Speechless

The wolves surround us on all sides, their mouths foaming with lust for our blood. Their yellow eyes glisten with malice, but they wait for the signal from their leader.

Nix’s back is pressed to mine, and I can feel his body heat through my armor. We tense in unison as one wolf’s unearthly snarl cuts through the silence like a knife. Impulsively, I grasp his hand and squeeze it, looking for comfort in his touch. He gently returns the gesture, and despite our situation, I can feel heat rising in my cheeks.

I lean my head back slowly, never taking my eyes off the wolves, never letting my guard down. I stop when my cheekbone brushes his earlobe. He tilts his head toward mine, his movements so subtle, I can barely feel them.

“Nix?” I whisper, my voice barely more than a breath.

He grips my fingers in one quick pulse, signaling that he heard me.

“I’m scared.” I confess. I wait a short beat before asking, “What do we do?”

Nix’ll have a plan. He always does. I hear him inhale sharply, and he bows his head as if in thought. He releases my hand, but keeps his own next to my hip. I can see his index finger bend just the slightest in my peripheral vision.

Look here, it says.

I slowly dip my head to get a good view of his fingers. They begin to twitch intricate patterns, twirling circles, winding over one another, his wrist flicking in short, rapid movements.

It is our silent language. We had created it together back when we were children, Nix and I, back Before. It had been a game then, something to use when lessons were boring and we wanted to insult the teachers without them realizing.

But when After had struck, our language had helped us survive. It had helped us get past the border undetected, and it was perfect for planning battle strategies without Them ever being the wiser. More than anything, though, it was for simply talking to Nix.

After had certainly taken its toll on Nix. He’s a mute now. A liberated prisoner of war, he had been stripped of his ability to talk through torture he’s never had the strength to describe to me. They had left their mark on him, on his beautiful voice, and he would carry it with him until the bitter end.

We can’t surrender, Kai, he signals silently.

Not now, not ever.

He pauses, sucking in a deep breath, bracing himself. His eyes are fixed on the ground at his feet.

I’ll be the distraction. They want me more than you anyway.

I jerk in surprise and horror, a small movement that makes the wolve's snarls rise in intensity.

“No.” I whispered. No. Not Nix. Not him.

“Nix. You can’t do that. I won’t let you.”

He doesn’t even flinch at my words, just kept staring at the ground, hardened with determination. His fingers continue to brush my side.

You have to. You have to get to the Uprising. You have to deliver the message. I can’t do that, Kai.

He finally leans his head back to look at me. His dark brown eyes plead with me, begging me to let him do what he came for. The small scar that mars his right eyebrow --the one that gives the impression that he’s always thinking mischievous thoughts-- stands out to me. How had he gotten that scar? I had never had the chance to ask him. I realize how little I actually know about Nix, about his past, despite all the time we have spent together.

Throughout all our struggles, all our sacrifice together, had he always known this moment would come? That we would be trapped, best friends, back to back like we had been so often in the past, but with no hope of escape? Had he planned, in a moment like this, to put me first? Had he known that all his hard work would be poured into me, for the greater good of the Uprising?

Has he always known that he was destined to die?

His eyes burrow holes in me, and I can already feel the wave of guilt rising up. I already know I’m not strong enough to resist Nix’s orders. He is the leader. If he tells me to run, I will. Even if it means leaving him. And then I won’t be able to live with myself. I’ll constantly wonder what I could have done, all while knowing that there was nothing else I could do.

Kai. Listen to me. Listen. Nix’s taps become more forceful, desperate.

I risk a glance at the wolves. Their fur looks purple in the moonlight. They snap their jagged teeth together, impatient to fix them in our throats.

I’m mute, Kai. It has to be you. You have to get out. If it’s just me, there still isn’t any way for me to pass on the message. No one knows my language except you. I’m useless, Kai.

“You aren’t! Not to me!” I cry out, close to tears. The wolves howl in unison, unearthly warbles at the sky.

You can talk. You have to get out. This is more than you, Kai. Think of the Uprising. It has to be you.

“I can’t...you can’t...No, Nix. Please. We can find another way out of this...”

But even as I say that, I know there isn’t. We are trapped. Even if I can’t face it, Nix is right. The only ticket out is through him.

Nix freezes, his fingers halting on my hip. I turn just enough to see what he is looking at. My heart stops as I realize that our plan must be put to action sooner than I had hoped.

The leader has arrived.