Chapter Two

by Soulfulwriter

Published July 12, 2016

18+ Language Mature Content

In No Illusion

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

Kicking my shoes off in the living room of my small condo, I go put a frozen macaroni and cheese in the microwave. Sitting on the sofa in front of the television, I turn it on the news channel and grab the book off the end table. Just as I am about to dive into the part where she gets caught cheating my phone rings. I pick it out of my jeans' pocket and it is an unfamiliar number.

I answer it anyway and it's an automated voice, "You are receiving a call from an inmate at Riker's Island, to accept press one."

I press one. "You have only thirty minutes for this call."

The phone rings once and Mossi's husky voice comes through the speaker, "Hey, baby."

"Hey." I squeal excited to hear from him.

"How is my baby doing?"

"I am doing just fine. What about you? How are you holding up?" I set my book down and curl up on the sofa. The microwave beeps and I huff. I get up and get my food.

"It's hell in here, baby. Niggas be fighting for no reason and shit. Sometimes over fucking honey-buns. Makes no sense." He huffs in the phone.

"Aww." I coo, "Sounds stressful."

"It is. How come I am just now talking to you? Where you been at?" The aggravation is clear.

Mossi Jones has been my boyfriend for 4 years now. He is in the drug game and have been since he was 13 years old. Right now, he is locked up for drug smuggling and a robbery which could end in a homicide if the two victims do not pull through. Already having found him guilty on July 5th, he is in jail awaiting his sentencing.

"They have me working all kinds of shifts at Wal-mart and the bank called me for an interview. So, I have kind of been running around trying to hold the fort down for you." I explain to him.

I have been through a lot of drug dealing boys since I left my parent's house. With my first drug dealing boyfriend who went by Tug, he showed me a life of high living and fast money. That's when I became addicted to the life style and what they gave me or could get me. Best believe, I never had to put out for them and if they asked me to put out or try to manipulate me, I would move on to the next boy.

I also never had to spend my own money on anything, like this condo. Mossi bought this for me when he realized I was still staying at my best friend's house. When we made it to a year, he was fed up with the fact that I was 23 years old and had a curfew, so, he made the arrangements to where I would stay. He said all I had to do was work and study in college, he would take care of all the bills. And that's how it has been for three years now almost four, with the occasional splurging of gifts and the new car that sits outside. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Well, you are my babygirl and I love that you do your own thing. But, you know you don't have to work..."

The doorbell rings interrupting him.

"Hold on, Mossi. Someone is at the door." I amble to the door and peek through the peephole. There are two cops standing on the other side.

What the hell? With Mossi still on the phone, I open the door and the officers are staring at me. I lean on the door frame, "How can I help you two?"

They flash me their badges while the male officer whose name tag reads Reilly states, "We are from the NYPD and we have a few questions for you."

"Questions? About what?"

"May we come in?" Reilly ignores my question.

I hesitantly look back at my decently clean condo space, "Sure." I open the door and they step in and look around. I close the door and walk them into the living room. "Would you two like something drink or eat?"

"No thank you, ma'am."

I offer for them to sit and they do. I take the recliner that faces the sofa. "So, what's this about?"

The female officer whose name tag reads Abbott says, "We want to know where you were on September 15, 2014 around," she slips through a small notepad she pulled from her shirt pocket. "eight in the morning."

What the hell is this shit? "I was at work from 8:30am to 5:30pm. I work at Wal-mart. What in the entire fuck is going on here?"

"Do you have anyone who can corroborate that, ma'am?" Abbott presses as she jots down what I said.

"I do actually. Now," I look from Abbott to Reilly. "answer my question, please. What the fuck is going on here?"

"We got a tip from someone that you were in that robbery with your boyfriend that day." Officer Reilly explains the situation me.

"That is absurd," I say unbelieving this. "Who could possibly name me in something..." My mind trails off knowing exactly who could have done it. I look at my cell phone and Mossi is still on the line. He heard everything that was said. I hang up the phone in anger. That bastard. "You can ask my manager and track me on the cameras. At eight in the morning, I left here to go to work and you can ask my neighbors."

They stand up.

Abbott says, "Well, if you have any more information." she hands me her card. "Keep in touch."

I take the card, look over it, and nod. They thank me for my time and leave. I lean with my back against the door and slide down to the floor as my heart beats rapidly against my chest and I begin to shake. There are no words to describe the disloyalty which I am feeling at this moment. 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Dec 3, 2016

Hello again! :D Ooooh the plot has thickened! I love a juicy, complicated plot and I can tell this is going to do the trick. I went ahead and upped the rating for you to 18+ because of the language and the mature themes. We would never want you to censor your work, but if it includes swearing or mature themes like sex, drugs, or violence, include a rating so younger members that don't want exposure to such things won't accidentally read it :)

I like the layers you're adding into the plot so far and the complicated little web you've started to spin. I really like that this MC has experienced some hardship and has made some bad choices since leaving her parents because that feels realistic to me. Typically when young people leave their parents it's not an easy road from there and I think the world that this young lady has fallen into is pretty realistic (unfortunately).

Like in the first chapter, I think you fell into a bit on an info-dump again when the MC is talking about her boyfriend and her relationship history. Remember that in the beginning of novels, you only need to tell us things on a need to know basis because you want to create enough intrigue and mystery to keep us reading on so we can discover the secret. I think in this chapter, the need to know information would be that the person calling is her boyfriend and he's locked up for x crime. That's it. I don't need the why or the how or anything about her lifestyle or past boyfriends at the moment. Some of those details will come out naturally or we'll start to infer about her. You can also show us a lot about her lifestyle by how she lives and what she does rather than telling us. I would also be curious to know when she starts to talk to the boyfriend, how she feels about the situation. How does she feel about her boyfriend being locked away for the foreseeable future? How does she feel about what he did? Does she think it was fair or does she think he was framed? How has her life changed or what is different now that he's no longer here? Who is taking care of her? (You don't have to answer all of those questions right now, think about the need to know and what will be most helpful to help us understand these characters).

When the police come, all of that feels fast to me. I'm no legal expert, but I found it a bit weird that they came to her house for five minutes to question her. Wouldn't that be done at the station? Wouldn't there be more things they would be trying to get out of her? I think you could use this conversation though to show us some things. For one, her name (I'm a little surprised this hasn't been revealed yet...) You could also show some information about the boyfriend and the world she is living in through the question. Ex:
"on this date your boyfriend, name, did this and we know it was in conjunction with this gang/drug cartel/organized group of people and we think you have something to do with it because of this connection we know you have"
Obviously it would be a lot better and more detailed than that :P But I wanted to show the kind of information you could show. And then with that, I want so many more of her thoughts throughout all of the questioning. I want to know every single thing going through her mind and all of her emotions. This is a really intense moment and I want to feel like I'm there and I'm experiencing it with her.

Overall though, I think you're developing a really intriguing and exciting story and I'm excited to read on and see what is going to happen next! Let me know if you have any questions/if something was confusing, or if you would like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D

Wow, thank you so much. I know I still have a lot of work to do. But this is only the draft of it. I will take your advice on the story and straighten it out when I can get out of the writer's block with it. Thank you again.

User avatar
mmbmio
Review
mmbmio wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Hi there!
This work was very well edited! I have to admit I haven't read the first chapter but I still enjoyed reading this.
Alright, just some nitpicks:
1) First, I think that you should probably rate this 18+ just cause of the language. It's just a rule on YWS and you probably just want to warn really young audience members.
2)I found a sentence that could use a comma to make it sound smoother. You wrote:

"Hey." I squeal excited to hear from him.

I think you should put a comma after 'squeal' just to give a pause between the two phrases. It reads: " "Hey." I squeal, excited to hear from him.
3)Also, something very minimal. I think you should change 'have' too has. It just sounds better. What you wrote:
He is in the drug game and have been since he was 13 years old.

I think it should look like: 'He is in the drug game and has been since he was 13 years old.'

Alright, that's all I have for today! Thanks for reading this review and I hope you found my comments useful. Ok, keep writing and have a great review day.

Write on,
M

User avatar
AnarchyWolf
Review
AnarchyWolf wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Good evening, Soulfulwriter. AnarchyWolf here to review this second chapter.

Now that I've reviewed the third, I'm hoping that this will provide me with more information. So, here it goes.

This second chapter is engaging and mature, and I feel like it's going to tackle some big issues as the story progresses (can't wait to read them!). You do use quite a bit of explicit language, but, since you put a warning on it, I can't exactly complain about it. It does add to the tone of the story, and make everything seem a lot more serious.

In the third chapter, I didn't like the main character as much, and instead found my favourite in her friend. However, in this chapter, she's portrayed so well, and with a lot more guts than in the next chapter - so now she's my fave. It's effective that you've put strong and weak sides of her so close together.

Some minor nitpicks:

Spoiler

Kicking my shoes off

Sitting on the sofa

Too many -ing starting verbs. Change your sentence starters around more.

"Hey." I squeal excited to hear from him.

"Hey!" I squeal, excited to hear from him.

I coo, "Sounds stressful."

I coo, "sounds stressful."

With my first drug dealing boyfriend who went by Tug, he showed me a life of high living and fast money.

While with my first drug-dealing boyfriend, who went by Tug, I was shown a life of high living and fast money.
This sentence is very awkward and choppy. I'd suggest changing it about into two sentences.

life style

lifestyle

Reilly

Did you mean Riley?

"We are

"we are

disloyalty

Betrayal
Disloyalty is an adjective and is grammatically incorrect when used in that context.



I feel that this chapter needs to be longer, so the focus of the story - the emotions and the issues and the morality - can be explored more. Everything goes by far too quickly, and I feel like you can write so much more on the topics tackled here. It could be so effective, and so profound - you just need to expand it a bit more and let your main character think everything over and start to question her whole life and her past and all of her amoral boyfriends.

There is a bit of an infodump, where we learn about her life after leaving her parents. This is find, and it's quite interesting, but it's just in one big clump that the reader really doesn't care for enough to read. You need to sprinkle it throughout the chapter - and, even better, the story - and leave little hints here and there to let the reader piece her backstory together like some kind of giant jigsaw. It's a lot more fulfilling that way, and it saves great ugly information dumps from littering your narrative.

This was just as good, if not better, than the third chapter. Keep going with this story - it tackles some really great topics and issues.

-AnarchyWolf

User avatar
AudreyAce
Comment
AudreyAce commented Comment · Jul 13, 2016

THIS IS AMAZING



Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.
— Dr. Amelia Brand, Interstellar