Chapter One: Israel, Heir Darksun
A letter, faded to yellow, lies unopened on the red oak desk as I turn my gaze away from the enticing academic invitation to the window, which frames the desolate, parched desert of my home. Black rimmed eyes stare tiredly outside as the dry wind sends sand into the air and a small amount into my room through the screened window. Even with my unusually long sleeved shirt, the bruises of various stages of healing mar my pale skin peek out from under it. Finger-like marks in a deep black stand out on my neck and send a burning pain with each breath. Hot, fresh tears burn behind my eyelids at the constant reminders of Father’s hatred. Moist, pine green eyes open to focus again on the letter as slim fingers begin an anxious tapping on the desk. I already know what the cracking parchment says, so why bother with reading it?
I can’t leave Mama here alone. Not when I’m the only one who knows how to care for her. Still the burning, aching desire to leave sears my heart. I cross the room to peer at my calendar where Angeliquen tauntingly circled the first day of Shaden Academy in bright, crimson ink. Two weeks away and I truly crave freedom from the hate stifling the air here in the Darksun Manor.
With a final glance at the desk where Master’s letter lies open beneath the Shaden Academy invitation, I kneel next to my bed in the right corner behind the desk. Reaching underneath the mattress, I pull out the large, three compartments trunk Master Xander gifted me with just four days ago during my last visit. Whispering the password to open the specialized Elixir Compartment, I quickly stand up and cross the room to my bookshelf in the back room on the left.
I strain my inhuman hearing for any noise of Father’s harsh, brisk footsteps or Angel’s slow, confident pace before removing the heavy stone. The freed stone reveals a large pocket of space created from the constant shifting sands I had discovered when I was five. With steady, cautious hands I take out the large bag of glass vials that clink together softly. The room seems to echo with the glass moving together as I withdraw one of the pain relieving vials. Master always ensures I had a complete stock of all the necessary healing elixirs. Swallowing the vial quickly, I sigh in relief as the mint flavored medicine dulls the crushing pain to a bearable ache. I head back to the trunk with the vials and carefully shelf each kind in a different shelf before securely locking it and opening the second compartment for books.
I make my way back to the hole in the wall and remove my giant collection of healing texts and the set of light throwing knives and set them on the desk while I replace the giant stone back into place. I clear the rest of the books from my bookshelf and place them all into the Compartment shelves. Sliding underneath the bed on my stomach, I peel free the loose floorboard and remove the only photo album of Mama and me. Once secured inside, I open the first compartment and stash all my clothes and the throwing knives inside. Going to the desk, I stash Master’s latest letter into the ornate box Mama gave to me with all the others before slipping that inside the trunk as well. Finally, I close the trunk and shrink it. Placing it in my pocket, I look around my now barren room with a small pang of pain of leaving Mama here alone, but as I cross the room, my eyes drift to catch sight of the unopened letter and I snatch it up and stuff it into my pocket as well. I reach the door, resolving that I would stay with Master from now on. There is no reason for me to stay here any longer.
A harsh coughing fit echoes the lowest wing in the large manor which I share with Mama during the rare time I decide to stay the night. I quickly wander through the identical hallways before pausing before the only pristine white door in the house. Waving a hand, I sigh at the familiar warmth of the glamour charm as it washes over me, hiding the abuse and lack of sleep from Mama’s sight. Worry etches onto my face as the coughs continues while I knock on the door, quietly so not to be harsh on Mama’s and my sensitive hearing. I enter the room as she calls me in with a hoarse whisper. Catching sight of her hunching forward in bed, gasping for air after more ragged coughing, I close the door and make a glass of water from the first sink and cabinet near the door.
“Mother?” I call out as I turn away from the sink, water glass in hand, to take a quick survey of the room done in pure white. The ever-pungent aroma of disinfectant clings to everything within the room. Having remodeled the room all by myself, I shove the familiar smell away to focus my undivided attention back to Mother. As I cross the room to her bed, I can tell that she looks worse than before.
At last the coughs subside and she notices me at the foot of the bed. She smiles weakly and beckons me closer with a bony hand, “Come closer, Israel.”
I oblige and settle down at her side and hands over the glass. Watching her carefully as she drinks the soothing water in just a few minutes, I can see the tremors in her hands have worsened and that her skin is a paler shade than yesterday. Today has been one of the worst in several months I realize with a guilty ache in my heart.
“Has the letter come yet, darling?” Mama questions, igniting the hope I hold for attending the school.
“Yes, mother. It arrived while I was with Master earlier this week.” I admitted before I can stop myself. Eyes widen in horror at the truth and I quickly look away from her beaming smile.
Gently taking my hand, Mama pleads, “Israel, look at me.”
Even without looking, I know my actions have turned her smile into a frown. Giving a small sigh, I look back at her. Once my eyes meet her violet ones, she tightens the hold on my hand and firmly declares, “You will attend Shaden Academy, Israel Zorya Darksun. It is not a child’s place to care for their sick mother.”
Upon seeing my attempt to protest, she musters up the strength to glare fiercely at me, “Go and make friends. Be happy, Israel.” Her tone and eyes soften as she finishes, “I want only for your happiness, my precious Israel. Even I can see happiness is not found here even though it should be.”
“But who will care for you!” I ask, not trusting Father or Angeliquen to care for Mama if I am away.
“Master Xander can manage, child. You will go and that is the end of it!’ Her eyes spark at the order.
I can’t help, but stare in stunned shock before wrapping my arms around her fragile waist in a tight hug. “Thank you, Mama.” I whisper in unspeakable gratitude.
Her slim arms wrap around my shoulders as she murmurs tiredly, “Make me proud, my brilliant star.”
I smile and nod in agreement. Heart warming at the beautiful smile she shares with me, I help her with her afternoon medications before watching as she begins to drift asleep. Pulling up the covers to fight the nightly cold weather, I whisper, “I love you, Mama.”
Taking a few seconds to watch mother sleep, I found myself swearing to do my best. Uplifted by her blessing, I leave the room and close the door behind me. Leaning back against it I focus on the floors above in attempt to find Father’s and Angeliquen’s activities. The rhythmic scratching of quill on parchment tells me Father is in the study on the third floor , per usual for this time of day. But as I listen for Angeliquen, I feel a thrill of fear coil in my chest as I can’t pinpoint where he is. Nervously, I head through the hallways meant to confuse those who make it past the gates. Taking the final turn into the large entrance hall, I allow my wings to partially unfurl from my back. Giant, black wings slip through the slits in my clothing to reveal their thin, leathery appearance. They are similar to the bat wings native to this part of the Realm. I just open the front door when a voice from behind stops me cold from my freedom.
“Where are you going, brother?” The title is sneered at me, putting my nerves on edge and tensing my shoulders. I glance behind me to spot Angeliquen leaning against the marble staircase.
“I am off to Master Xander, brother.” Venom drips from the title as we glare hatefully at another.
“If you think you can take my place as heir then you are a fool.” Angel snarls, amber eyes darkening with restrained fury.
I hiss in fury as years worth of hatred and rage consumes me. My magic blankets the air like a dense fog as a large red barrier forms between us. I can’t resist the urge to smirk at Angeliquen’s shocked expression as I step outside into the desert. I jump into the air and allow the harsh wind to send me up higher.
I stare down at Angel and state, “Since the creation of the Shadow Faery, the Darksun Family has always headed the race as their ruler. But only the heir can rule and they must be a Shadow Faery. Which, dearest brother, you are not, yet I am.”
My barrier shatters under Angel’s rage as his magic lashes out. Narrowly missing the curse thrown at me, I speed off in direction to Master’s home which is just a few minutes flight away. As Angel and the manor disappear behind me, I breath a sigh of relief. Allowing the feel of the flight to consume me, the tension flees my body. I grin brightly as I land down a few feet from Master with cheeks flush from the sunlight and the chilling wind as the sun begins to die down.
The sight of Master working over a cauldron keeps me from disturbing him. So, I glance over him to see how he fared the past four days without me. I frown when I spot the light bags under his scarlet eyes and the unkempt hair that falls below his shoulders.
“Israel, did something happen?” Master asks; red eyes watching as I sit next to him, allowing my head to rest on his shoulder.
I release the glamour hiding my bruises and I can hear the sharp intake of breath clearly. The tensing of his shoulders and the quickening of his heart causes me to sit up and eye him warily. His warm fingers ghost lightly over my neck causing me to pull back sharply at the pain which brings tears to my eyes.
Master carefully pulls me into his arms as he stands up, easily carrying my light body into the common adobe styled house. The familiar and soothing scent of herbs allows me to relax into his hold as we make our way into my room where I kept the most valuable of my belongings inside. The sight of the clothes folded on my desk causes me to smile faintly as he places me on the bed. Master’s long, spidery fingers run through my hair as he watches as I begin to drift slowly into sleep. He leaves for a few minutes and I know he is getting a jar of the bruise salve stocked in the pantry. I slip asleep shortly after he re-enters my room. Finally, freedom at last.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Unsilenced War-Chapter 2Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,387 Literary Works • 673,143 Reviews
After just reading the first paragraph I got hitched. When I read this I was able to imagine every single detail of the event. You did extremely well explaining the characters and describing what was happening in detail. I plan on continuing to read this. I hope you keep writing. it's hard to get me into a book now days. The fact that your work was able to catch my interests was impressive. Good luck and keep up the good work!
Timmy here!
Since this piece is longer, and I want to see things as I read - it's easier for me to remember things that way - I shall critique and stuff as I go through, and comments at end, okay?
So while I truly love the intricate details you insert into your writing, sometimes your descriptions can become quite wordy, and too many adjectives clutter up the message and image you try to give us. Yes, adjectives are your screen in our minds, giving us that wonderful image of your story, but sometimes when you overdo them, they take away from the piece rather than building to it. So let's look at the part I pulled out and see what could go, what could be simplified, and what is perfect the way it is.
This is one of those times when you must rely on the reader to help you - remember they have pre-installed images in their minds already. Like tell someone a sasquatch is chasing them and voila! whether they can turn or not to see it, they already have that perfect image in their heads. Because some things don't need to be explained, merely told. A faded letter, to me, would have worked just fine. We have all seen faded letters before - and doing it that way eliminates two commas and needless descriptions.
You've mentioned the letter twice in the same sentence, but in such a way that I had to read it twice or three times in order to understand what you were trying to say. I think this could have been simplified, as well. Maybe just did some snipping and omitted the second reference altogether? Something like: a faded academic invitation lies unopened on the red oak desk as I turn my gaze to the window... - or something similar. With your wonderful style, you can capture it much better.
I'll say that I am an immense fan of your word choice here - parched couldn't have been said better, really. It gave me such a perfect image to relish, and the parched taste of the desert was too perfect. But the desolate seemed a bit much for the present, and it looked almost like you were just thumb-tacking words on the edges of descriptions because you realized you were leaving something out. If the desert is that important to describe (which I would think it is), then don't worry about droning on for another sentence of description and give us an image of desolate. It's better to have two flowing sentences of description than one disjointed one.
O_o The way this is worded makes me think she is inhuman or something - capable of so much more than other people when it comes to hearing or something.... If that is true, then you may want to give some explanation so your reader aren't left with a whaaa? at that comment. If not, I would say find some other word to express what you're saying here.
This sentence was awkward. Perhaps: I realize with a guilty ache in my heart that today has been one of the worst in several months - or something similar? It just flows better when written in that way.
you've got yerself a comma escapee after floor.
I read the conversation with the two brothers talking as Loki and Thor. *Ahem* Anyway, I really loved this, and your style - well, your style is fluid and wonderful. I love how your descriptions give you such a well-rounded picture, implementing every sense you can to give your reader such a complete image and scene. I could honestly smell that disinfectant, and taste the parchness in the desert. Everything was so lovely that way.A few things did give me slight jerks as I read along, probably mainly just because of the fact that the beginning and such gave me no hints as to what genre this was, and what kind of being he was. I only assumed he was all-human, and all-natural, but hey, I just assumed. What I would do is either work on the transition for that, because it seemed rather jerky when I found that he had, #1 inhuman hearing, and #2 wings like a bat. After I got past the part with a bat and the magical bouts, everything was all good and everything. I understood what this book was, and that it was very fantasy and all, but I think you may want to smooth things over with the transition from the normal-like school invitation thingy to the magical powers thing. But just a little smoothing. Not too much.
All in all, I would call this a truly epic beginning. It's already tense, he is already hurt and his parents aren't doing well - and the tension between the two brothers is quite neat, too. Just adds more to the story, I think.
Well, onto the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake
Souuuul, darling. <3 I'm here to review your novel chapter. I'm not the best at this, but I'll try for a general overview type thing, okay? I think that should work. *sets about reading and writing down her thoughts* Let's see what we have here, then... I think I might do this as a four or so paragraph thing? Right...that'll probably work... Hmm.
I really like your descriptions and the way you're using present tense and first person. It's interesting. Please don't change that. Now, the first few paragraphs are good. I don't see what the other reviewers are complaining about when they talk about the "my eyes" ting. Maybe Israel doesn't use that term? Who knows. Or the run-on sentences. There are some you might need to reconsider, but otherwise, I think it works.
Although here is where you might be able to split it up;
This is what I'd do;
Doesn't that sound much better? And you now have two strong opening lines that really catch your reader's attention. I hope that helps!
Now, the first four paragraphs. I like how you mention "Father's hatred" but don't explain it. I think waiting until later to do that works well. It gives people a "Wait, what?" moment that makes them want to keep reading. It did for me, anyways! I like the way you've got him moving around and shifting things and straining to hear footsteps. It gives us a very "I-must-do-this-quietly-or-something-nasty-will-happen" feel to the scene.
I do agree with the other reviewer about this part with using shelf twice;
I would change the first shelf to something else. It's weird to carefully shelf something somewhere. I would change it to this;
Doesn't that sound better?
Now, the next several. I like this imagery, but this sentence feels awkward;
If this were me, I might change it to something like;
I think this sounds a little better. Plus, it'll boost your word count!
Also, I think this part needs a little work. It runs on somewhat and it could sound better;
Let's try this;
That's a bit better, yes? You're welcome to use any of my edits. I don't mind. ^^
Soul, darling, I think you're missing a word here;
I would add an "in" or "throughout" between "echoes" and "the" so it's not as awkward. Let me show you;
Also, hows does someone "make" a glass of water, Soul? I think you need to describe that more. Like, turning on a tap or something? Please fix this bit so it makes more sense, darling.
"water glass"? I think you mean, "glass of water" here.
"hands"? I think you mean "hand" here, darling.
Soul, I agree with the other reviewer, but not on changing "ask" to "said" in this part here;
I think that exclamation mark needs to be a question mark, otherwise change the "ask" to "protest". Either way, it sounds better. The rest is fine. You could leave it or put a full stop there instead of a comma and start with "I don't trust", etc. Up to you in the end, of course.
Here, you've switched quotation marks;
It starts off with two and ends with one. Just thought I'd let you know, Soul. <3
"I can’t help, but stare" - you don't need the comma here, but you can keep it if you want. ^^
Now, this part, Soul;
You could switch "glance" to "look". Either one works, but I feel "look" sounds better.
"I speed off in direction to Master’s home" - I would change "to" to "of". It sounds better.
"I breath a sigh of relief." - "breath" needs to be "breathe". You forgot the "e". ^^
Overall, I think this is really, really well done. I love Israel and the way he acts on his own, and the way he reacts and interacts with others. I really love the way you've done that. The imagery, when I can understand what you're trying to say, is amazing and brilliant. I like that as well. Also, I love the interaction between Israel and his mother, and the interaction between Israel and his master. I'm assuming this is her magic teacher, yeah?
Also, you showed me this before and you've really improved on it. I liked it before, and I still like it now. Probably like it better, actually. I'm hoping this review helped you, and you take into account what I've suggest. I really think with just a little bit of switching up words and changing things and splitting up sentences, this could be even better! Also, I remember from reading this before, that I also thought Israel was a girl....right up until the confrontation between him and Angel, his older brother. I thought Angel was a girl, too, but in the second half of the sentence that mentions him, you clear that up pretty swiftly.
And that's about all I have to say now, Soul. Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Hello, Soul! Of course I'm here to review; pardon if I repeat anything other reviewers have said, as I haven't read their reviews.
First of all, I'd like to say that the story definitely sounds really interesting. I'm invested in reading it, but there are a few points where critique might benefit you.
A lot of your imagery seems overblown; you could simplify some of the description and the images down, so the reader doesn't have to slog through it every sentence or two. It's a chore to remove description, but I think that if you cut it down to what description you really need to tell the story - then add a few more details for an artistic point - then the story itself will come across much clearer. For example, going off details in paragraph one; while we might need to know that Israel has bruises on his arms because it's integral to his character background, we don't need to know that his eyes are moist and pine green - and, in fact, because this is first person narration, a lot of those details would be overlooked by the speaker. This especially applies to self-descriptors, like his pale skin; you could say something like "The bruises are dark against my skin and make me look even paler", not necessarily "bruises mar my pale skin".
The story itself isn't bad, but your description definitely gets in the way and bogs it down. The pacing in the first few paragraphs, while it might have been slower because it's a quiet period and the narrator is thinking, has slowed to a crawl and almost to a stop at points because of the description, even when he's describing how he's listening for his father and Angel.
Because of the heavy description, it's hard to even find where the action happens in the chapter - you find the dialogue easily enough, but suddenly it feels like it goes from Israel in the Darksun Manor to Israel with Master Xander, and the last line of the chapter seems to be a little cheesy and in the overblown style.
Overall, not bad - it has a lot of potential, but I think it's being held back right now.
Hey there. The other reviewer made a good point I'd like to expound on. If you could infuse your decriotions with action, they always work better. Kind of like how you mention your MC crying as he/she looks at the letter, just so it doesn't feel like your dumping exposition on us.
It's interesting to me that you don't use "my eyes" While it is interesting, I think it creates distance between readers and the character that you probably don't want going in. also, I think, "reminders of Father's hatred" could be more subtle. Often times when we're upset, we don't think clearly, so mention something about being hurt by her/his Father, without telling us right now. It seems like it's an important plot point so you should hang it to for a bit longer and leave us in suspense.
I wouldn't recommend using shelf twice in the same sentence, it trips people up.
I'm confused. Israel, I think he is a guy, I wasn't sure at first, decided that he couldn't leave his mother, only now he is leaving her. I missed the part where he made that decision, and I don't understand why he made it.
Also, remember to always very your sentence structure and length. You had a lot of long sentences, which causes them to flow together and make your reader want to skip.
It might flow better if you say something like "...survey of the pure white room."
Haaaaaaaaaave you heard of show don't tell? great! example time here. Rather than saying she looks worse, show us how aghast Israel is at her appearance. Mention that she looks gaunter, her skin is paler, her eyes bloodshot...whatever, but then the image of his mother because stronger and we understand that she's getting worse without you just telling us.
Edit: You do this later, but I think you should do it here, and give more description.
be careful of words like tell, realize, know, remembered, think, imagine, especially inf irst person. They are another example of telling instead of showing and pull the reader out of the story. Sometimes you have to use them, but always try not too. Always remember "show don't tell!"
should be "My eyes"
Should it be said? And delete "not trusting...if I am away." Trust me.
How do these two brothers glare hatefully at each other? Do their eyes darken, narrow? Is their a cold smile on their lips! describe their expressions please! It will give us some much needed insight into their characters.
Edit: You mentioned they darken later, but say it place of the word hatefully.
The other reviewer mentioned the run on sentences, and I think you just jam too many things into one. First you talk about herb scents and relaxing and the you talk a hot going into a room and valuable possessions. Every thought, or at max two, should have it's own sentence, break them up.
Overall it was enchanting too read, you've created an intersting world and give us enough to keep us intrigued without overbearing us. You've set up a lot of things that promise great conflict later, great job!
So I didn't read through all of it as it was a lot. This is what I did review.
You have a lot of run on sentences.
"wind sends sand into the air." This needs the period after air.
"and a small amount into my room through the screened window." Revise. "Some finds its way through the screened window."
The following sentence could be made stronger had you wrote the character wince in pain being reminded of the brusies.
"Moist, pale green eyes open to focus..." Revise. "My eyes opened again to the letter, my fingers an anxious tapping on the desk."
The following sentence can be omitted.
"and I truly crave freedom." Revise.
"gifted me with just four days ago..." Revise. "gifted me with four days ago..."
"I quickly stand up and cross the room to my bookshelf in the back room on the left." Revise as this is a run on sentence. "I stand, crossing the room to the bookshelf."
"I strain my inhuman hearing..." Revise. "Tilting my head, my sensitive hearing listens for..."
"Swallowing the vial quickly..." Revise. What vial did the character swallow? You need to show them making a choice.
"I make my way back to the hole in the wall..." Revise. "Making my way back to the wall, I remove the giant collection of healing texts." The following words before the period need revising.
"during the rare time I decide to stay the night." Omit.
"quiet so as not to be harsh on mama's and my sensitive hearing." Omit.
"I close the door and make a glass of water." Revise. "I close the door, getting a glass of water."
"and cabinet near the door." Omit.
"done in pure white." Omit.
"I shove the familiar smell away to focus my undivided attention back to mother." Omit.
"I can tell she looks worse than before." Revise. "She looks worse than before."
The following sentence of the following paragraph revise.