Young Writers Society

Hey there! Care for a review this lovely Review Day?

I agree with Mea; I think this is a pretty down-right SOLID script! I absolutely love how you laid it out so that we don't REALLY know what's happening until we absolutely NEED to and then the whole twist of it actually being Junior at the end. There was a few things that I wanted to bring up though.

So one thing I thought was odd was that Junior goes all like "Are you SURE it was Lily?" Why would he risk prompting his dad questioning that by bringing it up when he REALLY needs his dad to believe that was his sister and not him? I guess you could argue that he's just REALLY trying to play the chill card- the voice of reason. But still, I think that's kinda risky of him to do.

Another thing I thought was odd is that the footage shows the Chad driving up, coming in, and then leaving with the son. But... Chad and the son are still in the house, and the dad thinks so too? So I don't understand what's up with that. Especially since they're going to track the sister's phone... and thinking that she's still with Chad. It just doesn't quite add up! Is there perhaps newer footage that he recently saw Chad come back? Or something? (oops, I just realized Mea said that as well. Well, I guess at least now you know TWO people noticed that! XP )

Something else I thought I'd mention is that, you know how at the end Junior tells Chad he should turn off his phone's location? I didn't think that if you don't like have enough information about a phone, then you'd be able to track it? I sure hope not, anyway. o-o I'm sure someone that's REALLY good with that kind of thing might be able to figure out how to do that, but judging on how the dad calls the 'phone tracking app' a 'thingy'-- I don't think he quite has those capabilities! Unless there's something I'm not aware of. Oh geez I hope it's not THAT easy to track phones. Heh.

One other veryyyy little thing: Why just Junior? I guess if that's actually his name? Harrison junior. I guess it's fine, it just sounds strange to me. Maybe another name might be appropriate instead, since in the script it's just odd to read Junior all the time? Maybe I'm just being silly, I don't know! OR maybe that's just the thing people DO in plays? I'm really not sure cause I'm not superrr familiar with scripts and plays-- I mean I have read a few scripts in my time, but certainly not a ton!

Anyway, the story as a whole I think is really strong! I definitely enjoyed it- which kinda surprised me because I thought because it was a script that I'd find it really boring? But I didn't find it boring at all! I was really engaged the entire thing! C:

Keep it up my friend!

-Holysocks

Hey Sophie! I saw you mentioned on your wall that this is due tomorrow, so I thought I'd drop by and review it for you!

Honestly, I think you're in pretty good shape here with this script. I don't know enough about how to format scripts to make sure that every detail of your formatting is accurate, but I think it works as it is. Story-wise, this is actually really sound as well. You take us right into the scene and give us background information along the way, and then the twist at the end is done very smoothly - it was that perfect balance of "of course" and "I never saw that coming!" You do a really good job of fitting a whole story into such a short script.

I think my main critique story-wise has to do with the logic behind the both of them searching and what Harrison is looking for. If Harrison Sr. thinks it was Lily who left with Chad, and thinks they haven't come back, why is he searching the house? Why would he think they're hiding on the property if he saw them leave? And since it's not actually Lily who was with him, where is Lily right now? Wouldn't he be interrogating her and trying to get her to confess? I thought all the rest of what happened fit smoothly together without any plot holes, but that part never fully made sense to me. (We don't have to know the reason right away, of course, but the question should be answered at some point in the narrative.)

Whatever. I gave him an unpaid internship at my office. I let him into our home. I gave him the food off of our dinner table-