"My home planet, Kyro, I wish I was able to see it but after I was born I was sent to Exlipze-351. Kyro was home to many alien species, one of them being celestrians," I thought, as I watched the recording of my planets history little by little every night.
(Recoding) "Kyro once was a hub for every alien species to mingle and trade. The planet was considered neutral territory, due to the celestrians living there. The aliens there where respectful of the rules and knew if they broke them it could start an intergalactic war with the celestrians and their allies. Most alien came to see the arena fights between Kyro's native creatures and warriors from other races, most warriors had very gruesome deaths though some were lucky enough to make it to round two."
I turn the recording off cause it goes into the arena fights, which I didn't want to hear about. "Hmm, the arena, I wonder if it's still there and if I could participate in its fights. Why couldn't I have been there to see how the planet was before the war? Oh well, though I am lucky that I made it away from there after the war." I thought as I walked through the strange tall plants, which I have called Gladicks.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm, well this start here is certainly quite an interesting one here. I really think the idea behind this appears to be pretty interesting, and you seem to have done a decent amount of worldbuilding for this as well, which is pretty awesome to see too.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well...not entirely sure what to make of that particular thing right there...hmm...on one hand, that is painfully obvious forced exposition there, its just seems so much like a thing tailored specifically to give us that explanation that at that point its just not worth trying to disguise that as a thought that this person here has. It'd be a lot better if you just ahead and straightaway said this out at the very start. Well anyway, besides that, it is an interesting tidbit that has been dropped upon us at the start here.
Okay....well...that's an interesting piece of history...I feel like maybe this makes a tiny bit more sense....it just seems a bit more natural of a way to be bringing this to light here, it certainly flows a lot better than the previous paragraph did. And well, this really is pretty interesting, looks like some kind of series of death matches are occurring here and it doesn't look like the deaths were exactly tame either....hmm....well this is certainly off to quite a start if that's just the history.
Well, this is again a little too scripted here, the questions that are being asked here and just these thoughts here don't sound too natural here. Its not completely out of the realm of possibility someone would think these things but it just doesn't sound completely normal, anyway, that aside, these are some very interesting thoughts. It definitely does make you think about what on Earth this could be, and the mentions of a war going on are certainly very interesting things here to see mentioned in this first part here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, there's a lot of potential in this here first part, but I feel like it does need a bit of work before the overall flow of this thing can be completely natural. At any rate, this does make me want to read more, so it does do the job of a first chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Not gonna lie it's been forever since I wrote this and can't lie I've lost all inspiration to write and even if I try to fix this as it is now all I'll do is make it worse this is the best I can do for the story anymore and you can definitely see the decline in my writing as time goes on but I won't rewrite or fix any of it due to making it worse and trust I've tried to rewrite or just edit it
Ooof...sorry to hear that.
Things happen but I'm glad to see people do enjoy the story just wish I could do more is all and hopefully I'll regain that spark to finish it one day
Hello, again, Spartan. It's me Harley (Nico) for another review.
First of all, I think that this story is interesting and I like the idea of the plot, but in regards to this chapter I thought that it started off fairly adequate. The beginning/introduction was all right, but I didn't feel that it was best suited for the first chapter, more so for the prologue and personally, I wouldn't begin with the character speaking. The beginning is generally considered the crucial part of a chapter (and novel) because that will determine how people will react to your story, whether they decide to continue reading or not. I would begin with something more attention-grabbing, to captivate the reader and allow them to read with their eyes glued to the screen. If you begin with something less than that then they are likely to drop the story and not finish it (I found myself having to read this twice, because I honestly lost interest about less than halfway through, making me forget most of what was said).
Secondly, just like the prologue I didn't feel much connection to the character, there wasn't enough information or emotion to do so. Even if you don't wish to reveal much of the character, as you have already stated, I still think that there should be some form of information because, as the reader, I don't feel connected with the character and feel like this factor could tarnish the story. I would suggest making small details, like how he feels watching it, going into a bit more detail into how he wishes he could have stayed or what he never got to experience, etc. In addition to this, there wasn't enough character motion, the most we got was when it says "I turn the recording off" and "I walked through the strange tall plants" (which I still find funny, he seems to despise these plants or something, haha), there should be more character interaction within the story, like him exploring more of this new planet. It seems like he's too comfortable within this new planet, like he is a citizen rather than a species from another planet.
There's only a few grammar errors that I can find. Such as in the first paragraph:
"My home planet, Kyro, I wish I was able to see it but after I was born I was sent to Exlipze-351. Kyro was home to many alien species, one of them being celestrians,"
Where it says "Kyro was home to many alien species", you've written that Kyro WAS home, instead it should be Kyro IS home to many alien species, because the planet still exists, right? Unless you mean that the different alien species that lived there are now the enemies to the Celestrians and are fighting in the war, then you should specify that, by writing "Kyro had once been home to many alien species, before the allied species living among us Celestrians became our enemy", something like that. (Sorry for writing too much or going into too much detail)
Lastly, I thought that the chapter was too short, there isn't enough to really label this as a chapter or enough to interest the reader. I would suggest writing more.
Good luck and keep writing!~
- Harley
Well Nico thx for the review and I wish I would have known it was you. And this is part of the first chapter not a full chapter so I can try to think of more info for the rest of the chapter. I tried to write more but I couldn't think of much more for the first part of chapter one.
Sorry (hehe) I told you actually on my review for the prologue of this story, I mentioned in brackets that I was Nico from wolf online. Oh okay, I understand your struggles, but even still I thought there could have been more. I would've liked to have been able to read more! I hope you release more soon, good luck!~
I'm trying but right now the only things coming to mind are different story lines for the beginning for some reason.
Ok so a huge spoiler into about chapter 3, Kyro is abandoned.
Hello there Spartan118. Luata here for a review. Because you are the author and I am not, feel free to take any advice or ignore any advice, whichever you think is best for your work. I'll try to divide my review into sections so it is easier to read. Rewrites will be written in blue and grammar mistakes will be fixed in red.
Overview
Overall, I think this is a pretty good start for a story. I'd label this more as an introduction or a prologue rather than a chapter, though. It's rather short with almost no information about the character or the such, so it would be more of an attention grabber than a chapter by itself.
Grammar
"My home planet, Kyro. I wish I was able to see it but after I was born, I was sent to Exlipze-351. Kyro is a home to many alien species, one of them being Celestrians. I thought, as I watched the recordings of my planet's history
little by little every night.First of all, I would suggest putting this entire chunk in italics, if it is a recording. It would make it less confusing for your reader. Anyhow, onto being a grammar-Dalek.
"Kyro
onceis a hub for all alien species to mingle and trade. The planet is considered a neutral territory,due to the Celestrians living there. The aliensthereare respectful of the rules and know if they broke them, they could start an intergalactic warwith the celestrians and their allies. Most aliens come to seethearena fights between Kyro's native creatures and warriors from other races .MostWarriors have very gruesome deaths though some were lucky enough to make it to round two."I turn the recording off
causeas it goes into the arena fight because I don't want to hear about it . "Hmm, the arenaI wonder if it's still there so I could participate initsfights. Why couldn't I have been there to see how the planet was before the war?Oh well, though I am lucky that I made it away from there after the war."I thought as I walked through the strange tall plants, which I called Gladicks.Other than those few grammar errors, I thought it was a good piece! If you have any comments or suggestions, or if you want me to elaborate on something, just drop me a line!
~Luata
Ok first off plz read the prologue if you don't understand it. And was is correct cause the planet went through a major civil war
The civil war is a huge huge spoiler
Kyro was destroyed for the most part and it's abandoned so once is correct
Ah. You have my apologies. I wasn't aware there was a prologue, I apologize for causing you any discomfort. My thoughts on the Kyro planet recording being in present tense is because it is highly unlikely this person was sent a recording after the planet was destroyed. It is far more likely it is just a recording from when the planet was at its prime. I should have explained that.
if you do read the prologue you will find out a lot about the main character like how he's the only surviver of the Kyro at its prime and it's downfall both back to back and kinda together
I'm afraid I still have to say that it would make sense for the recording to be in the present tense because of the way video making and the such works, but of course, you are the author, so whatever you think is best
I will have to rework the prologue to make sense of everything and have the main character rewind the recording but that'll be chapter two or three I guess
I'm not that much into Sci-Fi but I decided to give your story a try.
First things first, I actually liked how this turned out. It wasn't boring to read and it kinda looks like I'm gonna look forward for the next chapter. Anyhow, on the side note, each important word on the title are supposed to have their first letters capitalized. I'm no expert, but those are just my basic feedback and suggestion for you. 