The rest of the school day passed drearily. Val imagined that if she were a cartoon character, there would have been a storm cloud over her head, flashing lightning at anyone who dared to get too close.
When the final bell rang, she walked the few blocks from the school to the Artifact Museum. Normally she would've met up with Mira outside of Mira's last class, but Val wasn't sure just how she felt about her best friend right now. It wasn't Mira's fault, but still…
Caleb was already there, leaning against one of the railings on the steps leading up to the museum. He glanced up from his phone and gave Val a small wave. Val nodded back.
The two of them stood there in silence for a moment. Caleb coughed a few times, as if he was about to say something to break the ice, but whatever words he had planned seemed to die before they escaped his mouth. For Val's part, she was satisfied with simply gazing at the museum, trying not to feel pained by the memories it brought back.
There were the great brass doors, carved with scenes of Chosen Ones slaying monsters and rescuing shining artifacts. There were pictures of her as a toddler, standing obediently in front of them so her dad could take a picture. And then the marble pillars, graceful and noble, leading the eye upwards to the full height of the museum. Val had loved to hug the pillars as a child, enjoying the cool feel of stone against her face. She let out a small sigh.
"What's wrong?" Caleb asked, finally finding his voice. "I mean, besides falling into the void and all."
Val flushed. In hindsight, that may have been more than a bit dramatic. "It's just…" She waved her hand vaguely at the museum. "Memories."
Caleb nodded slowly.
Before he could respond, Val caught sight of Mira walking towards them. "Mira's here."
A few moments later, the trio stood in front of the gleaming brass doors. Val gave a firm knock, and the doors creaked open to reveal an older lady wearing a turquoise dress and matching turquoise earrings.
"Hello. My name is Eileen, and I am one of the elders." She gave the three of them a kindly smile, the wrinkles at the corners of her eyes crinkling. "Please, do come in."
The inside of the Artifact Museum was almost enough to shake Val out of her bad mood. The trio stepped into a wide-open space, sunlight filtering down from windows near the vaulted ceiling. The wooden floor was a shade of honey-gold, and the walls were a pristine white.
Scattered around the room were various artifacts displayed in glass cases. Labels marked their names and functions. The Artifact Museum was a popular destination for field trips, and Val remembered one such trip here in sixth grade. Their class had been talking excitedly then, their voices bouncing off the walls and filling the space. Now it was quiet, the room stretching out before them like an undisturbed pond.
"These are mainly historical artifacts, as well as ones that aren't as practical for quests," Eileen explained. She walked through the room, heading towards some wooden double-doors on the other side. "We keep the questing artifacts here."
Eileen unlocked the doors. Still silent, the trio entered the second room.
Val caught her breath. The room was small, but it was filled with artifacts. There were shelves upon shelves of them, each shelf dutifully labeled with "Healing" or "Illusions" or "Fighting." And Val didn't know quite how to describe it (was it lemon? or rain on a cool fall evening?), but somehow she felt like the scent of magic was in the air… Next to her, Mira and Caleb were wide-eyed as well.
Eileen grinned. "Go wild." She turned to Mira. "Chosen One, we have a special section for you."
Mira glanced at Val, looking apologetic and excited at the same time. Val met her eyes and gave her a small smile. "Tell me if you find anything interesting."
A hint of relief came into Mira's eyes as she was pulled away. "I will."
"Now then. Time to find something for myself." Val felt her spirits rising as she walked through the shelves. She might not find a Sword of Flames here, but surely there was something else in this treasure trove of artifacts that could be nearly as cool.
"Hmm… Boots of Beauty. Nope. Letter Opener of Languages?" Val examined an ordinary-looking letter opener. Its label declared that its wielder would be able to understand and speak any language. "That seems pretty useful."
But being a polyglot wasn't what Val was most interested in. She made her way to the Fighting section.
Leaning against one shelf was the notorious Cucumber Club. Next to it was a variety of throwable objects: ninja stars, daggers, explosives… Val's eyes glinted. She quickly skimmed each of their descriptions.
Just as she was wondering whether a dagger that returned to the thrower was more useful than a sword with singing that could make your enemies go deaf, she heard Caleb's voice a few shelves over. "I found something that could help us get into Mineral Metropolis," he called.
Val hurried over. "What is it?"
"The Amulet of Age." Caleb held up a glowing blue gemstone on a golden chain. It caught the light and winked at Val. "Apparently it protects you from age-related curses, but even better than that…" He slipped it on over his head.
Suddenly, Val was looking at a child. He had Caleb's sandy hair and green eyes, but he looked to be about seven years old. The kid blinked up at her. "See?" he said in a higher-pitched voice.
Val stifled a giggle. "So it makes you younger?"
Caleb took off the amulet and returned to normal. "I don't know. It's supposed to reveal your inner age, whatever that means."
Val couldn't stop herself from laughing any longer. "So you're actually a seven-year-old on the inside? Hello there, little child."
"Rude." Caleb pouted jokingly. "Anyways, you try it."
Val took the amulet and put it on. She felt herself grow smaller, her clothes becoming baggier. She thought she was becoming younger for a second, until she looked at her hands. They were soft, wrinkled things, with brown splotches spotting the backs.
Caleb was doubled over with laughter. "If I'm a child… then you're… an old lady," he gasped, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.
Val stepped over to a nearby mirror. It was indeed an old lady who stared back. Her hair had faded to white and her eyes were a watery blue. Val touched her sagging cheek in surprise. Was she really an old lady on the inside? Well, she enjoyed crocheting occasionally, but surely that didn't count. Val tested her movement, turning from side to side. Although she looked old, she didn't have back pain or bodyaches, so perhaps the amulet only changed appearances and voices.
She turned to Caleb again, a twinkle in her eye. "Stop laughing, you youngster. I'm your elder, so show me some respect," she lectured in a creaky voice, wagging a finger.
The boy started wheezing. "Sure, sure, grandma."
"Now, is that sarcasm I hear?" Val furrowed her bushy white eyebrows. "Teenagers these days. Tsk tsk."
Caleb had gone silent with the force of his laughter, and finally Val removed the amulet and joined him in chuckling. It felt good to laugh. How long had it been since she'd felt so lighthearted?
Finally their laughter subsided, and Val sat back against a shelf. "Oh gosh."
"So you do know how to have fun, Granny Val," Caleb teased.
"Of course. You thought I walked around being grumpy all the time? Nah. You know, one time Mira and I snuck into-"
"What's going on over here?" a voice interrupted. Mira poked her head around the bookshelf, as if summoned by the sound of her name.
"Oh, Mira!" Val grinned at her friend, and for a moment, it felt like the old days again. "Check out this amulet Caleb found."
Val held out the Amulet of Age to Mira, who dutifully examined it. "What does it do?"
"Try it on," Val urged.
Mira set the hand mirror she'd been holding off to the side and put on the amulet. In the space of a moment, she grew taller and curvier, her dark hair falling to her shoulders. Mira blinked.
"Woah." Val stared at her. "Mira, you're gorgeous."
Mira grabbed the hand mirror and looked at herself. "I don't know. I look the same?" A realization hit her. "Wait, this is the Mirror. Hang on."
Mira walked to the full-length mirror that Val had used. "Oh." In the mirror was a vision of a Mira who looked to be in her 20s. Her thoughtful, dark brown eyes were the same, but now she looked like a young adult. Val felt like it was fitting; Mira had always been the mature, responsible one. But now her appearance matched her personality, and she was beautiful, to boot.
Mira looked at the mirror as if looking at a stranger. Then she took off the amulet and handed it back to Val. "Thanks, but that feels really weird," she said awkwardly.
"Dude, you got the best transformation out of all of us," Val said. She pointed at Caleb, who was still staring at Mira. "He's a little kid, and I'm an old lady."
Mira laughed. "Well, you are really resistant to change, like an old lady might be. Remember how you wouldn't even change your sneaker brand when we were younger?"
Val nodded. Then her gaze fell on the hand mirror Mira had been holding. "You called that the Mirror. What is it? And hold on, where's Eileen?"
"She said she was right behind me." Mira listened for a moment, then frowned and grabbed the mirror. "Wait. Something doesn't feel right."
Mira dashed back to the Chosen One section, Val and Caleb hot on her heels.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hiiiiiiiii! I know, you thought I had disappeared off the face of the earth for a while, lol. But I am back! Just... like... with an infant in my lap now, haha.
This took me aback a little, because I had to go back to the other chapter because I totally didn't remember this. But when I reread it... I think that scene could probably use some beefing up. So, let's just go backward to that scene...
One thing that you might want to do to emphasize this is to basically make Caleb act derisively to her saying this, as if that saying bothers him. Like, he can raise his eyebrow and say, "Are you serious? Finding out your BFF was the Chosen One made you feel like you were falling into a void?" Like, make Caleb echo all of our (I speak as a reader!) disbelief, lol.
Sometimes, characters need to have their selfishness checked and derided by other people, especially if they are Not Nice Characters. And, although painful to the character, it is part of their growth as better people and it gives them a chance to become better people. (Yay!)
I almost think that, instead of describing the memories in the beginning, then making Val just wave her hands vaguely and say, "Memories" to Caleb, you can skip the explanation in the narrative and just have her explain it to Caleb. OR. Maybe you can have Caleb raise an eyebrow and say, "Memories?" as if to get her to explain?
I don't know. Caleb strikes me as a good foil for Val. Someone who can keep her in check and basically make her share things that she might not be willing to share with anyone else. Having those kinds of characters that make the MC stay accountable can be a good thing!
UM. WE NEED A DESCRIPTION FOR MIRA JOINING THE GROUP.
I mean, she IS the heroine, after all. And I am dying to know how awkward her joining in on Caleb and Val's conversation is, lol.
Okay, so this might just be a me-thing, but I adore description of older characters with bit parts because they can be so... unique and just. Their oldness kind of reveals how they've lived their life and reveals their character. And it's FUN.
Like... look how much fun it can be (excerpt from book 4, but no big spoilers... just a description of a woman):
Spoiler
What the woman lacked in beauty, she made up with her clothes and jewelry. She was dressed in the richest and most flamboyant clothes that Cyrus had ever seen. But her clothes, as rich as they were, were nothing compared to the jewelry that she wore. Every finger was covered in rings that shone vibrantly in a rainbow of jewels. Around her neck, she wore so many necklaces that it almost looked like she was in chains.
ANYWAY. Have fun with your description! Older characters are fun.
(Weirdly enough, I don't like describing characters that I am very attached with, but this is a me problem. I should probably describe my favorite characters better, hahaha. Though like, I would argue that when we meet new people, we look at them more carefully than we would with people that we know well. Or we see different things. Like, yes, my husband is tall, dark, and handsome, but I don't see that when I see him, normally... I am looking for clues of what he's feeling or what he is doing or other things of that nature because that's what I'm interested in, usually. Though, like... if we were to go on a date I would notice that he was tall, dark, and handsome because having a date would be a novelty.... which is probably why so many people recommend dating your spouse, lol. It makes you remember how hot they are, lol. ANYWAY. I digress... let's continue!)
Okay, so Eileen is taking Mira off to look at the hero stuff she can have... and Caleb and Val are alone toying with the things? UM. As a Grumpy Grown Up (TM), I can assure you that no grown up worth their salt would allow the young ones to do this. I would, at the very least, assign a museum curator or some other person to monitor the young ones because, let's face it... why should you trust some silly teenagers with items like the Cucumber Club?? So I would stick a grumpy (and sassy, lol) grown up to make witty remarks and put the teens in their place, haha.
UNLESS. (This is a big UNLESS!) You are isolating the teens so they can do something stupid and get in trouble for Plot Purposes. Because teenagers are really good at getting into trouble! (This is why we love writing teenagers as heroes, lol.)
But like... with regards to the UNLESS, it doesn't look like that's the particular direction you're going in, I would probably add another character to kind of be a mentor to the teens. Besides, new characters are fun!
ANYWAY. The question is... WHERE IS EILEEN?
But the more pertinent question is... WHERE IS THE NEXT CHAPTER???? (Dun, dun dunnnnn!)
Hellooooo again, Snoink!!
Also no worries, I need to catch up on Conqueror too... maybe this long weekend?? And best of luck with the infant!
Hmm yes I think I was trying to not slow down the scenes too much, but Val could probably stomp off right after that line... *ponders* And I am all for Val's character growth. xD
Confession: I skipped over that because I dislike writing awkward scenes (it's like, second-hand awkwardness??) xD But I guess, as a writer, I should get used to torturing my characters >.>
Oh interesting! That's a great point.
You mean... Frederick?
Coming this November, to YWSes near you! =P
Thanks for the insightful review, as usual!! <3
...if it makes you feel better, the first chapter is about 1000 words shorter than when you last read it. XD (Though like... there are more documents in that folder so that the book is starting to look terrifyingly large, lol... sorry!)
Filling in a scene with more (real) conflict doesn't slow down the scene... it makes readers read faster, actually. So, yeah, if it were just internal angst that Val was thinking of, that would probably slow down the scene. But if Caleb was using his tongue as a weapon of sorts and really cutting into Val and making her rethink her life, then that would actually add to the scene and make more interesting, provided that the dialogue was witty and sharply written (if that makes sense).
And this is especially true if you start with a somewhat disagreeable character! Because sometimes, we readers are awful and glory in these tongue lashings, if they are well deserved, lol.
I MEAN. Yes.
But also, I flail with awkwardness too when I am writing and avoid writing awkward scenes that make me flail, hahah. I am currently editing book 4 and a large part of my editing is filling in details for an intensely awkward romance that I basically skipped writing the details for the first go-around, and I am just... internally dying right now. XD
SO YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
But yeah, you still need to describe that scene, lol.
DO IT.
OMG. NANO. *flails*
...perhaps the readers are just as cruel as the writers... xD
*fLaIls*
Yesss finally the part where they go to get their artifacts! The concept is so cool and interesting, I was so excited to read this.
That’s funny to imagine, haha. This reminds me of that part in one of the Harry Potter movies where there’s the doodle of him getting struck by lightning.
This makes me so upset. Why is Val drifting away from her best friend because of something that isn’t even her fault? I’m probably wrong to think this, but it seems like Val is being a little selfish. Mira didn’t even want to be the Chosen One, so it wasn’t her fault. The least she could do was wish her congratulations. I dunno, this is just my opinion.
Nice description here! You are really good at visual description. I noticed this is previous chapters too. Lots of imagery in your chapters. Great job!
That was a nice moment. At least they’re not enemies and they acknowledged each other in this moment.
Letter opener is kind of a funny choice, like, out of all things, the artifact-maker chose a letter opener. I actually didn’t really know what a letter opener was when I read this, so I had to google it haha.
They’re joking, that’s good! That means that Val’s mood is cheering up. Maybe she will be fine after all.
*gasp!* Uh oh. What is the mirror? Why did Mira see herself regularly in it? Does it take away enchantments or something? And where did Eileen go? I have to know!
That is a really suspenseful ending, you did good at making a cliffhanger. I’m so excited to read the next chapter, if you do continue this series.
Happy writing!
Hi Ant, thanks for the encouraging review!! ^-^
Nah, you're absolutely correct! Val is in need of a lot of character growth. xD
Ah, thanks so much! It's something I'm trying to get better at. :>
I'll be continuing this project for NaNo in November, so I'll probably post more chapters then! Thanks so much for the reviews!! <3
I'm back with one more for ya! Let's hop in.
This is another good example of -ly words. Dreary usually carries the connotation of the weather and can describe the mood. However, it's also a chance to make your prose more gripping. In the next sentence, you even use weather to describe her feelings. I would suggest maybe just cutting the first sentence and adding a tag to the end of the second one along the lines of "that she couldn't get away from for the entirety of the school day."
I'm starting to like this guy haha
I really like this bit. It's a good job of conveying contrast in how Val feels, and it's a nice bite-size amount of world-building. although I will say, I didn't get the impression that Eileen was quite so old in the prologue, but that may have been me.
A little bit of levity! Hurrah! That made me smile. Nice to see some emotion that isn't Batman brooding.
haha I sense a nickname coming.
So I loved the whole bit with the amulet. We get some humor, some personality, and fun banter to grow friendships, and then we end on a cliffhanger. I will say though, the cliffhanger was so fast that it seems like we should just know something is wrong. I mean, Eileen could just be walking slowly. Maybe something feels a little off, but to rush out of the room seemed heavy-handed given the situation.
I think this was some of the strongest of your writing so far, between the humor and character development, and simple but nearly sufficient description. I would have liked to see a little bit more description in the backroom as to how big it was, and if there were other doors. It sounded small at first, but you mentioned what seemed to be like lots of shelves, and a separate room for Chosen Ones.
Overall though I really liked this bit.
~Messy
Hi again, Messy! Thanks again for all the reviews!! =D
LOL yes
Got it! I could probably hint at the next part with a loud sound instead, honestly.
Aw this actually means so much to me :') I used to struggle a ton with character development and depth and description (wait why do these all alliterate lol), so I'm glad to hear that my efforts to improve are working! I'll definitely keep working on it, though.
Have a wonderful day/night! =D