Evil Ex

by Sunflowerdemon3712

Published September 23, 2023

Language

In Newer stories

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BEFORE YOU READ:

I LIVE! Sorry for lowkey dying, getting knee surgery and starting school lowkey kicked my ass. Anyway here have the first chapter of on of my WIPs! Please feel free to leave a review telling me what you think! Peace out!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Escaping the evil warlord Medos had once called a wife had been the easy part, planning how he would raise their child was far more difficult. The escape had almost been an ordered dismissal. His wife slowly becoming more and more distant from him and their child, by the time they and her brother were taking one of the ships and bolting to the next planet out of her grasp, she’d already nearly gouged his eye out.

They had landed over a year ago his eye bleeding vision flooded with specks, his daughter wailing and screaming while her uncle desperately tried to calm her while calling for help. Now he sits in his apartment bills staring at him burning into his chest as he clings onto them tears tracking his cheeks as he begs for anything to go right.

Their apartment is tiny, at least compared to what most would consider acceptable in the capital city Evangeline. Still he could barely afford it, jobs keep slipping through his fingers every time they learn of his past relationship and without his degree transferred into the city systems yet he can do nothing but retail and customer service work until the systems have mercy on him.

He looks at his bank account, and at the bills, he could go without dinner for a bit and send Diomeda to her uncle Savvas until he got things figured out. It was easier when she was a little baby, now she’s walking and speaking and worst of all… understanding. He knows without an explanation now she might ask why she’s randomly being sent to her uncle, and theres no way in the galaxy that he’s telling her.

“Apa?” He turns from his seat at the kitchen island to see his daughter wrapped tightly in a soft purple blanket.

“Hi baby girl, are you okay?” She never usually wakes up after hs’es put to bed.

“Cold,” She mutters, shuffling closer.

“Oh sweetie come here, are you getting sick?” He scoops her up onto his lap, she seems so small but Savvas said most of the times their cubs stay small for the first few years before shooting up. “You don’t feel too hot or cold,” He says, pressing fingers to her neck like Savvas has taught him.

“Warm now,” She mutters laying her face on his chest.

“You’re okay now?” He asks rubbing her back as she snuggles closer.

“Mhm, you’re warm ‘apa,”

With that he soon hears the soft noise she makes once she’s drifted back to sleep. He yawns the ache of running on not even three hours of sleep catching up to him. He does his best to adjust Diomeda so he could carry her back to bed.

As he tried to set her down though her tiny little claws dug into his chest and her eyes fluttered open briefly. He sighs, deciding tonight he wouldn’t fight it and instead just lets her sleep curled on top of him. As he lays there Diomeda snoring peacefully he can’t help the constant thoughts racking his brain, he really hopes she isn’t getting sick, while medical bills are mostly covered in Evangeline even the littlest bit would probably tip them over the edge. He sighs deciding to let it be for now hoping that it’d go away.

.oOo.

It didn’t go away in fact Medos would say Diomeda had started acting stranger than before. At first it was simple things, he curling up next to him while he watched a comedy special and giggling despite not understanding a single joke, randomly talking about being warm or cold when they were at the grocery store and the list goes on and on. But it wasn’t until one night after work when he picked her up from daycare after work that he finally grew concerned enough to confront his brother in-law with the dilemma.

Diomeda was begging to go on the swing as they were passing the playground on the way back home. Medos was tired, work had kept him an extra hour today and he just wanted to go home and collapse, but as he looked at her smiling face and the empty toddler swing he nods. She smiles and thanks him which eases the mess of emotions sitting in his chest ever so slightly.

There weren’t all to many other people at the playground so as Medos began to push her and she asked to go extra high he obliged. Running under the swing and smiling as she giggled cheering and smiling as he waits for her to get a little lower before giving another push. As he stands pushing her though he suddenly hears a scoff from the swing over.

“Why in the name would you bring something like it here!” The mother hisses in a low voice as Medos pushes Diomeda. “Do you know what that is!”

“Excuse me, that's my daughter you’re talking about,” He spits flatly when suddenly Diomeda lets out a yelp.

“Ouch,” She hisses, clutching at her chest.

Medos stops the swing almost immediately as Diomeda puts a hand to her chest clutching the fabric of her dress tightly. He glances around, there was nothing that could have hit her, she doesn’t seem like she’s bleeding, as he puts a hand to her chest her heart beat feels normal. But still she has tears in her eyes as he picks her up out of the swing.

She lightens her grip a bit as she grabs Medos’s fingers while they walk away, tears still filling her golden eyes.

“Thank the gods, that thing shouldn’t be allowed out you know who her mother is?” Medos balls his free fist as he hears the other mother laugh.

“She’s not even three!” He shouts back at them causing the laughter to promptly die.

Slowly as they get further from the park he dials Savvas’ number as Diomeda drops her hand from her chest allowing a short wave of relief to wash over him as the phone rings. As he’s about to hang up while setting Diomeda down on a bench a voice float through the phone.

“Good evening Medos,” His far to calm voice meets his ears.

“Hey Savvas there’s uh… something going on with Diomeda and I don’t know if its normal alien stuff or something I should be worried about!” His voice picks up the panic he’d been feeling. “She’s been acting weird recently and something happened at the park and I don’t know what to do!”

“Hm why don’t you bring her over, the doctor is close if she does need to go anyhow,” To most they wouldn’t have heard the slight shift in the other man's voice but Medos had, he knows his brother in-law, despite his uptight demeanor he worries probably just as much as Medos does.

“I’ll be over in a few.”

Taking the train with Diomeda was always difficult, she hated all the noise and people tended to be less than pleasant, but she’s already clearly upset so they walk instead. Savvas apartment is a one floor communal apartment center, his research and mental prowess was known across the galaxy so getting a job at one of Evangeline’s research centers was a piece of cake for him despite his sister.

He welcomes them in with tea for Medos and some apple juice for Diomeda who almost immediately ignores them to play with the block toys Savvas keeps for her when she comes over. They settle at the dining room table keeping Diomeda in their slights. Medos’s hands shake as he attempts to take a sip of his herbal tea instead simply setting it back on the table till his nerves are calmed. Savvas did his best to calm Medos, through simple reassurance at first but that clearly wasn’t the path that would work.

“Brother she will be alright I assure you Aspherian cubs are very resilient,” Savvas reassures him patting his shaking hand.

“Savvas please I need to be sure she’s not sick or…,” Tears well in his eyes, he can’t lose Diomeda she’s one of the last things he has, the thing that pushes him to keep trying.

“I… fine, close your eyes,”

Medos clutches his eyes close immediately, he can still see the burning light even through his eyelids. His brother in-law, like all Aspherians, has extremely powerful magic beyond that of most beings in the known galaxy. Though Savvas has a power slightly different from the typical Aspherian might, possessing the ability to read people's auras, spreading their powers and personalities out like a map in his mind when he opens what he’s nicknamed his Second Eyes.

The light dies down and Medos opens his eyes which quickly dart towards Savaas who has a sympathetic look on his face. Medos feels the muscles in his shoulders tighten as the other man lets out a long sigh leaning forward elbows on the table.

“Her powers have started emerging. Already-,” He pauses taking a sip of tea as Medos stares at him, “-typically powers don’t emerge until cubs are six or seven, she is young and the worst part… an empath.”

“An empath? Like you?”

Medos can’t say he’s very familiar with the names of powers, he was raised by humans, humans who believed magic was just ridiculous myths or political pulls by other planets. His family had insisted to him young that magic was nonsense and that humans would have figured it out by now if it truly did exist. He learned all to quickly his family was part of a small sum of people who believed such, they just didn’t want to consider that humans truly just may not be as special as they believe themselves to be.

“I am not an empath, I see auras, empathy is feeling the emotions of others and judging from what you’ve told me it’s likely she might feel the emotions in other ways too,” Savvas explains as Medos fiddles with the bangle on his wrist. “But it’s odd her aura almost seems incomplete, as if pieces are missing, it’s not nonexistent like yours but…,”

“Could it be genetic?” He asks but Savvas simply shrugs.

“My dear Medos no one in our families history has ever had a child outside our own species, and you well you're a mystery among your own kind if I’m not mistaken?” Savvas notes making Medos shift in his seat, skin suddenly feel tight on his bones.

“Well I’m… we’re pretty sure I’m-well we…” He trails off, he wants to say it say he’s a person, a human, a perfectly normal man from the planet Gaia but he can’t.

“It’s alright, you do not need to know yourself quite yet, human or not you have time,” Savvas puts a hand on Medos’s arm giving a soft smile, eyes crinkling at the sides. “You and Diomeda will be alright, if you ever need anything you always have me,”

“Thank you Savvas.”

“Of course brother.”  

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Ventomology
Review
Ventomology wrote a review Review · Sep 25, 2023

Heyyy! This was an interesting read. I love how you've totally forgone a lot of the exposition that might set up the world in this story in favor of letting the dialogue and plot imply all of the world-building with the aliens and sci-fi elements. A+ work there.

Now then, let's get into the areas of improvement.

I think it will be worth it for you to clean up your sentence structure and syntax to be grammatically correct. I know that in creative writing we don't have to be correct all of the time--a well-placed sentence fragment can do a heck of a lot--but correct syntax and punctuation give clarity to writing. In the same way that our skeletons give all our organs and muscley bits a frame to make us sturdy, correct grammar gives structure to your writing that allows the words to be used to their fullest.

The first paragraph is already an example of where grammar will help you; that first sentence is a run-on, actually, with two complete subject-verb sections. If you split it into two sentences, you can correct the run-on by using the period and space to add drama, or you could keep them connected (and start the piece off looking very cerebral) with a semi-colon. For someone reading the work, this minor correction will allow them to understand the sentence more clearly--peoppe who know the rules use them to great effect as shorthand to quickly understand the content. I had to stop while reading because I didn't expect a full, complete sentence after the comma.

The third sentence of paragraph one is not even actually a sentence. It's a present verb participle phrase, a prepositional phrase, and a subject-verb sentence all standing together in a very tall trench coat. (You could alter the first phrase to be a sentence, split it out with a period or with an 'and,' and then leave the prep phrase and sentence together. The reason the participle phrase doesn't work is largely because of the prepositional phrase standing between it and the subject of the entire sentence.)

I think the goal of all writing is to accurately convey your ideas and intent, and correct grammar acts as a framework that we all share and can use to assist in that conveyance.

The other improvement I think would help you is to include more setting detail. I don't think you need to devote entire paragraphs to it--this is a short story, after all, and I do like the implied nature of the setting. But what about this world is cosmetically different from ours? If there are aliens, and people all know about it, then this is sci-fi-adjacent, so does the playground still look like a twenty-first century structure? Does the architecture of this world and time differ from ours? A little bit can go a long way.

Last thing. I love the names you've picked. The Greek-sound gives them a very coherent feeling, like they are all from the same language, while also making them unique and not of our own world and time. Very cool.

Hope this helps,
-Vento

User avatar
NadyaStatham
Review
NadyaStatham wrote a review Review · Sep 23, 2023

Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

This was quite a nice read. I love the concept along with the various characters you've introduced. You have a great story going on here with amazing dialogues. I would suggest choosing a more descriptive title, this one comes over quite humorous, which is not a bad thing at all.I saw that you placed this under a short story, but with a cliffhanger like that. Gosh, I would definitely recommend you to continue this story. IF that's your wish of course.

Areas to Improve:✒️

Try and make it clearer who is speaking when, because over here I got a little confused. In the first part I get that another woman is talking, but who actually? Is it a stranger? That's a bit vague to be honest, because you said the mother. And after that you immediately mention SHE hisses. At first I thought you meant the woman, because she was absolutely disgusted by Diomeda.

“Why in the name would you bring something like it here!” The mother hisses in a low voice as Medos pushes Diomeda. “Do you know what that is!”

“Excuse me, that's my daughter you’re talking about,” He spits flatly when suddenly Diomeda lets out a yelp.
“Ouch,” She hisses, clutching at her chest.


~~~
Over here you mentioned twice that Diomeda started crying. Just a small thing I thought i'd point out.

But still she has tears in her eyes as he picks her up out of the swing.

She lightens her grip a bit as she grabs Medos’s fingers while they walk away, tears still filling her golden eyes.


~~~
Here, I think it's a bit unclear that Medos is called Savvas. You mentioned HIS two times and that can be a little confusing.

For example
Before
“Good evening Medos,” His far to calm voice meets his ears.

“Hey Savvas there’s uh… something going on with Diomeda and I don’t know if its normal alien stuff or something I should be worried about!” His voice picks up the panic he’d been feeling. “She’s been acting weird recently and something happened at the park and I don’t know what to do!”


After
“Good evening Medos,” Savvas his far too calm voice meets Medos his ears.

“Hey Savvas there’s uh… something going on with Diomeda and I don’t know if it’s normal alien stuff or something I should be worried about!” Medos his voice picks up the panic he’d been feeling. “She’s been acting weird recently and something happened at the park and I don’t know what to do!”


~~~
Here you should place commas after the names. I suggest you do a grammar check just in case there are some more grammar errors.

Before
“Brother she will be alright I assure you Aspherian cubs are very resilient,” Savvas reassures him patting his shaking hand.

“Savvas please I need to be sure she’s not sick or…,” Tears well in his eyes, he can’t lose Diomeda she’s one of the last things he has, the thing that pushes him to keep trying.


After
“Brother, she will be alright, I assure you, Aspherian cubs are very resilient,” Savvas reassures him, patting his shaking hand.

“Savvas, please, I need to be sure she’s not sick or…,” Tears well in his eyes, he can’t lose Diomeda, she’s one of the last things he has, the thing that pushes him to keep trying.


~
Before
“My dear Medos no one in our families history has ever had a child outside our own species, and you well you're a mystery among your own kind if I’m not mistaken?” Savvas notes making Medos shift in his seat, skin suddenly feel tight on his bones.

“Well I’m… we’re pretty sure I’m-well we…” He trails off, he wants to say it say he’s a person, a human, a perfectly normal man from the planet Gaia but he can’t.

“It’s alright, you do not need to know yourself quite yet, human or not you have time,” Savvas puts a hand on Medos’s arm giving a soft smile, eyes crinkling at the sides. “You and Diomeda will be alright, if you ever need anything you always have me,”


After
“My dear Medos, no one in our families history has ever had a child outside our own species, and you well you're a mystery among your own kind, if I’m not mistaken?” Savvas notes, making Medos to shift in his seat, his skin suddenly feels tight on his bones.

“Well, I’m… we’re pretty sure. I’m-well, we…” He trails off, he wants to say that he’s a person, a human, a perfectly normal man from the planet Gaia but he can’t.

“It’s alright, you do not need to know yourself quite yet, human or not you have time,” Savvas puts a hand on Medos’s arm giving a soft smile, eyes crinkling at the sides. “You and Diomeda will be alright, if you ever need anything you always have me,”


Nailed It!💐

I love good chosen names and you really did it with Savvas, Medos and Diomeda. I saw what you did over there with Diomeda's name. I don't know if that was intentional, but it's a pretty good detail.

Medos
Diomeda

I suppose her mother was named something like, Diomira, Dioraya or perhaps something else. Be sure to let me know what her name was, I am curious.

Overall Feelings:

I think this was a nice short read, which I would definitely recommend to continue or make part two, but that's totally up to you. I know that this is a very beautiful concept with cool characters waiting to be developed a little more. But apart from that, good job!

Be sure to check out…📔🔖

Shadow's Rising: Prologue by @dragonight9

This author has one of the best writing styles I know with great grammar and punctuation. If you can learn from anyone this is the story you should definitely check out.

10 years ago...


]Jarid winced as the door slammed behind him. He knew that his father, Simon, didn’t really want to hurt him, but in his drunken state, being kicked out of the house wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.

Jarid wished his father didn’t drink so much, but of course, he also understood why. It was barely six years since his mother Adalinda had died in a dragon attack, and the pain of losing not only her but the entire village where they used to live, weighed heavily on him.


Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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while she was studying the ways of pasta he was studying the ways of the sword
— soundofmind