Breathing

Also, I think the beginning would sound better if you wrote something along the lines of,

"Once I made it to my room, I started breathing again"

Or,


"Once I was in my room, I started breathing."

Hi there! Ariana here to review. To start off, this is a good piece. It has some nice metaphors and you conveyed your emotions strongly here. The only problem was that there were a few grammatical errors. For example, you talked about the tears that you won't let come. It should have been "the tears that I wouldn't let come". Also the bit about the pit in your soul isn't nrcessary in conjuction with the previous line. In addition, you said,

"I didn't need their pity. They're sympathy" This is the incorrect "they're". That would be like saying, "I didn't need they are sympathy".

I believe you mixed up the order of another line.

"You guys have to stop GOT arguing".I knew what you meant but it was still not ordered properly, hence it made no sense.

You also used the wrong hoarse. You would say your voice got "hoarse", not "horse" as in the animal.

Overall, I think you should re-read this. It's not the content, but the grammar, spelling and order of words. Once you clean that up you will be good to go. Again this is by no means not good, but the errors took away from it.

Hiya wd! Here to review this piece of yours!

Okay, I thought this was a really strong piece with just so so much emotion that really connected with the reader. The topic you were talking about is something that relates to quite a lot of people actually, and you've shown it really well. I don't want this review to end up as a load of mindless praise, but I seriously enjoyed this piece.

Something I will mention I guess is that when I saw the title and description of this, I thought it was going to be something to do with breathing and hyperventilating, but then more was added to it. I thought the speech was the thing that really showed what the piece was about, but I also thought that it came a bit too late in the piece. So everything was written okay, but I just wasn't entirely sure what was going on- it took two reads to fully understand it.

Another minor thing to mention for when you're editing is your sentence structures really. I thought that especially in the first paragraph, there were different cases where the sentences could have been joined up. For example here-

I wanted to hide in my heart, no, deeper than that. In the pit of my soul.

I inhaled all that I could while my throat started choking up from the tears that I won't wouldn't let come.

Hey, Dream! I saw this a while ago, but I thought I'd drop by to give you a review.

I can really relate to this. My parents fight all the time, and it's even got as far to them talking about a divorce. (But it didn't happen, thank god!) And this typically revolved around senseless arguments. They'd bicker, they'd fight, they'd furiously yell at each other—and here I am, listening, just listening, not doing anything but listen as I am completely powerless. So I know exactly how the narrator is feeling.

And you are very right; each word tears the listener apart, piece by piece, shred by shred. I liked how we could infer that the narrator held on to that little speck of hope, like in the end it was okay, it was fine, it was nothing to worry about as the narrator would immerse him/herself in self-denial—but then it evolved into something else. It was doubt, it was anger, sadness, every little feeling that piled on and on and on. Eventually the narrator couldn't take it, and boom, the narrator exploded.

This is not okay, and the narrator can not take it anymore! The feelings escaped, the jar of feelings opened and spilled, and suddenly everything came out at once.

...That's the message you're getting at, right? You displayed it quite nicely.

I liked how you brought out the breathing aspect it in. It's like saying life goes on, and you can't just lose yourself in your feelings and stop breathing; you have to keep going.

Maybe I'm just thinking too deep in this. xD But nevertheless, good job!

Keep writing!

~Carina

Hey there

I could really relate to the character in your short story. Like many people, I have been in a similar situation and the way you described her emotions is spot on! I felt the exact same way.

There were a few grammar and punctuation problems that you need to be careful of. You should always re-read your work or get another person be that family or friend to read it for you. They may spot something that you didn't.

I will give you some examples "I inhaled all of the frustrations " just sounded a bit off to me. I think it should be "I inhaled all of the frustration"
"I covered them with my breath, I covered it breathing in." I felt that in stead of the comma after breath a full stop should be used. I think it would make it more dramatic.

But overall I thought it was well written and it show that you put a lot of thought in to your writing!!

Happy Writing!! Bye!

This piece was unremarkably astounding. I loved how it captured the girls' feelings so well--like you were right there, right beside her, listening to her get upset. You understood the girl so well in your writing. It was like you understood her--like you knew how she was feeling inside AND out. It was very dramatic and emotional, which appeals to some readers. Like many previous reviews have said, it's very slow paced, and you need to work on your punctuation. And like BlackNether12 said, I don't really understand the theme. It was under the category Realistic but could also be classified as another theme. If I had to rate it, I'd give it a 4/5.


--BlueSquare--

Hey Dream! Black here for a real quick comment/ review.

First off: I have to admit, this piece definitely was an emotional/ dramatic piece. Very nice job there. It is VERY slowly paced, your punctuation has a lot of problems, your wording is beautifully emotional, you theme has a couple of problems, and your presentation is unique and very well done.

So, yeah, I loved it. A LOT! This is going to be a condensed review (I'm working on dumbing my reviews down a bit -they're getting too big), so don't mind if it's short. I hope I get my points across.

Okay. Your theme: With a piece like this I can't see it NOT having a theme. But that's the thing. It doesn't. Not one I can see anyway. Sure, it was well written. Sure, it's got a cool style. YES: It makes me feel like it has a theme . . . but I just can't see it. If you don't have a theme then that's great, just ignore this. But if you do, then understand that you dug too deep and it's gone now.

For your punctuation problem: You misuse your base punctuation a LOT! What I'll do here is give you a couple of examples of your problem and then point you out to an article which should help you out with it (PM me if this dumbing down of a review was successful).

I inhaled all that I could while my throat started choking up from the tears that I won't let come. I inhaled all of the frustrations I wanted to keep within me. I wanted to hide in my heart, no, deeper than that. In the pit of my soul. Secrets that describe my fears and my anger, my struggle to be heard and to hear. I covered them with my breath, I covered it breathing in.

Who would I ever be? It seemed that I was holding too much, one person was not meant to be burdened with all this strain. All of their problems topping mine, all my problems topping theirs. I wanted to release. I exhaled, I opened my heart, I allowed the tears to fall. They came sliding down my face, too fast to wipe away. I sobbed.

This is very sad. I've been in this poor girl's shoes, and let me say you do an excellent job of conveying the frustration and sadness that comes from parents constantly fighting.

There are some grammatical nitpicks like using the wrong "there" at some points, but other than that, its great.

Please keep writing! This was very well done.