Hey guys :) This was just something random I typed up last night and just wanted to see if it made any sense at all. It probably doesn't but hey, why not post it to the scrutiny of other writers anyway right. Live on the edge!! Also I'd love to hear your interpretation of the feeling captured in this piece because it was quite ambiguous and subject to interpeetation. :) Silverlock
I've never seen a sky so blue before.
Maybe it's just because I've never thought to look up.
I smile widely and spread my arms. I spin round and around until I'm so dizzy, that I fall. Happiness bubbles on the surface of my laughter.
A day like this should be enjoyed. A day like this should be treasured.
I lie on the soft, green grass and watch the clouds sail by. Days like these, time seems to slow down. Slow enough for you to savour it's fleeting, sweetness before it goes. Sweetness. Those clouds seem like delicate strands of fairy loss drifting across the sky, waiting for me to reach out my arm and grab at them. The suns rays feel warm on my face, and sing me a lullaby, beckoning me to solace. Beckoning me to sleep.
Oh, but I don't want to sleep!
I need to stay awake. I need to capture every moment of this perfect day.
My fingers clutch vainly at the strands of time that slip away. My mind belatedly tries to capture a moment gone by. My heart struggles to beat to the rhythm of a song long forgotten. Days like these never last. Happiness will never last. The present is never here, and I am always a step behind. Too far behind, so I will never catch up.
I sit up and smooth my palms on the grass that was once my mattress.
It's not the same.
The day hasn't even ended and yet things have changed. I feel a sadness growing inside me, for the moments that I don't remember and for the moments that I have missed. Alongside the sadness there is a longing. A longing for for the past I can't get back and for the present that I will never have.
I can't feel the loving warmth of the sun anymore, instead and chill runs down my spine. The clouds don't look like sweet, fairy floss anymore, but rather dark, grey wool, eager to smother the sun. I can't seem to remember how to smile, and my arms hang limply by my sides.
Days are too long, too much can happen. Yet a day like this is so easily forgotten. So easily pushed aside.
I've never seen a sky as dark as this.
Maybe it's just because I've never thought to look up.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
No one *like*d this? No one? Shame on all YWSers.
It can't be a coincidence that we both like verbing nouns
Okay, I just had to get that out of my head. Moving on!
So the two opening paragraphs are basically two isolated sentences. They speak like the introduction to a classical song. But then you dive right into the A1 section (this truly is a song, isn't it?). Ordinarily, transitioning would be required, but I located a shortcut: combine the first two lines (sentences) into one phrase (paragraph).
No need for the comma.
No need for the apostrophe or comma.
Think you meant "fairy floss" here
Snaring this aspect of the word "solace" is risky. I'd recommend backing it up with another phrase, in case it escapes, or replacing it. Quiescence. Peace. Tranquility. I do like how "solace" contains "sol", which means "sun", though.
No need for the "and". But removing the conjunction would transform the sentence into a comma splice, so the comma should be replaced with a period.
You've really a knack for conclusions. They leave the reader pondering, thinking. And it's resolved so well. A reflection of the first paragraph, like the last note in a piece is a reflection of the key signature. I could only gush all day about your imagery, as well.
This review turned out a bit jumbled. I always intend opening with praise, but I scarcely ever do it that way
Keep it up! Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Hey Flamo!! Thanks for reviewing this
Oh and your review wasn't jumbled at all, it was actually really helpful 
I'm glad you liked it even though it was littered with typos.
No problem, Locko!
Haha! Nice one
Yeehaw! This is the simple yet rather daft conclusion that I derive from this work. The moral of the story is (fanfare plus drum roll) do not fight sleep because you are enjoying yourself, because sleep is awesomesause. (This is the point where TakeThatYouFiend realized he was up at two fourty in the morning reviewing on YWS)
Disregard my last comment!
Haha!
Hi there! I completely agree with what Valo said. The descriptions are beautiful but there is not enough action. What I would suggest is adding maybe how she sang with birds, ran across the grass, rolled around in the grass etc. and maybe transition it to where as she points out different images in the clouds that she notices how the sky is getting darker. Then that is when she is reminded that a day like that never stays and how a day is always too long.
Just remember that your descriptions are lovely! Keep it up!
I don't know; those are just my (in)coherent thoughts about your piece.
-MaddyMae
Hey MaddyMae!! Thanks for reviewing another of my works,
Thanks again.
If you read my reply to Valo you might understand. I'll try to write something woth a bit more action next time.
Hi Silverlock.
Descriptions are wonderful! But too much of that and little action can get boring. When I was done reading, I concluded that you barely said anything at all. You need to work on the beginning, focusing on making it more catchy. Your first lines must show us who is it that we're reading about in an indirect way (show vs. tell). So, my suggestion is for you to make your character do something right from the beginning. Work on your character development, too. Then decorate with descriptions, which you do very well.
-Valo
Hey Valo! Thanks for you review.
Thanks again
I understand what you're saying and my piece probably did get boring. But the point of this was to capture a feeling that you personally might remember. This wasn't designed as a normal story with a main character who does things, the main character was just meant to be a medium between you and that feeling. I probably didn't do it well though which is why you didn't understand.
You ask people to tear this up, but the truth is that there is really nothing to tear.
The piece is wonderfully written with good spelling and grammar, and it has such an open plot that can be interpreted differently by the reader. That kind of writing is not something that you see a lot in short stories, and I have to say that it's kind of refreshing.
The way I interpret this is that the narrative speaks of a child playing in a clearing. I'm thinking that she snuck out to have fun while the sun was shining, but once the day ended she knew she had to go home to face the music.
But that's just me. Like I said, open ended interpretation.
I have to admit though, this really doesn't feel like a short story to me. If you changed the formatting, it would look more like a poem, which is what it reads as. (But this is just my opinion.) I would like to see what this would look like if it were in a more lyric style format. I personally believe that it would make the work better.
But you are the author here, so it's up to you where you want this to go.
You wrote a beautiful piece of prose here, and I can't wait to read more of your work.
KT
Hey KT!! Thanks a lot for reviewing my piece!
I was wondering whether I should have put lyrical as a subgenre but I wasn't sure. I've never written a poem and I don't know how. Hopefully I'll try one soon though. Thanks for you encouragement.
Hi! Lucrezia here to review. This was great! Very descriptive and well-written. The one teeny-tiny, so-small-I-shouldn't-even-mention-it typo that I found was when you wrote, "Those clouds seem like delicate strands of fairy loss drifting across the sky." I'll assume you meant to write fairy floss but accidentally left out the "F" in floss… again, not a big deal. Other than that, it seemed pretty flawless. Nice work!
Hey! Thanks for your review!!
Thanks again. 
Haha yes that was meat to be floss.
Hi, Silverlock!
I really like what you've written here. You're really descriptive and I love that. To me, it seems like you've personified how a great day can go bad in the blink of an eye, and that's something a lot of people can relate to. I don't have any major complaints other than your sentence structure is a bit monotonous, moving between simple and complex most of the time. Also you might want to go back and check your comma usage. I know it's difficult to use them properly; I, myself am an overactive comma user. Besides those few things I really like the story you've put together and I hope to read more of your stuff soon
Hey!! Thanks for reviewing!
Comma's are the bane of my life, I'll try to fix them