Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I just started wandering the place and wasnt sure what will i stumble upon, but this, my friend, is stunning.

You made Fear come to life to me, i think i had to watch over my shoulders a few times while reading it, expecting to see someone whispering to my ear.

Those short sencences after Fear being all chatty and talkative is what makes this story suit the genre you wanted, horror, and it really makes the story scary.

I was quite suprised at the end, i have expected something that would probably be a little bit more cliche-a Death talking to the person, so even in such a short story you have made an interesting twist, at least for me.

I will totally keep on following your work.

-Alchemist

Hi there! I'll be honest here... at first, I was a bit skeptical of the second person viewpoint (it's not the most common viewpoint out there) but as your piece of art went on, I decided that it was an absolutely smart choice to make. I like the concept of Fear talking to me. I love the irony that was thrown in there 'Come now into my embrace because I will keep you safe'. Fear might keep you 'safe' but it holds you back. ;P Either way, this was written brilliantly!

If maybe you feel up to it, I wrote a short story called Mind Games where it's also where the Emotions are talking to the main character. I don't know if it interests you, but I'd love it if maybe you checked it out and left some feedback?

Again, bravo!

-MaddyMae

Pan is here for a quick review, and, let me tell you, she is very impressed.

This is a fantastic idea. It's brilliantly original, and I love the way that when you read it a second time it suddenly makes complete sense. The way Fear talks to the reader personally (using second person was an excellent choice, by the way) is very chilling, and I adore how you transformed him/her into a creature that almost thinks of itself as a guardian. It's very mocking and possessive, kind of like the friend that loves you but also shows affection by way of teasing and manipulation, and exactly like you'd expect Fear to be if it was a person. From the style of speech alone I was able to conjure up an appearance for it.

Moreover, I liked the way that you chipped in the little bits of denial from the person it was talking to, because I think we've all tried to suppress our fear in the past and pretend it doesn't exist only to have it scratch away at us insistently. The whole piece was an excellent metaphor for how we battle with the relentlessness of anxiety, and you conveyed it with ease.

If I could suggest one improvement, it would be in the writing. I love the simplicity of it - don't change that - but sometimes your syntax is occasionally a little bit...I don't know...limp? The rhythm of the words doesn't always feel right, either. I don't mean that harshly at all, I just think that those two aspects are the only things stopping this from reading like a professional piece of writing. The idea and characterisation are already there.

Bare in mind that I am being incredibly picky because this is very good. Here are my little problems:

How could you forget me when I am the only one who can truly claim I've known you all your life?

In fact I've been with you before you were even born.

When you were completely alone and even hope abandoned you I remained.

You did a really good job with this story. I'm surprised that it wa the first thing that you have written. I like how you make the main character talk to the reader, it creates a sort of personal feeling.

I did think it was kind of creepy, mostly because I didn't know who the main character was until close to the end. This made me keep reading, the curiosity of who has been stalking me all of my life.

It was really good and, for your first, it was well written. Welcome to YWS.

Wow, this is great, truly describes fear. I think it is great how you have described fear as a friend and an enemy and how it is in all parts of your life and the part about been next to your mother shows how fear is also around other people's life's.

"Really? How could you forget me when I am the only one who can truly claim I've known you all your life? No, don't shake your head. I was with you just yesterday, the day before that and the day before that. I was with you when you were a child, and you believed there was a monster in your closet. I held your hand when you were a toddler, crying because you thought you were lost. I was there when you were a baby, screaming for your mother. In fact I've been with you before you were even born. "

That there was great because it was setting questions off in me head about who this was. It really keeps the reader in suspense. Really well written Well done

Wow this is really striking. I had to finish the whole piece because I didn't catch on to exactly who the narrator is until the end. The was you personified Fear is really interesting and surprisingly true. There weren't any grammatical errors that I could find, except the line:
'You still don't remember me.' Personally I would make that period a question mark but that's up to the discretion of the writer. Other than that, this was a great piece. You did excellently for your first shot at a short story. Good job!