Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The sound I heard, a banshee cry, carried an electrifying agony that left my brain charged up: Fight-or-Flight? I chose flight, full throttle, a true Nigerian in distress.
Butterflies gyrated within me as I masterfully jumped over and maneuvered pass tiny lakes formed by potholes and little rain. I heard it again; a reverberating, unbearable hellish scream. It became louder, increased tempo, unbearably louder, louder still, then nothing. Silent nothing. Except the indifferent whistling of crickets, and a furious thumping against my chest, and of my feet against the ground.
The air turned heavy and dry, inhaling became a struggle and my heart threatened to tear off my chest. Yards away, under the silvery moonlight laid a body, a bloody body. A severed neck twisted impossibly, cold unblinking eyes staring endlessly from a sunken familiar face; the familiarity tore me from the inside out.
Hot tears touched the edges of my eyes, as trepidation swirled up in my esophagus. Everything suddenly became a blur of tears and cold flesh and warm blood, and a painful loneliness carrying a desperate plea for a hand to pull me off this dream.
Eyeing a bullet riddled corpse, I can finally call myself a damn good liar. Everyone concluded rape and homicide, I don’t blame them. With a pretty lie, and his semen found inside her, who would say otherwise? Now he has taken my credit for killing her: "Loverboy kills girlfriend, to be executed today" the papers read. I caught a smirk before it formed, it is not proper. My ex-lover is dead, and her killer just executed, I should look sad, shouldn’t I?
P.S: If you enjoyed reading this story, please vote for it through this link
https://prize.etisalat.com.ng/flash-fiction/voteall.php?id=2304 Rjank
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
This is an interesting little start here I think. We've got a lot of pretty interesting stuff going down here with the description surrounding the piece in general and I think it comes together quite nicely to hook us in quite well as readers here. You've managed to do create quite a unique picture in our heads with some of these descriptors and it really does capture the reader's imagination quite well here.
Okayy...well this escalated quite a bit there. At first, it seemed like this person was perhaps just running away from some sort of crazy animal and despite the pretty strong description there for the scream, I didn't really expect things to get too bad, but the pain on display here suggests an entirely different story there, and a very powerful one at that. I think you've really managed nail in a very solid and powerful moment right here.
Well now I'm almost wondering if we're having some sort of a POV shift going on there because the tone of this person really changed and changed suuper fast there. I absolutely did not see a plan like that coming and I have no idea how such a plan was even carried out so smoothly, but it just hits you really powerful quite fast and I think you've really managed to come up with a piece that really leaves an impact on you as a reader. Overall, you've really done a great job of creating a rather powerful little moment here with a neat little twist and its just one of those stories that leaves a proper impression on you as a reader.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm here to review your story. I enjoyed it alot. Mainly because of it's decriptive language and the way you started it abruptly continuing with overwhelming imagery.
hope you continue writing new works.
Phrases like "Banshee cry", "unbearable hellish scream", "whistling of crickets", "furious thumping against my chest.." created audible imagery which clearly was suggestive of the narrator's agitation. And visual imagery like "silvery moonlight" envisions what the setting is like.
The emotionally charged words used were effective in conveying the psychological and physical situation that the narrator goes through. The negative connotations like "cold", "bloody", and "killing" creates a melancholic tone. Yet the last paragraph doesn't seem to have the exact same tone. Rather it shows a callous tone since the brutal nature of him is heightened.
The questions raised ("..who should say otherwise?, "I should look sad, shouldn't I?") Awaken the reader to focus and involve in the story even more.
Though the title suggests that the lover himself killed the girl, to me it's a bit unclear about the person who is suspected of killing her. The brief introduction to the suspect leaves me confused. Despite my inability to comprehend that part, I'm really interested in the story.
Overall it was fascinating with it's flow of language.
Thanks! I tried clearing questions about the culprit with the line "Now he has taken my credit for killing her" I guess it is not too clear though, thanks for the review. And I hope you clicked the link under. You can click the link to support this story by voting it in a story contest. Thank you
Thanks! I tried clearing questions about the culprit with the line "Now he has taken my credit for killing her" I guess it is not too clear though, thanks for the review. And I hope you clicked the link under. You can click the link to support this story by voting it in a story contest. Thank you
I'm here to review your story. I enjoyed it alot. Mainly because of it's decriptive language and the way you started it abruptly continuing with overwhelming imagery.
hope you continue writing new works.
Phrases like "Banshee cry", "unbearable hellish scream", "whistling of crickets", "furious thumping against my chest.." created audible imagery which clearly was suggestive of the narrator's agitation. And visual imagery like "silvery moonlight" envisions what the setting is like.
The emotionally charged words used were effective in conveying the psychological and physical situation that the narrator goes through. The negative connotations like "cold", "bloody", and "killing" creates a melancholic tone. Yet the last paragraph doesn't seem to have the exact same tone. Rather it shows a callous tone since the brutal nature of him is heightened.
The questions raised ("..who should say otherwise?, "I should look sad, shouldn't I?") Awaken the reader to focus and involve in the story even more.
Though the title suggests that the lover himself killed the girl, to me it's a bit unclear about the person who is suspected of killing her. The brief introduction to the suspect leaves me confused. Despite my inability to comprehend that part, I'm really interested in the story.
Overall it was fascinating with it's flow of language.
Hey there!! Samk642 popping in for a review!!
First things first.
HOLY CHEESEBALLS BATMAN!!! That was some fantastic description use. I love how you were so great at describing such I small details, and still keep the story goining
You also do a good job in the beginning at keeping the main characters' identity secret. All we know that some guy killed the ex of main character, so, good job!!!
The only thing that I didn't like about it is that it does seem to cram down information a lot in the beginning. It took me a second read through the beginning to get a clear idea.
All in all, I liked it, and want to see more of the story!!
Thank you for your encouragement. I trust you clicked the link. And I'm curious about what you meant by the first paragraph being crammed with information.
I am just used to a different type of opening, most of the time I like to open with a bit of opening narration from third person. But, you know, that's just me!!! I like your story!!
Although I was wrong in saying the first paragraph, I meant the beginning of second. I'm just a more blunt person. That's it