• Home

Young Writers Society

Sunday-Funday; OPENING SCENE

by SofieR





HARRISON SR. and his son HARRISON JUNIOR pace urgently around their home on a Sunday morning. HARRISON SR. opens the hallway closet and starts frantically rummaging inside.


When I get my hands on that kid, I’ll kill him.


Dad, you don’t even know if he was actually here.


The kitchen window is wide open and he’s all over the surveillance footage.


But the footage is all grainy, and the security alarm didn’t go off.

Satisfied with the hallway closet, they move into the BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

HARRISON SR. shoots back the shower curtain, pulling it off the rings completely. Nothing’s there.


Chad’s been over here a million times, he probably figured out how to disable the alarm system.

HARRISON SR. tosses the curtain aside and they move back into the HALLWAY looking into every room they pass.


Dad, no offense, but you’re starting to sound a teensy bit obsessed.


Junior, I gave this kid a job...


Is a job really a job if it doesn’t pay?


Whatever. I gave him an unpaid internship at my office. I let him into our home. I gave him the food off of our dinner table-


Technically, Mom did that.


Whatever! I did all of that because out of the goodness of my heart...


Mom’s heart...


... I wanted to do something good for a nice kid. And how does he repay me? By sneaking into my house and running off with my daughter.

They slip into the MASTER BEDROOM. HARRISON SR. starts checking under the bed, in the closet, inside dresser drawers...


Okay, now I’m lost. Could you please explain how we’ve gone from; “Somebody broke into the house” to “The college intern broke into the house and kidnapped Lily”?


It’s all in the surveillance footage. Chad’s truck pulls up, then he sneaks in through the window and leaves twenty minutes later with your sister.


Hm. How do you know it was Lily he left with?


I think I’d recognize my own daughter. Plus, she was wrapped up in that favorite school sweatshirt of hers. She never takes it off.

(He gives up searching the room and takes a beat for the first time.)

Do you think we could track them down through Lily’s iPhone?


If you want her to end up in therapy one day, then yes.

HARRISON Sr. walks over to the bedroom fireplace, poised to step inside and climb up.


Dad, stop. (He grabs HARRISON SR's arm and pulls him away from the fireplace)  Just stop and think a little bit about what you’re doing. You’re an adult about to climb into a chimney.


You’re right. My laptop is downstairs. Come help me log into the “Find My iPhone” thingy.

HARRISON SR. exits. Then, O/S;

Are you coming?


Yea, in a minute.

JUNIOR waits eagerly in silence for a few seconds, then walks over to the door and checks left and right before quietly shutting it closed. He makes his way over to the fireplace and knocks on the wall three times. CHAD clumsily falls out of the chimney and into the fireplace, covered in dust and grime.


(Through coughs) Did he see me?


Nope, we’re good. We're really lucky I look so girly from the back.

The two steal a kiss.


You never told me your dad had cameras set up. How am I going to get out of here?


There’s a blind spot on this side of the house. (He walks over to the window and pries it open.) Try not to fall off the window ledge and ruin your pretty face.


(Smiling) Same time tonight?


Yep. Oh, and you might want to turn off the location setting on your phone. Apparently, my dad knows about Track my iPhone.


Copy that.

CHAD exits through the window. JUNIOR shuts it behind him just as HARRISON SR. ENTERS again.


Who are you talking to?


(With a shrug) Nobody.


Is this a review?



User avatar
494 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 494

Sun Oct 28, 2018 4:58 am
View Likes
Holysocks wrote a review...

Hey there! Care for a review this lovely Review Day?

I agree with Mea; I think this is a pretty down-right SOLID script! I absolutely love how you laid it out so that we don't REALLY know what's happening until we absolutely NEED to and then the whole twist of it actually being Junior at the end. There was a few things that I wanted to bring up though.

So one thing I thought was odd was that Junior goes all like "Are you SURE it was Lily?" Why would he risk prompting his dad questioning that by bringing it up when he REALLY needs his dad to believe that was his sister and not him? I guess you could argue that he's just REALLY trying to play the chill card- the voice of reason. But still, I think that's kinda risky of him to do.

Another thing I thought was odd is that the footage shows the Chad driving up, coming in, and then leaving with the son. But... Chad and the son are still in the house, and the dad thinks so too? So I don't understand what's up with that. Especially since they're going to track the sister's phone... and thinking that she's still with Chad. It just doesn't quite add up! Is there perhaps newer footage that he recently saw Chad come back? Or something? (oops, I just realized Mea said that as well. Well, I guess at least now you know TWO people noticed that! XP )

Something else I thought I'd mention is that, you know how at the end Junior tells Chad he should turn off his phone's location? I didn't think that if you don't like have enough information about a phone, then you'd be able to track it? I sure hope not, anyway. o-o I'm sure someone that's REALLY good with that kind of thing might be able to figure out how to do that, but judging on how the dad calls the 'phone tracking app' a 'thingy'-- I don't think he quite has those capabilities! :P Unless there's something I'm not aware of. Oh geez I hope it's not THAT easy to track phones. Heh.

One other veryyyy little thing: Why just Junior? I guess if that's actually his name? Harrison junior. I guess it's fine, it just sounds strange to me. Maybe another name might be appropriate instead, since in the script it's just odd to read Junior all the time? Maybe I'm just being silly, I don't know! OR maybe that's just the thing people DO in plays? I'm really not sure cause I'm not superrr familiar with scripts and plays-- I mean I have read a few scripts in my time, but certainly not a ton!

Anyway, the story as a whole I think is really strong! I definitely enjoyed it- which kinda surprised me because I thought because it was a script that I'd find it really boring? But I didn't find it boring at all! I was really engaged the entire thing! C:

Keep it up my friend!


User avatar
1085 Reviews

Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

Fri Oct 05, 2018 2:15 pm
View Likes
Mea wrote a review...

Hey Sophie! I saw you mentioned on your wall that this is due tomorrow, so I thought I'd drop by and review it for you!

Honestly, I think you're in pretty good shape here with this script. I don't know enough about how to format scripts to make sure that every detail of your formatting is accurate, but I think it works as it is. Story-wise, this is actually really sound as well. You take us right into the scene and give us background information along the way, and then the twist at the end is done very smoothly - it was that perfect balance of "of course" and "I never saw that coming!" You do a really good job of fitting a whole story into such a short script.

I think my main critique story-wise has to do with the logic behind the both of them searching and what Harrison is looking for. If Harrison Sr. thinks it was Lily who left with Chad, and thinks they haven't come back, why is he searching the house? Why would he think they're hiding on the property if he saw them leave? And since it's not actually Lily who was with him, where is Lily right now? Wouldn't he be interrogating her and trying to get her to confess? I thought all the rest of what happened fit smoothly together without any plot holes, but that part never fully made sense to me. (We don't have to know the reason right away, of course, but the question should be answered at some point in the narrative.)

Whatever. I gave him an unpaid internship at my office. I let him into our home. I gave him the food off of our dinner table-

If I had a bit of critique for you on your dialogue, I'd say that sometimes it feels just a little too "perfect" in the way that it tells the reader very clearly exactly what's been going on or is just a very level-headed response. Right here, I felt like the word "unpaid" was unnecessary because Junior had just said it wasn't a paid job.

Otherwise, mostly this is the case for Junior's dialogue - I feel like he could show more signs of nervousness, particularly as the search moves closer and closer to the fireplace. It feels like he doesn't have any stake in the situation, which then helps the surprise of him helping Chad, and you don't want to change that surprise, so really this would be just tweaking one or two of the last lines of dialogue before Harrison Sr. leaves to make Junior sound a little more urgent.

And I think that's all I've got! Really, this is great - I think you're all set for your assignment and I bet you'll do really well on it. Good luck with your edits, and keep writing!

SofieR says...

Thank you SO. MUCH. for reviewing and for giving me great spots to edit. Now I can turn this in with a little confidence, lol.

Mea says...

No problem! Glad I could help! :D

Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg