Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter Four: Sundrop: Royal Heiress Vine
The scratches are multiplying on my body as I run through the confusing Labyrinth Forest, just outside the town seaport of Yaman. A bone chilling mist covers the air. My breath comes slower and with more difficulty, causing me to slow down as the battle of my hometown becomes farther and farther away.
“Run while you can, little elf princess. I will find you.” The cruel laugh echoes the forest like a frightening promise.
Tears of desperation fill the pale green eyes as I try to run faster, straining the muscles in my legs, only to stumble and fall. Trembling from the cold, I struggle back to my feet, wincing as pressure on her right leg nearly blinds her.
‘Please, Diethelm, help me!’ I huddle under one of the older trees, praying that the plea will reach the heir.
Several minutes pass and just as I am about to give up, a bright ball of light appears in front of me, pulsing with the faint presence of the Diethelm. Staggering again to my feet, I move closer, following the path it lights along the way. Nervously glancing around, I cannot hear the footsteps of the three monsters that had been tracking me since I left on Father’s last orders.
An hour of walking with the strange light leads me standing beside a large tree with a hollow base. Shivering and tired, I crawl inside, watching in surprise as the light melds over the entrance, creating a strong barrier. Slipping unconscious, I whisper, “Thank you.”
A slim hand falls onto the young elf’s shoulder as a soft voice asks, concerned, “Are you lost, Princess?”
The elf glances up from her huddled position in the alley’s dead end. The girl can't have been much older than her, scarlet eyes catching her attention almost immediately. But more importantly, the warmth the girl radiated shoved all doubt from her mind.
“How did you find me, Diethelm?” The elf asks as the girl takes her hand, pulling her to her feet with care.
“I could hear your cries.” The girl smiles warmly, leading the other into the main street and towards the large building in the center of the town.
Still confused, the elf follows behind the girl, moving closer when the townspeople begins to crowd around them. The town paid the two no attention and soon they reached the large building, where her parents stood in front of, scanning the crowds, frantically.
“There you go, Princess.” The girl smiles widely and before Sundrop can turn around, she was already slipping back through the crowd.
“Wait!” She calls out, just as her parents catch sight of her and rush forward.
The sunlight streaming through the opening in the tree’s base wakes me as I sit up. Glancing at the opening, I notice the nearly transparent shine of the ward that keeps me hidden from the Aeron warriors that have been following me. Laying my hand against the barrier, I whisper, “You can stop now, Diethelm. I can make it from here.”
The barrier flickers briefly before shattering in a shower of sparks. Crawling through the opening, I spy the seaport in the far distance. Wincing at the scratches that cover my tan skin, I sniff the air around me in search of the scent of fresh water. Grimacing, the only water nearby is the large amount of salt water that comes from the nearby lake. Sighing, I head in that direction, keeping sight of the seaport as I go.
When nearing the lake, I realize the Aeron recruits that had been following me aren’t in the forest. They must have gone back. My heart clenches at the thought of my home in ashes, but knowing Father’s last order is the most important to fulfill.
I will find the Diethelm. No matter what it takes. Coming upon the large saltwater lake, I scoop up a handful and starts the painful task of cleaning the wounds my flight from home had given me. The dried blood begins to peel away, causing fresh to seep through the deeper cuts. Rummaging through the small stack of clothes I manage to snatch before what was supposed to be my training, I remove an old shirt and begins to strip the shirt into many long strips of cloth.
Bandaging the worst of the wounds the initial attack had given me, I pull my bow and arrows close and stands to make my way towards the immense power source that resides currently in the seaport, where the Diethelm has to be. Tracing my way back to my original spot, I comes across the dirt path that leads to my destination.
The peace calms me, allowing the stress from the past few days to diminish. Hunger claws at my stomach, but I refuse to kill any of the rabbits that cross my path. The desire to be within the Diethelm’s presence blocks out my hunger for the moment. Halfway to the town, the sight of two people dressed in the signature attire from the moon, Saturn, unconscious pulls me away from the path to their location just a few meters from the dirt path.
Moving closer, the overpowering scent of blood startles me. My stash of cloth bandages will be gone, I decide while kneeling down beside the closest, a girl whose face looks familiar. Unable to place where I have seen it before, I shake the thought from my head as I quickly use the remaining old shirt to stem the blood that pours from a large gash on the girl’s right thigh. Turning my focus to the boy beside her, I notice their striking similarities and decide they are siblings. The only real difference in their appearance was their genders. Both have long violet hair and pale skin. Frowning, I notice the boy has no serious wounds compared to his companion.
He begins to stir as I finish bandaging the wound on the girl’s thigh tightly. The others aren't much of a problem, being mere scratches that will heal in a few days. Relaxing now that the girl will be alright for now, I ask the now conscious boy, “Who are you? My name is Sundrop Vine, Princess of the Elves.”
Cold violet eyes pierce my light green eyes for several minutes before he responds, “My name is Prince Janus of Saturn.”
The royal twins? I blink in surprise. I remember faintly of Father telling me there had been a huge civil dispute on Saturn about the royal twins that were born. I never learned why, but as I look at the two I ask, “How did you two get injured?”
Janus visibly flinches, refusing to meet my eyes. Rubbing a spot on his arm almost like an instinct, he whispers, “Not right now, please. We came to Estrellan to find the Diethelm.”
They aren't a threat. They are powerful, yes, but they didn't seem to hold any grudge or hatred towards the Diethelm when he spoke of her. Instead, it is a longing to his tone, as if he had been running towards some safe haven. So very much like myself, I admit. Even without Father’s order to go to the Diethelm, I know that I’d have been pulled to the girl by the mere instinct that all Estrellans have when it concerns their future ruler.
“She’s in the seaport.” I explain and nod in direction of the town just a mile away.
“We felt her presence there on Saturn and using the transport spell drained us. We were lucky to even get off the moon.” Janus explains as he carefully picks up his sister in a bridal style.
Standing up as well, I ask, “What is her name?”
Janus continues walking up the path. After a few minutes of complete silence between us, he quietly answers, “Hotaru, my older twin sister.”
Silence reigns among us again until they reach the seaport where a teen stands beside the gates. Her scarlet eyes watch as we come closer with a look of contemplation before a smile lights up her face.
“Hello, Princess. It has been awhile since last met.” The comment causes both of us to eye the teen in surprise, unable to believe that the Diethelm has been waiting.
Janus steps closer, eyes sparking with confusion as he asks, “Were you expecting us to arrive?”
A knowing glint enters the Diethelm’s eyes as she replies in a light tone, “The music pulled me here this morning. But I am glad you are safe.” Motioning for us to follow, she opens the gate to the town, long ebony hair blowing in the sea breeze.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Unsilenced War-Chapter 5Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,388 Literary Works • 673,147 Reviews
Hello again, darling! Here to review, of course, haven't read other reviews, I suppose you know the spiel by now.
The first thing I noticed in this chapter was that it appears to have originally been written in third person. You mention "the" pale green eyes, and pressure on "her" right leg nearly blinding her - this is something that you'll have to go through and fix, little by little. You need the subject to match across the whole thing, obviously, and you need to make sure that all your verbs are in the proper tense and form and so on.
I think I have one real problem with the word "Diethelm": It looks like "diet helm", which makes me think of a helmet that helps people diet or something. One thing to watch out for when using non-English words as titles is to make sure that they don't necessarily resemble one or more English terms that might make it sound a little funny or read a little strangely.
If you have more than one POV, especially in the beginning, you need to work extra hard to distinguish the speakers' voices from one another. I can tell this girl apart from Israel, but not from Kaida - it's a little confusing, figuring out how one voice sounds compared to another.
There's also very little background as to where, exactly, we are. You mention Saturn, you mention Aeron, you mention Estrellan, but we have no clue what the distance is between any of these things, what the relation is, what anything is; we're going by what characters are saying, with little to no establishment of the world as a whole.
Keep writing!
So I realize I jumped into to nitpicks without any sort of preamble, and I haven't been giving this novel the attention it deserves. I blame both on review day.
Again, I really think you should use my eyes instead of the eyes but it is, of course, up to you as the author.Also, my edits can come across as very authoritative. While I believe it's my job to tell you exactly what I think. You, the author, are God and have the final say. So if you don't agree with something I wrote feel free to ignore it.
As far as praising goes I'm still amazed at your story building. I like how your introducing us to all these characters while still progress the story. The writing has just enough backstory and description, it's beautiful.
Should it be me instead of her?
That last frase, starting with praying, kind of drags on the action. We understand the situation and her desperation without it.
This is a super nitpick that you are welcome to ignore, but I almost think "I nervously" and "But I cannot," would make more sense, but it's not really a big deal.
Guess what? I think there's too much happening in this sentence and you should break it up
I think this gets it's own paragraph because it's new dialogue? yeah, I pretty sure you need to start a new paragraph.
This sentence doesn't read quite right for me. You might be able to fix it but changing it too , " I grimace, as the only water..." but maybe that's not what you want. Work with it, see what you can come up with.
Again, I think it should but "But I know Father's..." otherwise it doesn't quite make sense.
You either need to rephrase this or put a comma after unconscious because right now it doesn't make sense.
Tense slip, is their genders.
Delete "for now", also, remember again to give dialogue a new paragraph. You forget again on the next dialogue as well.
Biggest things in this chapter were tense slips and run on sentences, so be careful of those. Anyway, on to the next chapter. xD.