Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
"Yea I'm a girl, and you grabbed my breasts," she continued to tell at me. "Get away from me, I never want to see your face again."
I leave as she begins to get angrier. As I'm walking away, I can hear her begin to cry softly so I look back.
"Wait, don't go, please don't go."
I turn around and look back at her when a small fahfin. As the fahfin gets bigger I begin to notice things I did not before like her wings which seemed to be covered in canakus. She is decently sized for her height, and her arms are half covered in canaku all the way down to the hands. She also has a tail and is about as long as she is and is also covered like her hands and wings.
"Why are you looking me up and down, you animal?"
"Wait, what? I was only analyzing you cause I am not from Exlipze-351."
Sam looks at me confused. "Exlipze-351 , what's that, is it something around here?"
"No it's the planet you call home, more precisely this planet." I explained to her. "My home planet is Kyro, and the device you had earlier has all the information about my home world."
As Sam walks back and forth, I notice the panicked look on her face. I think to myself "I guess I scared her by saying I'm from another planet."
(Authors notes: plz tell me what you think cause I may rework it from what I get in the comments. I hope you all enjoy reading this cause I am slowly working on it and wish I could do better so plz comment what you'd like to see changed and ill rework the whole story.)
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140,903 Literary Works • 673,706 Reviews
Hey! Sky here for a review.
So the only thing I can point out is your grammar mistakes:
I think you meant yell instead of tell.
So I kind of thought the character had already turned around, since they looked back. It might have been just me but it was kind of confusing. Also, I feel like this is an incomplete sentence. It just kind of ends abruptly.
Comma after planet.
Comma after myself to start the quotations even though they are just thoughts. I would also put the thoughts into italics instead of writing that the character thinks that.
Other than that, I really can't say much more. I feel like this ended very suddenly and it was just cut off. I made the mistake of not reading the previous parts which I will go and do next, but this is the third part, which means it is the last? If it is, it just ends and leaves the reader with so much confusion. I'm not really sure what's happening here, so I will go back and read the other parts to make sense of it. I would also combine all three parts into one. It's up to you to separate them but it just makes more sense to me like that.
Good job! The story made me curious, and I want to know what it is and where it's going, more about it too. Can't wait to read what happens after. I hope this short review is helpful and I hope it makes sense
~Sky
That's why rough draft is in the title cause I am still working on how it develops later from some comments about what I should change or add
Well the way it's written is first person and not third so it's hard to explain why she's changing moods fast and the records of someone approached you and you had something valuable and fear losing it wouldn't you want to make sure it's there and not somewhere else
I think you've missed my point, dear chap. The reader understands what triggers Sam's emotional shift, I was simply saying that we should be given a little more time and detail to explore the emotional reactions. Not just of Sam, but of Protag (what's his name? I can't ever recall him being named)
And um, I'm not sure what the second part was about.
I think I deleted the name it was in the first part of my memory serves correctly
Ok I gotta to add that but I think ill add it in the next part before I forget
Never mind it's in part two it's when he meets sam