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The last celestrian chapter two part one (rough draft)

by Spartan118


Chapter two

"Sir, the items you're looking for are over here."

"Good bring them to me soldier on the double"

"Understood, Sir."

I wake up not knowing what I just heard. It seems to me it was something I will have to ask around about but for now I'll have to make a mental note about it. 

I look at Sam still pondering what that dream was about. She looks back and she looks kinda tired. I hold my hand out, "The recordings." After she hands the device to me, I put it away. 

She shyly looks at me, "Hey you're not gonna leave me here alone, are you? Before you answer that, I can show you around to the areas I've been if that's ok with you?" 

"I won't leave you alone just yet because you know more about this place than I do. And yes, that would be helpful to me if you could show me the places you have been. Anywhere that has the other races would be especially good, if you could." I tell her. "But first you get some rest so you can guide me." 

Author's notes: this will most likely be the last addition to the story so far but please do read chapter one and tell me your opinion on it as I have lost my inspiration to continue writing. It is regretful I know but as it is I have moved on and will always try to write this story even if it's trash. Anyways I hope you all enjoy this part of the story and please tell me if I should keep writing it though it will take time. Thank you all for reading and encouraging me to keep writing if you do encourage me to keep at it as I probably won't comment too much to reviews. Thank you and have a good day.


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209 Reviews


Points: 4041
Reviews: 209

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:36 am
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway

Nitpicks & Grammar
Let's start with this sentence-

"Good bring them to me soldier on the double"
"Understood, Sir."

I'd add a comma before the word bring.

Now let's tackle this sentence-
I will have to ask around about but for now I'll have to make a mental note about it.

Add a comma after the word now.
And that's all the errors I could see.
Style & Flow
This chapter flows nicely however I can't help but notice the lack of action in this chapter. Your first priority will be to include some action.
Other
Please keep writing! Writers must write!

EverLight Out




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22 Reviews


Points: 944
Reviews: 22

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Sat Jan 25, 2020 1:25 am
IamI wrote a review...



These are my thoughts over the entirety of this piece. It unfortunate that you lost inspiration, I say this more out sympathy and a general disappointment at seeing another story go untold. There is an interesting idea here, but I don’t feel like you really knew what to do with it and the plot has largely been left unexplored. With all the matters of this specific story out of the way, here are my thoughts on your general style: first off, I think your style lends itself to present tense better than others I have read. Your dialogue needs work, it doesn’t sound very natural for example, in part four you have this line “and yes I am from another planet” this doesn’t sound as natural as it could, the way I might have rewritten it would be a bit like this “—yes I am from another world.” The dash indicates an interruption, which seems more natural than having an ‘and’ in there. That is not the only example, but it is the one I wrote down. Another issue I have is with your use of made up words, they are not a problem in and of themselves, but if you use invented words, especially in the context that you use them, you have to include the definition, my suggestions are either to denote the definition in some clever way within the text, or you could simply add an asterisk (*) at the end of the made up word and give definition at the end off the work. Bringing this back around to your dialogue I want to end this with the most important point, you use dialogue to tell quite a bit, and while most writers (including myself) tire of hearing this, it is still important to remember ‘show, don’t tell’ this is especially true in fiction where the author invents the world, in genres like high fantasy and (in your case) Science fiction, where this dogma gives you the ability to build your world and make specific points at the same time, doing more with less is usually the goal of modern writing. I will end this here to avoid going on unnecessary tangents. I think it was best that you stopped working on it for the moment, hopefully my criticism will help you improve your future work.




Spartan118 says...


Thank you and I really do need to work on them but I guess I got lazy and didn't really write it to the best I can do but I'm glad you showed support to the story.




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