Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter Three: Kaida, Heiress Mordecai
Darkness hides the unconscious twins as I study the chains binding my ankles to the ice cold stones that make upthe wall behind me. Subtle cracks in the rusting metal cuffs around my ankles hide my master plan from the slave holder. My black fox ears twitch towards the door as it closes with a hard slam and I tense in confusion. I remain perfectly still for several minutes with my muscles stiff before I finally realize what caused my unexpected confusion. The man forgot to lock the door. My silver eyes widen further as my sharp hearing fails to pick up the click of the door.
Hope bubbles cautiously in my chest as I listen for His return. Unsure of how much time has passed, I finally grin. He isn't coming back anytime soon. I glance over at the twins, still passed out, and made a snap decision. I close my eyes and tug harshly on my magick much harder than I have ever done before. My eyes lock onto the chains and I urge the power that fills me to snap them. Time passes in a slow crawl before a loud crack fills the room and the dreaded cuffs crash to the floor, searing me where my magick had shattered the torturous devices.
A whimper of pain comes from the twin’s direction and I turn to see Devalis eyeing me with shock. I wince at the bruises that decorate his skin as well as the dark bags under his eyes.
“What did you do, Kaida?” He hisses in fury.
I can tell he did not know the man had left for his usual hunting for game I struggle to my feet and glare back at him in frustration. Devalis is smart; but he could be such a pain with his annoying attempts to control the situation. “He has left and didn't lock the doors! We’re escaping; so get Aretha.”
I growl while pushing open the cellar door and nearly passed out from the sudden heat that marked the Barrenaba island. I quietly enter the living room and search around until I find a map and a box full of gold coins and precious gems that could be dug from the desert earth. In the meantime, Devalis had set Aretha down on the couch and came out of a room with a bag. Inside are several books in which I recognizeto be about the Ruler and the ability to connect with whomever held the role.
I place the coins and gems at the bottom of the bag before entering the kitchen. I found several containers of ice tea and water and ponder how to carry them as well when Aretha quietly states, “If you can find a pen and paper, I can seal them for us.”
I smile at the obviously exhausted girl and handed her the supplies that I found in a cabinet. I remove the ceremonial dagger engraved with runes from my pocket and slice a small gash onto my palm. Allowing the blood to flow into a small cup, I murmur so the others won't hear, “Israel, Heir DarkSun.”
Blood slowly leaves the cup and onto my hands. Glancing at the directions, I notice he isn't far from here. It would probably take four hours of walking; which normally isn't a problem, but I doubted that we could do it after our long period of being locked up and constantly hurt. I send a quick prayer that he’d continue this direction, and looked to the twins who were quietly talking near the door, nervously eyeing me and the door with fearful hope burning in their twin sapphire eyes.
I set the cup on fire to avoid anyone using my blood for any horrid spells and grabbed several sandwiches from the cupboard for us to eat on the way there. Finally, we head out the door, careful to keep watch on any of the wounds we still have not healed yet. Glancing around, I could tell we were on the edge of the wasteland of the desert and near the north where the Dark Forest and the Celestial Sea outlined where the tribes lived.
“So, where did he go?” Aretha asks while we take a break under the shade of a palm tree.
“Hunting, but he didn't lock the doors. It is rather odd.” I frown as I puzzle over why he did something so strange.
My ears twitch at the shuffling of leaves and a sudden crack of a branch snapping. Turning to face the direction it came from, I freeze. My voice falters and I drop the dagger in my shock. Only one person has those stunning emerald eyes that are staring at me. Israel.
“Heiress Mordecai.” He states with a kind smile touching his face for the first time since I have known him.
My eyes stray to the blood stains on his silk shirt and his hand with concern. “Heir DarkSun.” He seems to notice all of the things I did not say and shakes his head softly at me.
“I believe the horrid man I just removed from this realm was the one who was responsible for your friends’ conditions?” Israel asks coldly.
Devalis nods, eyeing Israel with suspicion. I wrap my arms around Israel tightly. It has been years since I last seen him and I can't bring myself to part with him again. Aretha notices and quietly glares at Devalis while I agree to Israel’s suggestion to come with him to his Master before we headed to the Shaden Academy.
End of chapter
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140,388 Literary Works • 673,147 Reviews
Sooouuuul, darling. Hello again! *blinks* What happened to chapter two? I would review it but I can't find it. o.O Anyways, I'll just get down to review this chapter, then, shall I? Let's see... I'm just going to do what I did last time; comment every four or so paragraphs, mmkay?
Here we go, then!
I love how you dropped us right into the middle of something and I'm like "wait, what?" for a second. But that's cool. I'm enjoying it. ^^ I like how you've let use know the stone wall is ice cold, and that there's others in the cell (I'm assuming cell) with Kaida. I feel as though there could be more to this. Is it dark? Is it cold? Is Kaida hurt?
Also, this here is a bit of an awkward sentence;
I suggest you break this up or something. Perhaps a little like this? Here;
I think that might work better. What do you say? It felt like you'd mushed two different sentences together. You could also use a semicolon. Like this; see?
Also, this one here;
Um, what. I'm confused by this. I think you need to reword this and maybe split it into two or more sentences. Let me see if I can come up with something that works and makes sense? Here;
I think that works better. As usual, feel free to use my suggests or completely disregard them. ^^
"Devalis is smart; but he" - This semicolon isn't needed here. Try removing it altogether or replacing it with a comma.
"We’re escaping; so get Aretha." - Again, the semicolon isn't strictly needed. You can remove it entirely or just use a comma instead. ^^
*blinks* Um, say what? Soul, darling, this;
Sandwiches from the cupboard? Wouldn't you normally make those from scratch? Also, if premade they'd be in a cool place. I suggest you clear that up. Are these preserved by magic or recently made or what? Because trust me, if they're weren't preserved by magic or recently made and not in a cool place, they would have gone off pretty damn fast. Depending on the bread and what's inside the sandwich. So, Soul darling, please explain.
So. That was interesting. Kaida is a girl? I thought she was boy. Sorry about that. I completely misread the chapter's title. Now that I have, it's really obvious. I feel like an idiot. XD Anyways, I really like the way you write. It's different and really unique. I do have to say, things could have been a little clearer and you could have had a little bit more description. I have no idea what the surrounding area looks like, or the house, or the cell or anything. I suggest working that in subtly, okay?
Overall, Soul. This was nice. But I must ask you; where is chapter two? I feel like we're missing a whole chunk of events and information, and that there's probably things we should know that aren't in this chapter. Other than that, I don't think I have anything more to say, Soul. So, yeah, there's that.
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar. <3
I am so sorry Scarlett O.o Chapter two had been drafted and not published...odd. But its up now!
Hello again, darling. I seem to have jumped from chapter 1 to chapter 3? Well.
Again, you seem to have a bit of an issue with your description overpowering your action. While the story promises to be interesting, the reader doesn't want to have to fight through the description of every little thing (something I can be guilty of myself); the reader wants the story to be delivered in clear, concise chunks, so they understand exactly what's going on and have just enough mystery to make their own inferences.
You also seem to be dropping characters on the reader seemingly left and right, and because we don't have any background on them or why we should care about them, it's kind of a case of Talking Head syndrome - we know they're main characters, we know we should care about them, but we also have no clue why, or who they are, or what kind of characters they are, or what purpose they serve in the story. This is why I caution against having large casts in fantasy numbers, because you already have plenty of worldbuilding to do without introducing ten characters and expecting us to be able to get them straight after one chapter. (Thank you for not doing that, at least.)
A good way to show characterization through description is to use their body language to show that; you have some of that in here, but it's overshadowed by a lot of your larger descriptions, and I think that cutting down on it would still keep it from going overboard into purple prose-land.
Again, has a lot of potential, but could use a bit of editing elbow grease. Keep writing, love!
Have a review, submitted it as a comment initially instead. Oops.
First, this is a run on sentence, you need a comma or a period or something after magick(I love that you spelled it that way bytheway xD) Also, this sentence veers on wordy. You always want to use as few words as possible because they more words you use the say something, the less impactful it becomes. For example, if you cut, much, the sentence becomes, "I close my eyes and tug harshly on my magick, harder than I've ever done before." What do think? Better?
You could cut "I can tell" and "in frustration" and it still works, plus it should be does, not did. And you need a period after game.
[/quote]Inside are several BOOKS in which I recognizeto be about the Ruler and the ability to connect with whomever held the role.[/quote] Again, revise this and see if you can cut down on words. And you missed a space between recognize, and too.
Tense slip, should be find. There are several other tense slips, so be on the look up, unless your doing some sort of flashback or to invite that happened before you MC's narration, it needs to be in present.
Again, too many things are happening in this sentence, break it up. Also why did you have your MC tell us what Israel said rather then just have him say something to the affect of. "You should come with me to the master" and I say, "Okay"(obviously you will make it much, much better than this). It will give a stronger, less rushed, more definite ending.
There are still run on sentences and tense slips, but enough edits will allow you to catch those. Everything I said last review still applies here, while adding the wordy sentences.
Now, what I loved. I'm so intrigued by how you connected the chapters. I don;t understand how we got from point A to point B but that's okay. It keeps me on my toes. I'm excited to see figure out what's going on and how these too characters are connected, so that's good. you've perked my interest.