The only thing that had gone well for Valencia today was being called to the principal's office. In Geometry, they had received their tests back and upon seeing her 92%, Val had felt the drop in her stomach that always came with falling short of her parents' expectations. Then at lunch, she had spilled milk on her shirt and despite her and Mira's best efforts to clean it, there was still an unseemly stain on the front. The last straw was when she had tripped down the stairs when walking back from her last class of the day, World History, and all her books had fallen out of her backpack.
"Ugh." Valencia grunted in frustration as she picked herself up. Had she forgotten to zip up her backpack or something? Forgetting things was unlike her. How foolish.
Val winced at her scraped palms, then crouched down again to stuff her notebooks back into her pack. Just as she slid in her math notebook, she heard the crackling of the PA system.
"Would Mira Chalcedony, Valencia Heartwood, and Caleb Bornite please report to the principal's office? A new quest has been announced," a feminine voice declared.
Val's head snapped upright, startling a student who had been walking down the stairs next to her. Val's eyes sparkled, her previous misfortunes forgotten, and she just managed to stifle a delighted scream. This was her chance! Finally, the time for her quest had come!
As she shoved the rest of her supplies into her backpack and flew down the remaining stairs, blonde hair whipping around behind her, she started to visualize her parents' proud smiles as she told them that she was the Chosen One.
"As expected of our dear Val," her mother would say with a nod of approval.
"Let's have something special for dinner!" her father would boom, whipping out an apron.
Val sprinted down the hallways, skidding past classmates who called out, "Congrats, Val!" She grinned back at them. Everyone had known for years that Val would become the Chosen One for her year. After all, her parents were the most successful Chosen Ones in New Geode history. And Val was determined to live up to their names.
Val slapped a high-five with her Biology teacher as she rounded a corner and ran down the final hallway leading to the principal's office. She slowed to a walk for the final few paces, tried unsuccessfully to hide the milk stain on her shirt with her hair, then took a breath to compose herself before knocking on the door.
"Come in," said the secretary.
Val forced her manic grin to become a more appropriate smile and pushed open the wooden door.
The secretary looked up from his computer and hooked a thumb towards another door behind him, this one with a frosted glass pane. "Principal Amethyst is waiting for you."
Val nodded a thanks and walked through the second door.
The principal's office was a cheery space. The blinds were open on the window behind Principal Amethyst's desk, letting in stripes of afternoon sunlight. A few bookshelves lined the side walls, and a healthy potted plant rested on the corner of the principal's desk. The rest of the desk was taken up by a computer and stacks of papers.
Mira was already sitting in one of the chairs in front of the desk, smiling nervously at Val. Mira fidgeted with the backpack by her feet, her hands ink-stained as usual. Val took the seat next to her best friend and beamed back.
"Welcome, you two." Principal Amethyst closed her computer. Her purple eyes glittered at the soon-to-be questgoers, and she tucked a black braid behind her ear. "We'll just wait a moment for Caleb."
Just as the principal uttered those words, a student opened the door and sauntered in. He ran a hand through the waves of his sandy-brown hair and grinned at the others. "Hope I'm not late!" He folded himself into the third chair, crossing his long legs.
Val looked him up and down. If she was to be the Chosen One, this person must be her love interest. She supposed as far as love interests went, Caleb wasn't bad. Val had never really interacted with him before, as he was in a grade above her, but he seemed popular enough. She'd seen him chatting and laughing with other basketball players before, as well as people from some kind of club-- maybe the art club? She wasn't really attracted to him yet, but feelings could change throughout a quest, right? Val gave a mental shrug and turned her attention back to Principal Amethyst.
"You're right on time." The principal smiled at the three of them. "Now then, without further ado, I'll announce your roles."
She looked directly at Mira. "Mira is the Chosen One. Congratulations."
"Caleb is Companion One. Valencia is Companion Two." The principal handed each of them a sheet of paper. "Waivers for your parents. And the object of your quest is…"
Val accepted the paper mindlessly, then stared at the principal, the rest of her words flowing past Val's ears like white noise. Mira... Chosen One? Valencia... Companion Two? Something wasn't fitting right here. Val felt like the world was tilting slightly, as if she was on a boat in rough waters.
She must've misheard. Or the principal misspoke, or, or-- Val glanced at Mira, who was also staring at the principal in shock, her mouth opening and closing soundlessly.
Mira slowly turned to look at Val. In Mira's honest, startled eyes, Val found evidence that she'd heard correctly. Mira was the Chosen One.
With that, the boat capsized, leaving Val floundering in vicious currents.
Val turned back to the principal, unable to bear her best friend's gaze that was surely turning into one of pity. She clenched her fists, crinkling the waiver. Val stared at the blinds behind the principal, willing her face into a neutral mask of stone. She imagined her blue eyes as hard sapphires, her blond hair simply carved citrine.
She stiffly exchanged phone numbers with Caleb and the three of them made a group chat to plan their quest. But anything more the principal said slipped past her ears, and when they were finally released, Val walked jerkily to the door.
Still statue-like, Val stalked down the now-empty hallways and out of the school, starting the walk home on autopilot. She stared blankly ahead, barely registering the cars zipping by at the first intersection. Companion Two... Companion Two... Companion Two was the least important, the most likely to get injured, the one there for humor and moral support. Val gritted her teeth, reminding herself that statues didn't cry. She stared unblinkingly at the white stripes on the street and started to cross.
A hand gripped her sleeve and pulled her back. Val blinked, momentarily shaken out of her stupor. Mira looked back at her, panting slightly, as if she'd ran to catch up. "The... the walk sign wasn't on."
Val glanced across to the sign. "Oh."
Mira shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably. When it looked like Val wouldn't say anything more, Mira started, "I'm sorry. I-- I never wanted to be the Chosen One, and I know it was your dream, and--" She stopped. "Val, look at me."
Val turned her head towards her friend in rigid motions, back to her carved-stone state. Mira was facing her, pleading earnestly with her dark brown eyes. "Come on, Val. We've always been best friends. I don't want that to change. Please."
The two of them looked at each other for a moment. But Val couldn't bring herself to do anything more than jerk her head up and down. Then the walk sign turned on, and Val strode across the intersection, her mind filled with thoughts of crystals cracking and reflecting scattered shards of light.
Val hardly knew how she got home, but there she was, standing in front of the familiar turquoise door of their two-story house. She fumbled with her keys for a moment, then pushed the door open and locked it behind her.
Then she was standing in the foyer, crumpled waiver still in one hand and her keys in the other. Val took a shuddering breath, then slumped against the inside of the door. "I… I don't…" she whispered. This would have felt like a bad dream she couldn't wake up from, except for the fact that Val didn't get nightmares. And she could solidly feel the wood of the door against her back.
"This is no time to sulk, Val," she mumbled to herself. "Chosen Ones don't sulk. They pick themselves up and come up with solutions." But what solutions could there be to being named Companion Two? Val slumped further down the door.
Finally, after a good five minutes of giving herself pep talks, she worked up the motivation to at least stand up and walk up the staircase to her room. She'd brainstorm solutions anyways. If nothing else, she had to figure out how to break it to her parents.
In her room, Val took out a blank sheet of paper and a pencil and wrote her problem at the top. Namely, that she was the sidekick. She stared at the words, still hardly believing it. Then Val shook herself and moved on.
"The seeing pool's decisions are always final, so asking Mira to swap is out of the question." Val tapped her pencil against her chin. "But perhaps I could take care of the duties of the Chosen One anyways? Knowing Mira, she might freeze up in dangerous situations." Val wrote that idea down.
Then she herself froze as a sudden realization came to her. "Shoot, I didn't hear what our quest objective was."
Val frantically fished her phone out from her backpack. She tapped out a message to the group chat. "Hey guys, could you remind me what our quest objective is? Sorry, I zoned out for a bit."
Three dots immediately appeared as Caleb typed a response. "we're stealing the vernal pearl of eternal illumination from mineral metropolis."
He quickly followed up with, "wait no, not stealing. "acquiring.""
Val stared at her phone. Mineral Metropolis? The Mineral Metropolis? Aka the mega-city that was the center of entertainment, finance, technology, and pretty much everything else in their region?
"sorry, wut?" Mira sent a shocked-face emoji. Apparently she'd zoned out too.
"yea. hahaha. let's try not to die."
Val groaned. Oh, this was not good. Not good at all.
That little revelation drained Val of her remaining energy, and it was all she could do to stagger down the stairs at dinnertime, after her parents came home. She waved weakly as her mom set down her briefcase and her dad went to wash his hands. Val clutched the waiver in her hand, suddenly wishing she could run up the stairs and hide it in her room, but it was too late.
"How was your day, Val?" Her mother kicked off her heels and walked towards Val, beaming at her. "Did you get your math test back?"
Oh, thought Val dimly, her school day already seeming distant. "Yeah. 92." Did Val's voice sound far away, or was it just her?
Suddenly her mom was in front of her, frowning in concern. "What's wrong? You look a bit ill."
Val gulped. Slowly, she held out the waiver, her hand trembling imperceptibly.
Her mother glanced at the paper, then at Val, then back at the paper. Val saw the moment she read the words, "I acknowledge that I am the guardian of ____, and that said student will be going on a quest as Companion Two…"
Val's heartbeat sounded loud in her ears. She thought she could hear the clock ticking in the living room. Was that disappointment in her mother's face, or simply concentration?
Finally, her mother spoke. "Oh, Val…" She enfolded her daughter in a hug, her curled hair tickling Val's ears. "Let's talk about this at dinner, okay?"
Val nodded, breathing in her mother's perfume of eucalyptus. She closed her eyes for a moment, shutting out the soft blue walls of the house and imagining for a moment that she was young again, when she was free to imagine anything as her future…
"Now go and set the table, will you?"
Val opened her eyes. She nodded again and headed to the dining room, even though she wasn't sure if she could stomach any food right now.
Her dad was already making a salad, washing lettuce and cutting up wedges of cucumber and tomato. He looked up when she came in. "Hey there, Val! Think I should add blueberries, or would that be too much?" Her dad's blue eyes twinkled at her.
Val shrugged and went to get some utensils from a drawer. Behind her, her mother came in with soft footsteps. Val didn't see her mom and dad exchange a glance, but she knew they did.
There were a few awkward moments at the beginning of dinner, when everyone was cutting some slices of chicken and scraping salad onto their plates. Val felt a moment of unexpected connection with the chicken. We're similar, in a way. She considered the poultry on her plate. You're a bird, but you can't fly very well. I'm supposed to be a hero, but I ended up being a sidekick. Guess we both don't live up to expectations.
She felt a little bad eating the chicken now. But before she could ponder a complete shift to vegetarianism, her mother cleared her throat.
"So, Val. You're going on a quest, huh?" She delicately placed a piece of chicken in her mouth.
Val picked at her salad and nodded.
"Hey, congrats!" Val's dad raised a hand for a high-five. "You've been wanting to go on a quest for forever, haven't you? Aww, my little Val's all grown up now, questing and all."
When Val didn't slap the high-five, her dad furrowed his bushy eyebrows. He glanced between Val and her mother. "What's… what's wrong?"
Suddenly Val couldn't take it anymore. She set down her fork and said, "I'm going to excuse myself. Lots of homework… and preparation for the quest…"
She dashed from the room, her socks sliding on the wooden floor. Val hurried up the stairs and shut the door to her room, catching it a moment before it slammed.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I'm back. Is that menacing or exciting? I don't know. you tell me. o.o
The second half of this sentence is fine, but the eyes sparkled bit just seems weird. I kinda know what you're going for, but the second half of the sentence does the job of showing her excitement, and what exactly do sparkling eyes look like? Especially when this isn't from a secondary POV.
Words I never thought I would hear or read in my life
I copied the whole sentence so it's easier for you to find, but my emphasis is just on the last phrase. You use the term jerkily, and honestly, I don't know what you meant by that. In the next sentence you say she was still statue-like but jerkily sounds opposite to statuesque in my mind. It's not a big problem but it confused me.
At first, I got thrown off by the lack of capitalization until I saw that this was all texting. However, even in texting certain words automatically capitalize. I would suggest making texts something like italic and centered, just as an easy way to differentiate between talk and text. You don't have to, but it might be a nice visual difference to easily track.
Having finished this, I'm starting the think that either Val's parents are really bad at communication, or Val has serious self-esteem issues because it's not coming across like this is nearly as dire as she thinks it will be. There is the interesting concept of expectations, but it's hard yet to judge if that really comes from her parents or herself.
I will make one other mention that you talk about people's eyes a lot, and while some eyes are more noticeable, particularly blue ones like Val's dad, I don't feel like people directly at, or notice, eyes that much, and yet it was mentioned three times in this chapter alone. Again, not a huge problem, but something to consider. Anyway, I'll be getting to the rest of these pieces and do my best to keep up this late summer.
~Messy
Welcome back!! Definitely more reassuring than menacing, because it means you were interested enough to read the next part at least XDD
I feel like I have read eyes being described as sparkling before lol, but I see what you mean about the repetition!
Yeah, I was considering doing the fancy fake-text image thing, but I got lazy. xD Maybe I'll do it next time!
Okay, I thiiiink that is a good sign. Because I feel like three quarters of Val's high expectations are self-imposed, because she's heard all these stories about how amazing her parents are and how great she's going to be. Her parents don't actively force her to do things, but they don't exactly reassure her that it's alright to take it easy sometimes, either. So that is an issue that'll be covered in the novel as well. If that makes sense?
Oops. >.> Thanks for pointing that out!
These are probably all the pieces I'll post for now, but I'll be working on Chosen Sidekick again for NaNo in November! :] I'd be delighted to get more reviews then <3
Also I've got to review some of your works sometime. The first chapters of Williwaw looked interesting and well-written!
Williwaw probably needs a good grammatical edit beware %uD83D%uDE02
Hi mint! (Or should I say Tomato) I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method Today!
I am so excited to read more of this story! I can already tell there’s going to be some interesting plot points. Well, let’s get into the review!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
Alright, so Val always knew she was going to become a Chosen One, because she came from a long line of Chosen Ones. But one day, her friend becomes the Chosen One instead, and she becomes "Companion Two," who follows the Chosen one for moral support. How lame! Embarrased and disapointed, she goes home with dismay, and can't even imagine how disapointed her parents will be, and has to excuse herself from dinner.
Slightly Burnt Marshamallow - Room for Improvements
For me, this part went by a little too fast, and before I knew it, Val had already gone from the pricipal's office to the street outside. I think you could add a little more here to make it less rushed. But this is just a suggestion.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
Ugh, I can't imagine what it must be like for Val to feel when she was so excited to become the Chosen One, and she wasn't. Oh, wait, I can! Because of how well you described her thoughts! Yup, that's right. Val had a lot of things to think, because of how much excitement she had at first, followed by disapointment. The reader can really feel what she is feeling, and see what she is going through. Well done in describing her feelings! By the way, I really like this modern-fantasy genre you have here. I hope you use it in other stories/rps.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
That was an extremely quick review, sorry. If I have time, I will try to review your other chapters in a longer review. I hope you continue this series! Happy writing!
Hey Ant, thanks so much for the review!!
I love how you use the "Slightly Burnt Marshmallow" and "Chocolate Bar" sections in your review. XD
Alright, thanks! Always great to get a reader's opinions on pacing <3
=D Yesss, I love modern fantasy hehe~
I really appreciate it! Have a fantastic day/night!
Hiiiiiii again! I did promise I would leave a slightly better review on chapter 1, didn't I? XD
There is more depth in your writing in this one... like, you add more descriptions of Val's motives and emotions, which was really nice. We have a clear idea that one of the big pressures that she faces is meeting up with the high expectations of her parents, so that is definitely one of the big conflicts! And the fact that it's her best friend (eek!) makes it even more dramatic, hahaha.
Okay, so I totally stalked your Camp Nano thread and I really liked all the excerpts that you posted, so I was really excited to read it! (Also, it looked like there was slightly more angst in Val's character, which honestly was kind of intriguing to me... Sunny's character is just so. dang. upbeat. that I was definitely interested in seeing what you would do with a character who was definitely more brooding.)
Anyway! It's a good start.
OKAY. Some thoughts as I read the story...
Okay, so... I really like this line! But also, it's not true. Getting called to the principal's office ends up being the Worst Thing Ever (TM) because of the total disappointment. So I am not sure you're setting up the story properly. But also, I get that you like this line because it's a good line! It just doesn't.... fit with your overall story. You might have to play with this and figure out something else that works!
Okay, so... I didn't actually realize that Mira was Val's BFF until you explicitly said it later on when they were at the principal's office, and even then it didn't really seem like they were actually BFFs. Like, now that I am reading it over again (I actually read through multiple times before I review... which may sound smart, but I assure you that I do this because my brains are mashed potatoes and I have the reading comprehension of a goldfish) I realize that Mira is the one helping her out with the unseemly stain on the front, which implies that Mira and her are on close terms with each other.
Still, it doesn't seem like that because Mira doesn't actually say anything until she mumbles an apology to Mira later after their meeting with the principal. Nor does Val ever look at Mira and wonder what Mira's thoughts are about Caleb being Val's possible love interest... like, I dunno, I would be very interested in knowing my BFF's thoughts on my future boyfriend, lol. Nor does Val seem to look at Mira at all when the principal announces that Mira is the chosen one. And, despite Val knowing a lot about Mira -- including that she would probably make a terrible chosen one -- she doesn't seem to reflect on this at all. It's a bit strange!
Like, I get that they want to be quiet in this scene...
But like, they're best friends! Isn't there some sort of interaction going on? Maybe some sort of quiet inside joke they could do? Or maybe Val can see Mira and think, "Yessssss my best friend is going to be my companion!" And then have her think about how she was worried about how she was worried about her Companion 2 being someone insufferable she couldn't stand and how happy she is now that it is going to be Mira. And then maybe have her list out all of Mira's good traits and how wonderful this quest was going to be, etc.
So this would do two things... it would give us some character insight on Mira and give us all an idea of why she might have been chosen as the Chosen One. Also, it would give us a sense of even more turmoil in Val when she realizes that Val is not the Chosen One, because she's already acknowledged Mira's finer points... but also, she wants to be the chosen one.
Conflict!!!!
Okay, so like... I know this sounds really nosy, but like... I am dying to know Mira's reaction to Caleb, lol. Like, I wish Val would shoot a look at Mira like maybe raising her eyebrows to ask something with her facial expression akin to, "Well, what do you think?" and then see what Mira's face would show. Like. That would be amazing. Also, it would give us more of an insight of Mira!
[quote]"sorry, wut?" Mira sent a shocked-face emoji. Apparently she'd zoned out too.
"yea. hahaha. let's try not to die."[quote]
LOL. THEY ARE DOOMED. xD
Also, yay for Caleb being the competent one, hahaha.
Her parents seem sweet. ^^ Even though she feels a lot of pressure from them, hopefully they can all get together and love each other in the end.
(What can I say??? I love a good happy ending, haha.)
Thanks so much for the review, Snoink!! ^-^
Yess I think I am improving, in large part due to your amazing feedback hehe
Rip :') Yeah, that makes sense... I was thinking that Val would be thinking that line at the moment the story starts, with the PA system crackling on. But I guess it turns out to not be accurate if you think a little harder about it, oops >.< I'll have to brainstorm on that one.
Ooh, you bring up a lot of great points here. I feel like one more thing I want to touch on in this story is that Val doesn't really know Mira completely-- like, she knows Mira as she was three years ago, and although Val hasn't changed, Mira has. So like, Mira would actually be a good Chosen One. But you're def right on Val probably wanting to know Mira's reaction to Caleb as well. Also love the idea of the little interaction when they first arrive at the office!
(And I felt that on the brain being mashed potatoes. XD)
I am also a fan of happy endings, so you do not have to worry there =P Thanks again!! <3