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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

The last celestrian chapter one part four

by Spartan118


When Sam stops walking, she turns to me and stares at me. I begin to panic because she is staring at me. "So you're from another planet? Why did you come here? Are you going to destroy the planet?" 

I stop her before she can ask more questions. "Stop, stop, stop. First off I have no real idea why I am here and yes I am from another planet. Second, I am not a zaanosha creature so don't worry. No more questions please, I am just as confused as you. Please no more question."

I like the fire with a stick for a bit hoping to distract myself. The fahfin begins to grow a little as I spoke it. While watching the fahfin grow, I throw the stick in when Sam sits next me, wraps her arms around me and squeezes, startling me. "What are you doing?"

"I'm just wrapping my arms around you, holding you. Is there something wrong with that?" She asked while looking at me confused.

As I stare at her, I reply, "It's um... You kinda startled me is all. I didn't really think you would do that."

Not knowing what to do, I push her away and pull out the recordings and watch them. I notice she is watching them as well, so I pull her closer and have her watch with me. As we watch I notice her getting closer and closer to me slowly entranced by the recordings. I hand the device to her as I goto lay on the ground and sleep.

(Authors notes) I kinda said screw it and wrote what I felt would be ok and kinda like it right now but I will end the chapter here for now unless I can figure out more to write but this will conclude chapter one. I hope you all enjoyed as the actual paper version I wrote is five full pages of a spiral college rule notebook. I did edit this after publishing to throw in some words I used before but forgot to use I am so sorry I didn't notice this until after publishing.

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 9:46 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review on this Review Day. This is such a short chapter that I'm not sure how much critique I'll be able to give, but I'll do my best.

I think the biggest tip I have for you is to expand this more. Show us more of what these two characters talk about - it'll develop their relationship more and help the reader get to know them better.

Also, what recordings are you talking about and on what device? If this is just because I didn't read the previous parts, ignore me, but I thought that paragraph was really rushed and didn't show what happened very well. Describing what the device looked like would be a good way to insert some worldbuilding into this short part.

I do really like the sweet moment here between Sam and your main character. It says a lot about Sam that she already wants to hold the main character like that even though they don't know each other that well - to me it says she's looking for comfort and connection. And your main character's response shows that that's not really normal for his species.

Something else I think this could use more of is setting and sensory detail. I'm sure you mentioned where they are in previous parts, but from this chapter part alone, I really have no idea. If they're in a forest together, let us hear the chirping of cicadas or the wind through the trees. Tell us about how a sharp rock digs into him when he lays down. That sort of thing. If it's not a forest, highlight what's different or unique about the setting, again for the purposes of worldbuilding. You mention the fahfin, but I think there's room to describe it more.

And I think that's all I've got for you! This was a short and sweet part, so good luck and keep writing!




Spartan118 says...


So the biggest thing is the items in this story have all been left untold to be explained in later chapters when things get asked or something happens to other items. I also want to thank you for making me realise that I'm gonna need to make a disclaimer in each part of the story saying "the world this story takes place in is not earth." And yes I do need to explain some things but keep in mind the main character is using his own language as well so the reason why it's fahfin and not something else is because it's an alien language but yes ill have to fix it later on so there's that and if you feel like it would help the readers understand the story better please tell me and ill just make a quick document to post to help understand the story better later on. Besides that I thank you for reviewing my work and all of the things you have mentioned are explained later on into the story and some things might be added to help link to other stories as well I haven't figured out if I want to add them yet or not.



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Sat Jan 20, 2018 10:29 am
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this very interesting scene from your novel. I like the idea of a human interacting with an alien and both misunderstanding one another. Makes it even more interesting when one is male and the other female. I understood this to be happening outdoors since they are walking and he is said to sleep on the ground.

Although the alien's appearance isn't described, I got the impression that it is a humanoid. I like how the awkwardness of the situation is brought to our attention by having the alien push her away in confusion one moment and then decide to hold her closer the next. It reminded a bit about the scene in the film The Man Who Fell to Earth where an alien and a human female are also having difficulties interacting. But that scenario takes place in an apartment's bedroom.

Suggestions:

It is recommended that we try to avoid repetition of the same word and that we use synonyms instead. For example, the word "world" can be used instead of "planet" in the intro.


"Are you going to destroy our world?"

I [light] the fire....

....wrong with that?" [s]he asked.

Expressions such as

You kinda....

Make the alien less believable because it seems to be the author who is really speaking. Remember, we are not the alien and the alien cannot be speaking as we do.

Just a few suggestions to make the story better. Really enjoyed reading it. Looking forward to reading more of your work.




Spartan118 says...


Thank you and ill take that into consideration later on



Spartan118 says...


I feel my half asleep comment was really off but ill explain it with the biggest hint there is there is no humans in this story at all. But there might be a couple humans later on in the story near the end of the novel as a hint to a second installment. And the word world is not used as it is still continuing on from a previous question and answer to which I left it on so there's a reason to it.


Sam looks at me confused. "Exlipze-351 , what's that, is it something around here?"

"No it's the planet you call home, more precisely this planet." I explained to her. "My home planet is Kyro, and the device you had earlier has all the information about my home world." (From part three)

And the appearance of the female is actually said but not the main as if you look at yourself in a mirror you see what you think you are so it's like he could be the complete opposite of what he really is if that helps explain it at all.




Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri