouds wasn't child’s play.
He sat with wise Tortoise and
The mighty falcons, and
The scary owls and the humble doves.
The food was magical,
For as he ate,
His skin grew fatter,
And his sunken face gained flesh.
Times and times, seasons after seasons he feasted;
The old bald Eagle died- willing his kingdom to the boy.
Soon, the boy became King Of The Clouds, with a lovely crown on his head, and a silvery scepter in his hand.
When heaven became too full with food,
He caused them to rain on the earth.
The people sang praise, chanting his name.
By the way, it was all a dream, remember?
The boy woke up very hungry,
He stirred violently on the bed
Hoping to get back to his dream, to being the King.
His grandma entered the hut:
“Effiong get up.” she commanded,
“The old bald Eagle is looking for you”
He stared, fixated, heart racing, crippled with excitement, a dream come true!
Too bad!
It’s a dream yet again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I loved your poem!
, for example, doesn't fit in very well. But again, that's just what I feel and I'm no master critic. What I loved the most about this piece was its spectacular ending, it's filled with so many twists that leave you enchanted. The poem highlights the underlying theme of deprivation in a very creative and unique manner.The way you write is just fantabulous... At first glance the poem appears rather whimsical, but it is— in fact —very meaningful. I think certain lines in the beginning need some refinement,
"King Of the Clouds" is definitely one of the best poems I've read on YWS. Great Job and keep writing...
Hello, this is Abhipsa, here to review your work.
I just loved your work! Its an amazing poem, very well thought of and nicely written. The details are very well put in and described. The appearance of the boy and all others. The dream was also beautifully described.
Though there were some parts that I couldn't quite get, apart from that it was a pleasure going through your work.
I loved the ending too. It wasa dream after all and that too a dream in a dream..
Amazing!
Keep writing!
Abhipsa thank you. Please what are the parts you do not understand? It would be very helpful if you tell me.
The second stanza's last three lines are not so clear because you have described sleep to be death's cousin. But why? There is no evil associated to sleep for the boy, is there? In fact in John Keats poem ''A Thing of Beauty'' he has described sleep to be something beautiful. Then in the previous lines
, you have written that all those things made him desire.. but what? That is again unclear.
Anyway, these are only my perceptions. You don't need to get too serious about it.
Hi TegaEdais jessiebear here to review your work and I hope what I say will be of any help to you. And if the review sounds like I am being rood I am very sorry about it.
First of I loved the poem and the riming it is brilliant and it was very creative so well done.
Now to get on with the review.
This mite seem to be a little bit pikey.
But I don't really get these bits.
Like his grandma’s broom,
His head hairs stood straight;
At attention!
Times and times, seasons after seasons he feasted;
The old bald Eagle died- willing his kingdom to the boy
“The old bald Eagle is looking for you”
Those are the bites I don't really get and I think you can boot some more fall stopes in and take out some apostrophes and stuff like that and I hope you no what I mean.
Any way I loved the poem it was fantastic so grate job. And I hope you will Keep on weighting because I am looking for word to reading more of your work. And I hope you will let me now when you have posted another poem so I can review it for you.
Any way I hope you have a fantastic day.
From jessiebear.
Jessie thank you so much. I will check those 'bit' immediately. Thanks.
You are welcome.