Chapter One

Hi! I saw Chapter 4 in the green room and since the chapters aren't super long I thought I'd come back to the beginning.

I picked this story out of the green room because I love contemporary fiction and I love some drama So, I think you've set up an interesting premise here with the abusive, racist father and the girl (right?) going off on her own trying to make a life for herself. This has all the makings of a story I would want to pick off the shelf. A few things I want to mention to help make it sparkle:

1. The voice. I loooove first person because it gives the reader the opportunity to really get inside a character's head and understand what they're thinking and feeling. With first person, the voice of the MC really needs to shine and come through in the story. If it doesn't, you might as well tell the story in 3rd. This MC has a quieter voice, which is 100% fine. Not all manuscripts need loud, snarky MC's I think you've done a nice job so far giving her thoughts, showing the scene through her eyes, and giving us a taste for who she is.

2. Info-dumping. I thought opening with the MC going to the DMV is a really creative way to start and I think it's the right place to start. Her life is changing and this shows us how her life is changing. But, beware the info-dump! This opening chapter had a lot of information that, while it's interesting and I know it's going to be important to the story, I don't want to know in chapter one. What information am I talking about? - All of the backstory about her life growing up with her dad and the flashback about how her dad treated her.

I can feel you resisting, but hear me out I get the temptation to show us what this character's deal is before we get going so we understand her and I get that this is going to be a huge element of the plot and essential information. But, you've just spoiled the surprise. Secrets and mysteries are the best parts of novels. You could open this novel the exact same way but having the MC go to the DMV, that's great. But don't tell us why she's going to the DMV or why she needs her address changed. Give us some little tidbits like her age (and her name and gender please because I'm still guessing :p) or that her family is still around and there's some conflict there, but don't spoil the surprise of what happened. Give us juuuuust enough to peak our interest and make us want to read on to see what the deal is and what's going to happen next. I want to be worried for this MC. How is she going to live on her own? Does she have a plan? I want to have lots of questions in the first chapter because that's what will keep your reader's interest and make them want to continue.

3. Nit-picks. I'm not going to quote a bunch of stuff and point out every single typo or grammar thing. I think some people have already done this and I think you'll be able to find many of these things anyway. A few ways I've found to be helpful with picking up typos or little grammar errors is to put the entire document in a different font and size than you typically write. This makes the whole page look different and then as you read through you'll see things you didn't see before.

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I'll skip on over to the next chapter!

I want to read so much more!! This was amazing and I'm on the edge of my seat. You are a great writer with outstanding skills. This is my first review so I'm not really sure what to write other than the fact that this is a great beginning. I would go into more detail in certain spots and I ca relate to some of the problems that the main character has to live with.
Also right here I would write,
"Luck you. I am just ready to go on lunch break. All of this noise is getting on my nerves."

"Lucky you" just to make it sound smoother. maybe it was just a typo but whatever it's no big deal.

I want you to write more because I'm obsessed. The relationship between the father and main character keeps the story interesting and exciting. I hope you make the siblings play a big role in the story but that's only a suggestion.

-Audrey <3

Good story, good story. It kept my interest.

I like the idea of the main character getting kicked out of her house as a conflict. It's interesting to me the way her father raised her. However, some parts need to be explained more and revised.

The fact that the main character is discriminated against by her father is interesting but their relationship should be explained more. Are all his children are black? Does he hate his own and child because their black? That's really sick. If that's the case, then this idea should be emphasized more.

The dialogue was kind of weird. For instance, scene where your MC is confronting her father, the dialogue is too direct.

"Why do you hate me so?"

Teenagers don't say "so". It sounds really weird. The dialogue in that scene is a little too direct. It would be a nice touch if you describe facial expressions.

Also I would think your MC would always know why her father hates her. His hatred and racism for him would show throughout her life. It's not just something you discover when your a teenager, and if she figured that out, it would be a great revelation. Another problem I have is that it doesn't seem he is hateful. Sure, he makes his children clean and exercise in the morning, but it's because he was in the military and that's how he was raised and lives. It's wrong but not related to discrimination.

Again, I liked your stories. Thank you for reading the review.

Keep writing

Red

Alright soulfulwriter,
Myjaspercat is back...

Unlike my previous review for your summary I promise I will go into more depth for this one. I am quite looking forward to reading it as well, I hope your chapter doesn't disappoint.

I have I've Since it is your main character telling the story through their own eyes, it's okay to use a little informal language. Think about it, if you were actually think about how long you've been waiting for something wouldn't you think of it as I've rather then I have? been waiting at this stupid DMV since 9:30 this morning to get my address changed on my driver's license, I believe it would be okay to stop the sentence there and make this other half a new one. I rub my temples when they call this elderly lady's number before mine. I like this, but I would suggest maybe rewording it a little bit better I was here before she was. [color=blue'] Haha, so relate-able.[/color] Maybe she is here for a different reason, what do you mean by a different reason? Isn't everyone at the DMV for pretty much the same reason? I say to myself in an attempt to calm my already frayed nerves. My eyes begin to zone out of focus and I begin I start to remember the life that I had.

My life...There really isn't any reason for the ellipsis here. was has not been as easy as I have led some people to believe. My father's strict military routine and my doormat of a mother made life just that harder along with my siblings. Once you started walking, it was downhill from there. My father would make all of us get up at 4:30spaceam and run around the neighborhood, clean the house from top to bottom and if it was not up to his standards, he would make us do push-ups, sit-ups, squats, or laps for everything he found wrong, and then we had to go to school. I get that you want to giver your readers some background into your MC's life but right now its all like one giant info dump and it makes it kind of hard to continue reading. Why not instead throw in some little clues/hints into your MC's life and background through out the story. Like maybe throw in a scene where she is at home and doing her chores when her dad comes in and starts yelling that it isn't good enough or that she isn't doing it right. Maybe throw in a scene where she wakes up to her dad turning on her light and pulling the covers off her telling her to get up (that would still show how her dad's a hard ass). My mother got it as well. My siblings and I couldn't even have friends sleep over because we knew our father would subject them to what he does to us. I was the one to get it worse than my other siblings and I am not entirely sure why. If I did one thing wrong, I had to so exercise. If I came home with a B on my report card, I had to do squats for an hour straight. Sometimes when I would input my own opinion to a conversation, he would send me to my room without food. That was more often than not. He made my life such hell.

I finally left home when I graduated high school at 17 years old with no money and only the things I could carry, Again, I think it would be a good thing if you started a new sentence here. I went to my best friend; Yakira Hart's house, and stayed there. Yakira's family was delighted to have me there and that I helped around the house though it took me a while to adjust to the fact that I could sleep in and didn't have to worry about a bullhorn being blown in my face at 4:30 in the morning. Life got easier. I would assume that life had gotten easier They even helped me get a job and that's when I bought my first car. However, when I tried to go back home for a visit, I was told by my father that I was not welcomed back. I clenched my fist and just as he was about to close the door, I put my foot in between the door frame and the door, stopping the door.

"Why do you hate me so much?" I snarl. "I did everything you asked me to do. Fuck, I did better than you wanted me to do. Yet, you still hate me. Why?"

"Because you are black! You aren't even my daughter. You belong to some other man and I refuse to treat you the way I treat my own children." With that, he slams slammed the door in my face.

"569!" A female representative calls.

I stand up and go up to the counter to tell him the reason for my visit. I hate having to look back on times like that, but sometimes I have to remember who I am and where I came from. And as of now, I don't know either one of those things.

"Yes, I would like to change my address on my driver's license, please," I state why I am there as I hand her I thought it was a him the necessary paperwork for the change.

"Alright. I am sorry about the slow services, we have been backed up due to shortage of staff members. Everyone is either sick or on vacation." She rolls her eyes and takes the paperwork.

"It's alright. I am just glad that I didn't have to go into work today." I smile and watch her type away on the computer.

"LuckLucky you. I am just ready to go on lunch break. All of this noise is getting on my nerves."

I look around at the mass of people in the DMV lobby. Toddlers running around, babies crying, parents sitting there waiting impatiently for their turn, other parents running after the toddlers. I turn back to the female with my eyebrows raised, "Yeah, I can understand that."

"And...finished." She gives me a temporary copy of my license with my new address on it. "Your real license will come in the mail within 5 to 7 business days."

I take it and look at it. "Thank you. Have a good day."

"Whew, I will try."

I giggle Giggle doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe you could use the word chuckle or something and walk out of the DMV. Taking a breath of fresh air, I amble onto my white Audi A7, gets in, and cranks it up. Roaring to life, I peel out of the parking lot as it begins to fill up more and more with people that need the DMV's services.

Driving down the street with my windows down and my music blaring through the speakers, I go pass my parent's house. Since that time with my father, I had not been back there, but my siblings have always spoken to me, even my mother snuck some time to speak with me. Looking back at the house in the rear-view mirror, I still want to go check on my parents. I know that my siblings have moved out and on with their lives and I do often wonder how my mama is doing. But, my mind tells me to keep driving until I get to my own house, I do just that.

Racism...
Best material for a dramatical story to say the least.
For half of the time I thought she was a boy xD because do military fathers make their daughters do pushups? Because I know they turn to beaters instead.
But anyhow that is not our case, I like how she doesn't have much burden on her other family members and she haves a clean heart for her mother and siblings, it warms my heart .
Also I can't tell the gender if her friend yet. I'm guessing she is a girl, why the sudden Japanese name? Or I think its Japanese?
Also I don't even know the protagonist name...
You could have at least provided us with her name xD
Overall I like how it sheds light on the racism that the black race suffers from.
I respect any story that talks about real life issues in an entertaining style.
You have done a great job
Hope you keep writting!
-Mari