SHADOW
Wherever i go
the way i dont know
i dont care
because everything will just be fair
never ever in my nightmare
will i be all alone.
Since the sun rises i get a friend
who never speaks just accompanies
its been a long time since we are together
and will stay as we are best friends forever!
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140,139 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi,
I was attracted with the long title and here I am sitting on a chair. And as for you information, I will review this like I review a poem. Like mialynire said, why you put this on the short story section whilst this is actually better off to be a poem. If you insisted that this is a short story, that's fine for me but not for everyone. >;<
Overall comment, this is cute like magenta. I don't know why, but I just have a feeling that this relates to me.
>;< >;< THE REVIEW STARTS HERE >;< >;<
Firstly, I see that you got some problems with YWS formatting. I am sorry I couldn't say much about it although I know some way to fix it.
Anyway, I liked this part!:
All I think flow well and connect with each other. And plus! you don't exactly said that the shadow is the persona's friend except for the title. That is, for me, VERY CUTE and GOOD. And of course, this poem has a very melancholic feeling in it. So deep and at the last line, I have a feeling that the persona is like lonely and she/he tried to entertain himself/herself. So touchy. I almost like want to cry when I recited this again with a sad tune... *cried
Aha! A shadow as a metaphor is brilliant! Although it seems sad when the person is with me but couldn't talk or touch me and if I tried to go near it, it will step away...awe...sob..sob.
Moving on, I think I found a hole or two.
First, the thing you need to improve is the usage of punctuation. I don't want to say much, but put it in your head. Punctuation helps!
Next, the second hole is the first line. You started with this,
I don't think this is part of the poem, but as a title. Otherwise, remove it.
Third, the way you express the
I don't really mind the "dont" things, but the thing I warn you is please don't you use this phrases. Firstly, because these are nothing. They explain the oblivious things you got in your poem. I wish you'd avoid this in the future. Sprinkle some descriptions.
>;< >;< IN A NUTSHELL >;< >;<
Lastly, the bittersweet ends here and don't try to define love........(I know I'm now writing gibberish.....)
This poem or this short story or whatever you called it can be more interesting if you revise this more and more and more. People won't hate at your simply by your mistake at putting this poem on the short story section. Yet, of course, if there is some message you want to convey in this poem by putting this on this section, then, that's so fine. Thanks for the writing. I must say I'm impressed. If I could ask, where you get this inspiration from? Ha, keep writing!
~Nicol.
P/s: SHADOW
thanks a bunch for your suggestions!!!
yeah i realised it after posting that this is came into the short story section where actually its a poem!
thanks a lot!! for sparing so much of time for my work..
No problem!
As the first reviewer said in the reply box after his/her reply, you can edit by clicking the "edit work" button under the "tool" at the right.
~
Hello there mate!
It was a pleasure reading this!
Welcome to the site! And, I think I should leave a quick review for you! XD
First, tell me why it is a "Short story" because it looks more like a poem.. :3 I mean the structure. And, then, your title, ah well, it's fine, it's little long and not everyone’s gonna like it but it should be okay. Now again in your work, you've written "dont" in some places. Is it a typo or just some structural issue? :3 Um.. I'm not sure.
Anyway, it's good overall.
Have a great day!
~ Nire!
Thanks a lot!!! I will consider all your valuable suggestion next time!
Okay, gonna leave you a review!
Firstly, I love what you chose to write about. The idea of your shadow being your lifelong friend, gives me feelings of sadness and emptiness all in one. Your poem actually makes a lot of sense to me, though I had to read it a few time before I understood. I actually really love how you chose to word this poem. And how the beginning kind of started off with shorter phrases, and then gradually got longer. Whether or not you did that deliberately, I think it gave this poem a more interesting flow. I feel like this peice is simple, and yet somehow elaborately artistic.
My only suggestions would be to capitalize the beginning of each new line, and get rid of the period at the end of the 6th line, simply because you didn't do this with other lines. But that's completely up to you, as poetry forms are entirely up to the writer. I just think it would make it appear more appealing. And, perhaps adding more metaphors and/or descriptive details within the poem, will make it more interesting. While I like the simplistic nature of this poem, it may help to just add a few details. Lastly, I think it would greatly benefit you to make a shorter title. The poem itself is short, and metaphorical, so perhaps do the same with the title.
So, other than that I think your poem is great! I look forward to reading more of your work!
thanks a lot! btw the title actually i thought we had to give the descripition along and so the title is just shadow but sine this is my first submission i just messed up a bit! and thanks for all your suggestions..
lots of love..
No problem! In case you don't know, just click the edit submission button, and you should be able to rename your poem.