Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
The service so far is way better than the service at the other church I and Yakira spoke about an hour ago. From the upbeat band to the preacher's word, I felt the holy ghost around the place a few times or it was probably just the air conditioner blowing the cool air. While the preacher is preaching, I am partly paying attention and partly glancing at the young man sitting at the drums. Only because he kept glancing at me and you know that feeling you get...that weird and awkward feeling you get when you feel as though you are being watched? That's how I was feeling. When I would glance at him, he would look away. But when I would not look, he would look; according to my peripheral vision.
The pastor ended the service with a heartfelt message, "Good is watching you and planning your life. He would not give you what you can't handle."
With that, the church members disburse and begin to mingle before leaving. While Yakira is speaking with an elderly female about her daughter, I tap Yakira on her shoulder.
"Excuse me," Yakira tells the female. She turns to me, "Yes?"
"I am going to make friends."
"Alright. Please behave."
I press my lips together, "Yes, mama." I straighten up my jeans and shirt and start to saunter my way to the drummer. Just as I am almost there, I am stopped in my tracks by two ghetto females cutting me off and running up to the drummer, I swear they did that on purpose.
"Damn, bitches," I mumble then look up at the cross and slap my forehead. "Sorry, lord." I know I forgot where I was, I watch the two females hang all over the drummer as if they have forgotten this is a church and not a strip club or club in general. I guess they treat it as such.
I walk away to Yakira, she's still talking to the elderly lady. I look back at the two females still holding a conversation with the drummer, the one with the ugly, short, brown, nappy front laced wig continues to hang all over him. He looks mighty uncomfortable, just as I am about to go try again, Yakira grabs my forearm.
"You ready to go? I am starving."
"Yes," I sigh. Maybe another time.
"Great."
As we walk through the crowd of people who seem to refuse to move, Yakira says, "I thought we would never get out of there alive."
We get in the car, she cranks it, and carefully pull out of the church parking lot. Ten minutes into the trip to my house, Yakira says, "You are mighty silent, chick. What's wrong?"
"Just thinking about what the pastor was saying." And those two ghetto bitches cockblocking me.
"Yeah, I get goosebumps when he preaches. I feel like he is talking about my life and stuff. You know?" Yakira smiles.
I can see the goosebumps appearing on her forearm. "Yeah, I guess."
"You guess?" She arches her brow. "He is amazing and you know it. Stop tripping."
I press my lips together, "I suppose so."
We finally make it to my place after stopping for a quick bite to eat at the Cook Out. We make it to my house. Just as I am about to get out, Yakira stops me by touching my arm, gently. I turn to her.
"You need to get your life right, Azaireyah. If not for anyone else, for yourself. You owe yourself that much."
All I could do was smile. What am I supposed to say to that? I thank her for the ride and dinner. I mosey in the house. Once I get in, I strip off all my clothes and get the shower running. I haven't been to church in a long time but something about the preacher's sermon kind of threw me for a loop. It was actually a saying he said.
"The devil is alive! He is here to put each and every one of you down! Don't let him. Keep your heads to the Lord and Saviour. Keep them up high and accomplish everything your heart wants. Going to school, building your credit, not beating your children." That gets a chuckle from the parents. "Do it. Nike!"
"JUST DO IT!" Everyone shouts.
The shower ready, I make sure I have my towel, wash cloth, and underwear. I get it and let the warm water cascade down my body. I can see my reflection on the side of the shower wall. My dark pecan brown complexion, slender body makes me a target for the thugs. I want to be able to change my life and the way I do things, but I know that it is going to be hard. The hardest thing I will ever have to do. I can't keep doing this to myself. I pour my body wash on my wash cloth and begin to scrub myself. I can't keep doing this to myself, I can't keep this up. I know I am better than that, better than them. But, I don't know where to start with bettering my life and myself. Do I get rid of Mossi first? Do I make amends with my father? Do I go to college? If I could get some kind of guidance, that would be great. A sign is all I need.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello! How about we knock this baby out of the Green Room! What do ya say? I haven't read previous parts, I'm just going off of what I see in this chapter.
I like Yakira's attitude. She seems very spirited and that's always an interesting characteristic in a person- especially MC's! It definitely is something that pulls the story along, because the character is always about to do something exciting.
I don't know why, I just sorta liked that "according to my peripheral vision" bit. Kind of shows that the character is almost doubting herself- which I feel like is pretty relatable... I mean if that were me, I'd be like "Oh he must be looking behind me" or "dear heavens my hair must look something humorous" before I'd think he was actually looking at me. So I totally got that line, was my point.
I felt like the dialogue in this piece was a bit awkward. I don't think I know anyone that would address their friend as "chick". I know people that would refer to their friend's as "chicks" e.g: "Yeah, she's a weird chick... but we love her." But "chick" replacing the person's name just sounds odd to me- if they're saying it in the way like how chick is normally used. Though perhaps "chick" is a nickname Yakira's friend calls her? I could see that.
In any case, the dialogue between them is pretty stiff. I'm not sure why- dialogue isn't really my strong point. But listen to people around you- like really listen. People talk really odd, and often times, they don't talk in a very clean-cut fashion. They get interrupted, lose their train of thought, say "um", "uh", and "huh" every now-an-again, all kinds of weird things- and the best part is, everyone talks differently! Another thing I'd suggest: just write the dialogue how you talk. Just write down something simple- don't try to add onto it for a little while, and just sort of get used to your characters talking very plainly. Hopefully that makes sense.
Also remember that in dialogue, every character has a motive, believe it or not. People don't just say things- and they don't always say the right thing, either; but there tends to always be a reason. All sorts of things come into play, like it might be difficult to tell your best friend that you broke their ball, so you might lie, or smudge the truth. Or maybe someone wants something, so they butter someone up before asking, etc. This article explains it a LOT better than me: Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro.
The other thing I wanted to mention was the length and purpose of this chapter. It's a bit short- and there's nothing really wrong with that at all, except that by the time we get into the chapter, it's over. I'd suggest a length of somewhere around 1,000 - 2,500 words. That's generally a good length. but this is of course just a suggestion, it's not a huge deal at all. But this brings me to the next point: what are we supposed to get out of this chapter? What is the character supposed to get out of this chapter? I feel like a bunch happened, but how does it effect the story? Now this could have something to do with me not knowing really what the story is about, but I don't think so. You can generally get a rough idea about a plot from any point in the story, I've found. But I'll just leave this for you to think about!
Anyway, I hope that was somewhat helpful! Keep it up! Looking forward to seeing more from you!!!
-Socks
Heya, Soulfulwriter! Casanova here to do a review!
To start off with, I really like how the plot is going. It's strong, and to top it off there's not too much dialogue this time, so props for that. Anyway, onward
The next thing is the characters. I get the feeling of a lot of anger in this one, and although it's not preferred, I really did enjoy it. It worked well with the plot, and I think you got to where you was wanting with it. It struck home because it was /that/ easy to relate to, so props for that.
Anyway, the only thing is the ending. I didn't find it as a page turner, but more of a thinking stop. Like, I wanted to think of the meaning of life after this, and I actually somewhat enjooyed that, but also hated it because I wanted to move on.
Anyway, that's all.
Sincerely, Cas
So, what do you suggest?