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140,929 Literary Works • 673,752 Reviews
Stellabeam,
I would like to greet you as I am new to Young Writers Society, I hope that I will be able to read more of your poetry.
Now, for the review...
I love how you keep it short, simple, and easy to remember. However, there are a few things that need correcting, or at least in my opinion need correcting. You may do what you wish with my review.
First off in the first stanza,
"The clouds grew fingers,
Dark and feathery thin.
The heavens grasping for our human souls"
You need a comma on the second line so that it will read, "Dark and feathery thin,"
The third sentence of the first stanza needs a period at the end of it.
Secondly, the second stanza needs a comma on the first line. Other than that it is good. Also in the third stanza you need commas on each line except the last one.
Now normally I would advise that you try and keep all of your stanza's the same length as the first line, sometimes making them one line longer but never less. However I rather like your three-two-four pattern. In this poem it works quite well.
In short a wonderful poem I thoroughly enjoyed.
NHNT
This started off which such promising imagery. I saw that first line in the description and thought 'this has to be good', so I came quickly.
But the we jumped to this;
Eh.
I thought you were going in a different direction. A sort of deep and menacing description of clouds that you start off with pulling all the way through. Like, when a tornado erupts, the hands burst forth and strangle trees and houses and what not.
But you take on this cul-de-sac tone that completely sinks the original imagery. I don't know if I particularly like the poem as a whole for the idea of life and death added in. It's a superficial ideology and extremely hard to take an original tone on. Which is why I could see the need for those first two lines, but it still seems almost imperative that you could have gone somewhere really cool with this and just decided not to.
Mind you, the last stanza had a rather devious tone in which I liked. Nothing like a bunch of big black clouds swinging their hands and laughing to give someone the shivers.
Nonetheless, I still see a lot more you could do with this.
Anyways, keep writing. It was awesome to see such refreshing imagery, and to see you jump up and out with such an interesting way of adding in imagery to a rather superficial topic. After all, everything has a level of superficiality. It is our job, as poets, to try and break away from it as far as we possibly can.
Much love,
~Walker
Hey,
this is a nice interesting poem! The only thing i can think of is that it is to short! Maybe add a few more lines just to tie it all together!
I loved "Immortality for none Death for all"
I thought that line was great and that is started to tell more of a story. I think that you should expanned on the idea!
Good job!
This is an interesting poem here, though, I find it a bit short and lacking but that's probably just me. Really, what I find in your poem is that you're only really describing the clouds in a more artistic manner.
For direct edits, I'd reccomend that you remove the "Dark and", and just leave the "feathery (and) thin". That has a bit of a nice, poetic ring to it. Also, I don't know what's going on with the last line in the first stanza. For some reason, it feels really out of place. I'd reccomend rewriting it. Other than that, I see no need for direct edits. One thing tat I don't like, is the last line. Though, as I read over it more, it sort of fits in.
I like the literary techniques used in te poem. It shows that you are well versed in te way of the word. The personification really helps me relate to the clouds in a way, and understand what you are trying to convey.
My favourite stanza is the second stanza. I like how it's sharp, direct, and pulls my attention to it. Though, I'm not really sure about how it relates to the rest of the poem, could you explain it? It doesn't really matter if you can't as long as you know how it relates as it is you work of art.
Enjoy your review!
- noni >( ==)
I really like this poem. Its length is effective and your imagery is really great. Sorry I don't have time to talk more about it now, but I think it's really great and I can't think of anything bad about it. I will read this again I'm sure. Well done!