z

Young Writers Society


18+

Chapter Three

by Soulfulwriter


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

Sitting in the bathroom of Yakira's my best friend's house, I explain to her what happened with the cops and the betrayal that I am feeling at this moment.

"Oh my gawd, girl. I can't believe that happened to you." Yakira hums as she carefully puts on her extended eyelashes and pops her gum. "But, you know how he is. Or I thought you did."

"I didn't know he would do that to me, Ya-ya. I am his girlfriend." I point to myself.

"So?" She turns around and looks at me with only one eyelash extension on. I know she is about to give me a hard truth due to the furrow of her brow. Her brow does that involuntarily when she is about to deliver some tough love my way. "Mossi is my cousin, Azaireyah. You are my best friend. I have known Mossi to play around on females in order to get what he wants, but when he started to settle down with you. I thought it was a marvelous thing." She smiles then it fades. "But, when I told you he had some side females, you didn't want to hear that. You wanted to keep on doing what you were doing with him. I even drove you to one of his side tricks house, but you were still....blinded."

I am about to open my mouth to object, but she puts her hand up for me to shut up. "I know you love him and all that, but what is it going to take for you to leave him alone. He is no good for you. And I am hoping now that you see that." She turns back to the mirror to see that her eyelash has fallen to the side a little. "Tsk. Damn it." She snatches it off and tries again.

I raise my eyebrows, thinking about what Yakira has just told me. She is right. I have been blinded by all the glitter and gold to never realize the dirty deeds in which all my boyfriends including Mossi has done. How fucking stupid could I have been or can I be?

Yakira looks at me in the mirror noting how silent I am. "Don't beat yourself up, Azaireyah. It happens to the best of us." She finally is successful in getting both eyelashes on. She cheers silently to herself. "You just need a change in pace, that's all."

"A change in pace? Like what? Go for some educated man?" I mock.

"Girl, you gone make me slap the bitch out cha tone."

I straighten up.

"No, that is not what I was talking about. And don't be bitchy at me all because you got played again."

"Ya-ya, that's not fair," I whine.

Yakira puts her lipstick tube down, "Yes it is." She looks at me in the mirror. "You keep choosing these lowlife thugs that don't give a fuck about you. I mean...they seem like they do in the beginning but they really don't." She turns and looks me in my charcoal colored hues. "When I say change of pace, I do mean an educated man. Someone who has something going for himself. You can't always make it with these hard-headed thugs."

"Psh," I scoff. "And where am I going to find an educated man with money and his own?"

"Girl," She turns back to the mirror and applies her lipstick. "You have a lot of learning to do and I am willing to teach you, but you can't always be bitchy. That or thinking that a man like that comes pre-made. You have to stand by them sometimes."

I am hearing what she is saying and once again, I know she is right. "Where are you headed anyway?"

"Church service."

"Since when do you go to church?" I arch my brow.

"Since Vytal started going a few months ago after he got out of jail."

"They dropped the charges?"

"Hell yeah. That man ain't do none of the shit them, damn people were talking about and they know that fucking shit. Fuck them broke ass hoes." Yakira spits.

Vytal Moody is Yakira's boyfriend of 5 years and they have been through some shit together. He ran a prostitution ring right out of Yakira's house. When Yakira found out, she gave him a choice, them hoes or her. He chose her but someone had snitched on him and it landed him in jail. Somehow, he was able to get out without a sentence or a scratch on him.

"Anyway, why don't you join me?"

"In church?"

"Yeah, they are wonderful. Not boring like the church daddy use to take us to, remember?"

I have to laugh. "The monotone preacher is what got me the most."

"Is that why you started working in the daycare center?"

"Yes, I rather hear Barney and Teletubbies for a few hours than that preacher."

"Ugh, don't get me started on the band."

We both laugh aloud at the remembrance of the one-man piano band. That too was monotone. There was no way to get jumping and praise Him with that kind of music.

"So, are you going to go with me or not?"

I look at my clothes. "I am not dressed."

Finished putting her face on, Yakira looks at my clothing. "No, you look better than some of the ladies that come in there." She grabs her purse off the bathroom counter. "Come on, I will drive."

I rub my sweaty palms on my designer jeans. "Okay." I get up, follow Yakira out of the house, get into her black Audi hybrid, and drive off.


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293 Reviews


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Sun Jul 31, 2016 11:38 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations!

I haven't read the two previous chapters, for which I apologise. Instead, I shall try to comment on things like characterisation and imagery, as opposed to- Oh, it's you again! Well, you already know what I'm going to say, so I guess I can skip the explanation and proceed.


You know what, I think I'll be a bit more technical this time. In your first sentence, you say "my best friend's" directly after saying the best friend's name. In order to let it flow more naturally, I advise rearranging the words so that the name is in parenthesis (by means of commas, of course, since brackets won't work there). You could also just say "the house of Yakira, my best friend" or "the house of my best friend Yakira". Experiment a little to see what works and what doesn't.

Another point worth noting is your dialogue tags or inter-dialogue actions. When a character isn't finished speaking and you decide to include an action or tag, the dialogue ends with a comma, not a full stop/period. Similarly, you only capitalise words in dialogue tags or inter-dialogue actions when it's a name or the start of a new sentence.

Err, let's zoom out again. I wanted to mention your dialogue because currently, it's bland and uninteresting. It feels like banter people would use to pass the time. Besides that Yakira likes to swear, I didn't learn all that much about her from it. Dialogue is an excellent opportunity to reveal more about characters, whether they explicitly say something or whether we get to deduce an attribute.


I can see you definitely have potential, so if you work on eliminating those little technical errors and develop the broader aspects of your writing, you'll be astonishing us very soon. Keep on writing!


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Sun Jul 31, 2016 8:12 am
AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Good morning, Soulfulwriter. AnarchyWolf here to review this third chapter.

This chapter is short, but it does provide a lot of information for the reader, and introduces them to Yakira. She's definitely my favourite of the two in this chapter - I love her attitude, and her way of dealing with Azaireyah's problems. So sassy.

Your narrative here is generally very clean and easy to read, free of typos and has a lovely, simplistic style to it. It's clear and comprehendable and one of my favourite writing styles to read.

You also provide the reader with ideas and hints as to what the rest of the story could be about, which is always good, and you avoid giving away too much information what would lead the reader to getting bored due to lack of mystery and suspense.

A few small nitpicks here:

Spoiler! :

-the betrayal that I am feeling at this moment.

There's a better way to say it. Show it, rather than tell it, and describe the feeling.

"Oh my gawd, girl."

I understand that you're trying to get some kind of drawl in here, and it's, admittedly, an effective way to convey the character and mood, but it's annoying to read.

some side females


play around with females

Just call them girls. Or wh*res.

side tricks house

side tricks' houses



You use uncontracted words (e.g. do not instead of don't) all through your chapter. This would be fine, perhaps even preferred, if you were writing a high fantasy, or the dialogue of an archaic-spoke character, but this comes across as a modern story with modern, middle-or-working class characters who would definitely use the contractions of words instead of the longer, more taxing uncontracted versions. By using the complete words, you make your dialogue rocky and unrealistic and take away from the story.

The whole conversation comes across as an info dump that the reader doesn't need to know. I know that the material of this conversation can't exactly be slipped into a casual chat, but I'd recommend taking it slower and maybe having something going on while you tell the reader this, to keep their interest going throughout the chat.

More description wouldn't go amiss in this story, along with Azaireyah's emotions and physical sensations. The reader would get far more attached to her this way, and it would also help on the 'more description' front.

In conclusion, this was a good third chapter with a great supporting character and a hint at the rest of the plot.

-AnarchyWolf






thank you!!!




The brain is wider than the sky.
— Emily Dickenson