Not even 10 minutes later, they were pulling up to a home that was practically identical to Hankel's. The patio steps were rusty and wooden and the door frame was an off-white color, covered with dirt. The land had to be at least as big as Hankel's, if not bigger. He really is trying to be like Tobias. Reid thought as he and the team exited their black SUV's. Wasting no time, Hotch called them over towards to patio steps, as they got their bullet-proof vests strapped on, and began to give orders.
"Okay, I want Morgan and Prentiss to check out the back and search the land. JJ and Reid can go through the front of the house, and Rossi and I will go through the back. Got it?"
"Got it." Morgan replied while the others simply nodded.
As the others began to disperse, Reid began heading towards the steps in the front of the house, when JJ caught his arm, stopping him.
"What's wrong?" he urgently asked. They were about to raid a suspect's home after all! What could be so important that she couldn't wait until later for?
"Can we not split up this time?" she pleaded. Oh my God. I didn't think about what she must be going through....reliving everything.....just like I am.....How can I be so selfish?! How can I be so...self absorbed! But instead of saying any of this he just smiled. It was a nice smile. It was a comforting, sympathetic smile. It said: I know what you're going through.
"Of course," he replied, and they headed towards the front door.
JJ knocked on the door and shouted "FBI, OPEN UP!" When no one answered they backed up and Reid kicked the door open, leading themselves into the home.
They went through the kitchen, living room, bedrooms, and dining room, shouting "clear" to their other team members. The only room left to clear was, what looked like, a spare room.
As Reid kicked down the door, everything seemed to happened in slow motion. The room was filled with computers lining up across the walls of the square room. There was a desk near one wall of the room, with a chair underneath it. As Reid began to enter the room, JJ being right behind him, he stared at the computers, dumbstruck. This can't be happening. This cannot be happening!!! His breathing began to pick up its pace, and he dropped his gun onto the floor, ignoring the pleas from JJ to tell her what was wrong.
All he could do was think about the girl on the screen. That wavy, brown-haired 15-year old girl on all of those computer screens. He took her. He had done the one thing anyone could do to break Reid. He took his little sister.
A/N:
*Again, I know this is still short, but I promise the next one will be longer!!!!*
End of chapter
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here to leave a quick review on this.
I know you realize this already, but you're right - this is much shorter than the average chapter should be. However, I don't think you necessarily need to continue the scene to make it longer, rather, your problem is something else. You need more detail.
As a reader, I want to know what happens when they approach the house. I want to know what they're expecting to find in there. I want to feel the knot of tension in Reid's stomach as he knocks on the door. Don't be afraid to spend time in what's supposed to be a tense scene - that's how you build the suspense. Right now, it's just one beat after the other with no time in between.
I also felt that some of Reid's internal thoughts read a bit strangely, particularly during his exchange with JJ. It felt a bit over the top. Try to tone it down a little bit, and make it less repetitive.
I was confused at the end - first of all, it seems surprising to me that the computers wouldn't have locked already and that they would still be frozen on the image of his sister. Also, I found it a bit confusing that he knows for sure they took his sister when all that's happened is he's seen her picture on their screens.
At the end, though, I liked how you described his reaction to seeing that his sister was taken. It felt realistic and not overly dramatic.
The last thing I'll say is watch out for typos - there were a few I saw.
And that's all I've got for you! Good luck with this novel, assuming you're still working on it.
Hey! I finally have a minute to spare, so I can get right into this chapter.
See you next chapter!
Yes! The plot thickens at last! It doesn't really matter that this chapter is short, because in this case it leaves readers waiting for more. Awesome cliffhanger! The use of Reid's sister at the end was pretty much what I imagined would happen sooner or later (although I wouldn't have guessed the killer would go for his sister. My money was still on Morgan). I'm so wondering what exactly this killer knows about Reid and the Hankel case -- a lot more than the team initially thought, that's for sure.
You're right -- this is a whole new dilemma that Reid and the team have to face. Keep going! You're doing great with this plot.
No nitpicks except one possible typo. "Relieving everything" should become "reliving everything". That part was quite emotional, by the way, which is usually a good touch in any work.
This will be a short review because this chapter is short and I don't have a lot to say.
~Bella~